A negative comment about a party at Arisia

[xiphias]

Far as I'm concerned, you can EITHER have an invite-only party OR you can advertise your party.

But it's FUCKING RUDE to advertise your invite-only party.

Don't mind invite-only parties. Don't even mind invite-only parties who, apparently, were going around handing out invites only to women who were dressed slutty. Heck, if someone took that to the extreme, and walked around the con handing out slips of paper which said, "You're sexy. Come to my room at 11 pm," that wouldn't bother me. And if he or she got people to show up, more power to him or her.

DO mind people who do that and also put posters up in the stairwells advertising their party. It's fucking RUDE to do that, then set up a velvet rope outside, and do the "club" thing. Dunno about you, but I go to cons to get away from that kind of dynamic.

Yes, I'm pissed off at not being pretty enough to get into that party.

Comments

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

HA. Last year, I got no less than three invites to the church of skank party. THREE. Keep in mind, I was wearing leather corset, a button down top and a skirt... and not much else!

I do agree with you though. Next time (aka next year) find me and I'll take you as my date. :)

[voltbang.livejournal.com]

I missed the fliers. I followed the bright lights and the booming music.

[querldox.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I was considering making it out to Arisia this year and doing a party to celebrate 25 years since my first con (which was Boskone, but I figure Arisia + Boskone these days = approximately an early 80s Boskone). Had I done so, particularly if it'd been Friday night, I would've strongly considered advertising it as a private party for people who know me, with the advertising to make sure such knew about it in case I'd not run into such a person.

But I think that's a bit different than a mundane "club"/"Hot or Not" bit.

[ckd]

I am rather tempted to have an "@! - 20" party at Boskone 44, which would use the old @! party admission criteria...but you would have to have met them for Boskone 24.

[brooksmoses]

They had an actual velvet rope?

I'm sorry, but ... bwah-hah-ha-hah-BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's just so special, right there.

[ron_newman]

whose party was this?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

"Skanks in Space".

Okay, with that name, I feel embarrassed about being upset to not get in.

Apparently, I'm shallow and insecure. But, y'know, whatever.

[agharta75.livejournal.com]

I guess only the "losers" went to the open parties.

[gilana]

I can certainly understand why you'd be upset by that, but from what I could tell, it's more of a dress code than a hotness check or invite thing. One of the guys I was with was wearing a sweater and pants. He would have been permitted in on his own had he been willing to take of his shirt, but since he wasn't, he had to be escorted by someone dressed more skankily. I bet if you threw on a leather vest or something they would be delighted to have you.

[ailbhe]

Yeuch. Sounds like the kind of thing I'm glad I wasn't around for, because I'd be right over in the "sulking and feeling hurt" corner with you.

I can think of worse people to sulk with, mind you. It might have been fun.

[redbird]

Ditto (re going to cons in part to get away from that sort of crap).

For that matter, I suspect I'd mind less if someone advertised a party with posters saying something like "you must be wearing a short skirt or kilt" and applied it to everyone, regardless of gender. I still wouldn't get in (I don't own any short skirts, and probably wouldn't take a pair of shorts to Arisia, given the time of year), but it wouldn't feel quite as much like yet another example of het guys making rules to give them lots of conventionally pretty female skin to look at, while not providing eye candy for people who'd rather look at men, or making the men meet any requirements.

Hmmm. "Short skirts or evidence of having showered within the last hour", anyone? (I have a hunch that the guys who organized that party would have trouble getting into a similar party in the outside world.)

[temima.livejournal.com]

*laugh* I only arrived just when they were going to sleep, so I didn't get any crap. I was confused when I didn't see a room number--I mean, they are advertising, right?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I don't bring clothing like that to cons.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Also, I don't own clothing like that.

Hell, I didn't own clothing like that when I was active in the scene. If people want to play with me, they're going to play with me, not my clothes.

[gilana]

OK, but my point was, you seemed upset at not being let in because you weren't pretty enough, and I'm pretty sure that was not in fact the reason. They're trying for a certain feel and aesthetic to their parties, and guests have to be willing to do something to contribute to that. It would probably be better if they were clearer about exactly what the entry requirements were, but I think not having official rules also lets them use their discretion to keep out some of those people who would make the women in skimpy outfits very uncomfortable.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Hey, look, they dissed me too, presumably because I was dressed slinky and shiny instead of skanky. I can't feel too disappointed, overall. Even though at the last Skank party I had a pretty pleasant time.

[cheshyre]

IMO, if they wanted such an exclusive-ish party, then they shouldn't've been advertising it so openly.

I'm used to private parties at con being relatively discreet to avoid hurt feelings by those not invited.

This crowd plastered posters all over the con, with the restrictions in small type near the bottom. I certainly never noticed them until after we were turned away and I read one of the posters closely.

I don't have my Clear Ether with me to see whether they were included in the party list, but with such restrictions, they shouldn't've been.

[bikergeek.livejournal.com]

Indeed. "S&M" does not mean "Stand & Model".

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

How many years have they been doing these parties?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

No, I'm upset that they advertised a party with those rules.

[liscarey.livejournal.com]

They shouldn't have been widely advertising a restricted-admission party--and they especially shouldn't have been doing it while intentionally making the invitation-only and other "qualifications" for admission easier to overlook than to notice.

Using a velvet rope to control access to something they've promoted as if it were a standard atcon open party looks like a deliberate effort to set people up to feel excluded. There are other closed parties at conventions, but generally they try to be discreet and NOT set people up to feel excluded.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I think it's perfectly legitimate to have a specialized costume party at a con, and to restrict it to people in costume. If there was a party for people in Regency dress, I couldn't go because I don't have an appropriate outfit (and would not have brought it to the con even if I owned it), but I wouldn't have a problem with someone standing at the door telling people, "This is a Regency party, you're not dressed for it, you can't come in." That's very different from "You're not pretty enough to party with us."

[cheshyre]

But notice that (a) the Regency dances are generally costume-recommended not costume-required, and (b) they advertise it promiently enough so everybody knows ahead of time.

I mean, yeah, if we had been really desperate at all interested, we could've gone home and found some fetishwear. But we live locally. Out-of-towners who didn't have the foresight to pack appropriate clothing would be completely out-of-the-loop.

Had it been a truly private party among that circle of friends, they could've done whatever the hell they wanted and informed each other before the con.
For the kind of Regency party you describe, I could see going one step further and mentioning it at the Regency dance to anyone who shows up in costume.
But you wouldn't be advertising something like that in big posters all over the con, because most people wouldn't be able to attend...

[gilana]

But it didn't really require specific clothing. They were encouraging some guys to take off their shirts to get it. If there was a group of people looking to enter, people who were judged skanky could escort a non-skanky guest on a leash. Mostly you just had to make an effort to fit in with the general theme of the party. They work hard to create a certain atmosphere, and I don't think it's unreasonable to only let in people who are going to contribute to that. And it's not a party for a specific group of friends; they like getting in new people who would not have known about the party otherwise.

Look, I don't actually know the people involved, so I can only speak to what I experienced, but that seems to be true of everyone talking here. I just think that none of us seems to actually know their specific rules and intents, and I think it is possible that they are less exclusionary that some people are saying.

I've gotten into the party for the past two years, so I am biased on that front. But there have definitely been plenty of people in the party who were not at all what I would consider pretty, they were just willing to look skanky. And I've also been able to dress provocatively and feel safe, *not* have smelly sleazy guys drooling down my cleavage, and I think that may be in part from their door policy, which I really appreciate.

I know it's a sensitive issue in fandom -- most of us have been judged and excluded too much in our lives, so we try to make an extra effort not to make others feel like that. But honestly, I feel like sometimes that goes too far, and the 11th Commandment is not necessarily "Thou Shalt Invite Everybody".

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

I remember at least one previous. That's all I can really assert. :-)

Also, I forgot to add two more thoughts earlier:

(1) I noticed their flyers in the stairwell only *after* I got turned away from their door. (And I only tried their door by accident, looking for a completely different party. Surprised me, velvet rope notwithstanding.) I didn't get as far as thinking "gee, how contradictory," but now I'm with you: it does seem kinda dumb to post flyers without any room number or other actual party information.

OTOH, that very crypticness changes the dynamic. They weren't ads, they were teasers, like PR -- a side order of context for the people who *got* invitations. But it's different from flyering "Come to our party, X time, Y room" and THEN turning away people who don't fit their criteria. (You can still opine that it's rude, I'm just pointing out that it's different.) But it would have been best to add "Invitation Only" to the teaser flyers, IMHO.

(2) For the record, I see gilana's point about the hosts using a (highly subjective) door policy to control for "problem children", in addition to atmosphere. And even if it is rude, I support their right to do it.