Baruch dayan emet

[xiphias]

My upstairs neighbor died.

My thoughts and prayers are with her daughter marquisedea, who doesn't deserve this.

Anna has had cancer for years now, and her death wasn't unexpected. But marquisedea is only nineteen, maybe twenty if I've missed her birthday. And she's had quite a bit more than her share of shit in the last couple years.

I have faith that Anna's okay. She has nothing further to worry about. But Sami's the one I worry about, because she has to live with it.

For Christians on my friends list: what do Christians do instead of sitting shiva? What is there I can do for Sami?

And, Sami, what is there Lis and I can do for you?

Comments

[rmjwell.livejournal.com]

Depending upon the family's preferences a wake could be held in conjunction with whatever funerary services they choose.

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

Growing up in a church, I remember bringing food to lots of folks who were grieving. Preferably food that could be frozen and/or reheated later. *hugs*

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

Casseroles and simple one-pot meals are always good.

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

Today you hold her hand, you help her by letting her talk about how she feels. You give her the help she will need organizing a wake and funeral.

While Christians do not sit shiva, we hold a wake, where the casket is open, and people gather, pray at the casket for the dead. Then visit with the family.

If a mass is involved it will happen after the wake but before the interment.

Once the body is intered, people gather again, to eat, to share stores to remember the passing.

[kightp.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for all Christians, but in the culture where I grew up, people brought food.

And I can attest to the fact that when you're newly grieving, having some good, home-made heat-and-serve meals in the refrigerator can be an amazingly comforting thing.

[jhitchin.livejournal.com]

We are having Mass and a memorial service for Kate. After that is a wake at the house of one of Kate and Charlene's friends. Most of us are helping pay for food and other items for Charlene to get her through the next few weeks.

I hope this helps. Poor Sami. She has my most heartfelt condolances.

[solipsistnation.livejournal.com]

Yep, take 'em food so they don't have to worry about cooking... Like others said, that's the best thing.

[bikergeek.livejournal.com]

My sympathies to your neighbors. Most other folks here have hit it right on the head: food. Also, taking care of other random life chores that tend to be forgotten about when someone dies.

[yehoshua.livejournal.com]

Speaking only of my family's customs:

• The first day or two is usually a blur. Food is appreciated because it's easy to forget to eat with all the rushing to and fro, but generally the family wants to be left alone to work through the initial grieving.
  
• There is usually a visitation the night before the interment of the body. Not everyone has a custom of having an open-casket viewing of the body, but it lets people comfort the family outside the purely formal context of the funeral ceremony.
  
• Usually the interment happens about day four or five in my family.
  
  • It shouldn't need saying, but a plain necktie is correct attire. My cousin Brent showed up to our step-grandfather (Ross Archibald Scott, for whom I'm named) wearing a tie with a hula dancer on it. She even had a grass skirt that would wiggle as he moved. I'm surprised there wasn't a second funeral after his mother saw it.
    
  • If they "pass the shovel" (which I haven't seen at many Christian funerals recently) the same basic rules apply as at Jewish funeral: One shovelful to a person, and don't hand the shovel to the person behind you, lest they be seen as too eager to inter the deceased. Stick it back in the ground where you found it and let the next person figure it out on hir own.
  
  
• There may or may not be a wake after. More food, more reminiscing, often lots of whisky, and for some disturbing reason there always seems to be a vat of creamed corn. This is often the awkward part (the wake, not the corn) because the bereaved may simultaneously want to kick everyone out as well as not to be alone. Offering to host this is sometimes helpful, since marquisedea can just duck out when she's had enough/too much, and you can deal with the crazy 3rd cousin who had too many drinks and is talking about his idea to start an emu ranch in Assembly Square.
  

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

My sympathies to you and your neighbors.

[zarhooie.livejournal.com]

I definately would go with food. Something easy that you can just toss in the microwave/on the stove that requires little-to-no thought to prepare. My family is a big fan of the tatertot hot dish (two lbs of ground beef along the bottom of a 9x12, spread one can cream of mushroom soup, undilluted, on top, place a bag of onion/garlic tatertots in a geometrical pattern, pour one cup milk over and bake at 350 for about 45 minutes to an hour. It freezes well if you don't add the milk right away, and it can be saved for several days if you put it in the fridge, covered, minus milk.)

[gingicat]

My sympathies to Sami. And you've gotten lots of good advice already.

[querldox.livejournal.com]

Food, but not Jell-o salads (all too commonly brought in the South). Depending on the person and your closeness to them, stopping by and talking or being there is considered good, but be on awareness as to whether that's working for the particular person.

If the 19 / 20 year old has no other family or people they're close to, it might be worth offering to sit in on any consultations with funeral directors to prevent them from pressure sales tactics ("Your mother, of course, would *want* to have our top of the line coffin...it's only N hundred/thousand more...").

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Her being alone and without family support isn't an issue. As a matter of fact, one of the most valuable things I can offer her is the fact that there's nobody in the downstairs dining room right now, so if she wants to run away from her family, it's there.

Her father, uncle, aunt, other aunt, other aunt, uncle's girlfriend, grandmother, and three or four other people are there right now. And it's a five-room apartment.

Also, her mother's already made the plans for the funeral and burial.

[aranel.livejournal.com]

Some people send or bring flowers. Some families prefer donations to flowers.

There is often a groudswell of help and support right after a death that tapers off just when the numbing effect of shock starts to give way--when the bereaved stop saying, "It hasn't hit me yet." Support in the coming weeks/months is equally crucial, if not more so. If you are close to the bereaved, you might help them sort and reply to correspondents, or be there for them as they go through the possessions of the deceased, or call various companies who need to be notified (anyone who sends the deceased mail, pretty much).

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

Definitely food. If it can be set up as heat and serve meals (of comfort food like turkey dinner with sides), in 'Boston Market' plates, comes in very handy. A lot of times, people will not want to eat at regular times but will suddenly be hungry in the middle of the night.

A good chicken soup with home made noodles can also be very soothing.

I think offering her a space apart is very cool.

[felis-sidus.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for Sammi's (and your) loss.

As for specifically religion-related practices, it depends on the particular version of Christianity involved. I'll speak to Roman Catholic customs.

Most of the time there is both a wake and a funeral, on different days. Rarely, there is no wake. It depends on the wishes of the deceased and the feelings of the family. If there is a wake, it usually is held the day before the funeral. Another term for "wake" is "visiting hours". Services on the day of the funeral may include both a funeral Mass and a service at the graveside or only one of these. Usually, the family invites people back to their home afterward for light refreshments and a chance to share memories. It isn't necessary for people to attend both the wake and the funeral, although they're usually welcome to do so. If you attend only one of the services, I'd make it the wake for the simple reason that you're more likely to be able to speak with the family at the wake than at the funeral.

The wake commonly is held in a funeral home. Visitors enter, sign a guest book, pay respects to the deceased, then to the family, then either mingle or take a seat, depending on what's happening at the time. You may see people leaving envelopes on a table or tray near either the guest book or the casket. These are "Mass cards". They look similar to greeting cards, but signify that the giver has arranged to have the deceased remembered in one of several kinds of prayer by one or another religious community. They are not by any means obligatory. When paying respect to the deceased, most Catholics will kneel at the casket and say a brief prayer. It's equally acceptable simply to stand silently at the casket for a moment or to go directly to the family if you're more comfortable doing that.

At some point during the wake there will be time set aside for prayer, usually led by a priest, but sometimes by a lay person. The prayer may be a recitation of the rosary or a scripture reading followed by a reflection on the scripture by the prayer leader. If you're there during prayer it's fine to remain seated and silent.

You are not expected to remain at the wake for any specific period of time. What matters most is that you came at all.

If you attend the funeral Mass, you may join in the prayers or remain silent. Often, there will be a leaflet with the prayers and/or scripture readings. If not, most churches have booklets in the pews with the Mass prayers, but the order of the prayers may not be obvious. They tend to assume familiarity with the liturgy. The congregation will stand, sit, or kneel at various times. There's no problem if you choose to sit rather than to kneel during those times. At one point, many members of the congregation will begin to go forward to receive Communion. In the Roman Catholic liturgy, Communion is reserved to Roman Catholics and members of churches that are in full communion with the Roman Catholic Church. If anyone isn't sure whether or not you're in one of these groups, it's best to assume you aren't. Just remain in your seat, as you'll see many others doing. No one will even notice, because at any Mass there are always some members of the congregation who choose not to receive Communion for various reasons. At the end of the service, those leading the service and the family will process out of the church, followed by everyone else. Ideally, people will leave in order from the front of the church toward the back, however that ideal seldom is achieved in practice.

That's pretty much it for Roman Catholic funeral practices. To offer my two cents' worth on food, let me say that "comfort food" tends to go down more easily than other kinds of food when there's a lump in the throat. By this I mean foods such as macaroni and cheese, other soft casseroles, custards, soft cookies, and the like. Easy fruits such as Clementines, grapes, or cherries are good choices if you want to go for something more healthful. One of your home-made breads would be great.

[felis-sidus.livejournal.com]

Oops. Just realized I have one too many "m"s in Sami's name. Sorry!

[rebmommy.livejournal.com]

So sorry for Sami's loss. I'm glad she knows she can hang out with you when she needs to get away from relatives and plans. She is getting lots of support right now. She'll need your support more in the coming weeks and months when everyone else has gone home. An invitation for a home-cooked meal and some company will be most welcome, I'm sure. I have the custom of keeping track of funeral dates and to make a "check-in" call at the end of shloshim. This is an important marker in the grieving process that is often overlooked. People always appreciate this call because they often still want to talk about their memories, but most everyone else has moved on in their own lives. Also, our society doesn't allow enough grieving time with our "get on with it and get back to work" attitude. Having someone remember that they are still grieving and call to ask how they are is very welcome. Stanetsky's Funeral Home has their rabbinic intern make follow-up calls to check in with anyone whose relative was buried through their funeral home. I think this is a wonderful idea. People really appreciate this call and really share their feelings, even more than at the shiva when people are often still in shock.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

All my best.