So, how do I feel about travel now that I've done it?

[xiphias]

As many of you probably know, I was dreading the trip to Europe, because I don't like travel. But then I went to London and Italy, and there was lots of neat stuff, and I had fun, and saw cool things. I've now been home for about a week and a half (and I still haven't blogged about Trieste, yet), so, what's the verdict? I had fun, so, would I do it again? Was the good parts of travel worth the hassle and inconvenience? If I could somehow go back in time and make it so I didn't have to go on the trip, would I go on the trip, anyway?

Hell, no.

Yes, much of the trip was good. I enjoyed much of it, and I tried to blog all the good parts so I'd remember them. Because, if I was on the trip, I could either make the best of it, and do my best to have a good time, and do my best to have as much good out of it as I could, or I could focus on the bad parts and make it worse.

But, even though I enjoyed a lot of it -- I still wish I hadn't gone.

It's ten days since we've been back, and I'm still not able to stand unaided for long periods of time, or to walk much, or to be able to do anything. I can read LJ, and I can blog, and that's about it. I can't cook, I can't clean, I can't do laundry. I can barely shower and dress myself.

And it's not depression, for once. It's just the pain, weakness, and dizziness. Emotionally, I feel fine, except for being grumpy because I hurt so bad.

And, as far as I can tell, this is a direct result of the travel.

That's not to mention the pain, discomfort, dizziness, and general horribleness of travel itself. I spent most of the trip in pain, too -- all this that I'm going through now is the accumulated debt of muscling through the pain and weakness during the trip. Heck, I figured on this -- as I went through the trip and went on doing things because I'd not have another chance to do them, and besides, I didn't want to hold other people back, and besides-besides, I really actually would enjoy those things, I knew that I'd be spending at least a day and a bit bedridden for every day I pushed through on willpower on the trip. So I'm, right now, paying the price I willingly accepted.

With all that, the memories of what I did are basically gone. I've got what I blogged, and that's about it. I've got some hazy, foggy memories of other things, but nothing clear. If I blogged things, I've got somewhat less hazy memories of those specific parts, but still, at this point, if you've read my LJ, you have the same experience of my trip that I do.

That's not quite true -- there are some emotional place-memories which just didn't translate to words -- eating lunch in a Tuscan village and walking through an ancient deserted ruined Roman city are things which were different to do than to read about. But most of the rest of it? Yeah, you've got what I have.

So, as far as I'm concerned, there was no reason for me to do it.

Would I go on this trip again, voluntarily?

No, I certainly wouldn't. I don't want to travel. If anything, I hate and dread travel even MORE than I did before this trip.

Am I going to travel again?

I assume so. There will be family pressures and responsibilities, and I'll travel for those reasons. Just as I did for this one. And, when I do travel again, I will do my best to have fun, and find the things which are enjoyable, and to focus on those, and to attempt to impress the pleasant memories into my memory strongly, and attempt to let the unpleasant parts fade away, leaving only the lightest of imprints on my mind.

But it's still going to suck.

This trip sucked as little as Lis and I and everyone else in my family could make it. And I appreciate that.

But I still hate travel, and I still wish I hadn't had to do it, and I'm still resentful and angry at my family for putting me in a situation where I had to suffer through it.

I'm just trying to focus on that as little as I possibly can, to let that whole part roll away from me, leaving as little imprint as it can. While holding on to the good parts.

I'm doing a pretty good job of it, I think.

But I still hate and resent travel.

Comments

[ailbhe]

Oh, poor you! I wish you steady recovery, and minimal future travel.

[bikergeek.livejournal.com]

I hope you feel better soon. Good on you for trying something new and giving it your best effort.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry travel is such a horrid thing for you.

I'm glad you managed to have some fun while you were doing it.

GRRRRR

[fibro-witch.livejournal.com]

Part of me wants to hit you. Really really hit you.

I would trade with you in a minute, and you know it. You are once again focusing on the bad parts, and ignoring the good. You give the bad stuff ten points and the good stuff none.

So talk to your family, what are their memories of the trip? Write them all down in a memory book. Yours and theirs.

See it is like my trip to London, I do not remember every step, and I have to think hard sometimes or read my blog to remember where or when some of the pictures were taken. But ghods man, I WENT to London, and I would do it again in a minute if I could

'I went' just keep saying that 'I went'

Re: GRRRRR

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Jan -- I can't walk down the stairs.

I am doing everything in my power to focus on the good parts. Do you understand that? This is what it looks like after deliberate and repeated conscious EFFORT to focus on the good parts.

I don't like travel. I did everything in my power to like it. I did everything I could to enjoy it, and managed to enjoy things about it. Do you think that was easy?

Re: GRRRRR

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I think you ought to talk with a doctor about this. Travel can be tiring for anybody, yes, but that level of extreme fatigue suggests there might be another problem or set of problems.

[felis-sidus.livejournal.com]

This is more than just not liking travel. This kind of reaction to travel either is the result of a physical ailment that is exacerbated by the physical stresses of travel or is an extreme emotional/psychological reaction. Either way, the pain and the disability are all too real, and you deserve a lot of credit for gutting your way through it.

If it's emotional/psychological, there are things you could do to significantly reduce the problem, or possibly eliminate it. If it's physical, maybe not so much. You already did everything I can think of to mitigate the physical impact of the trip. Your doctor might have some ideas on the subject. Since you expect to travel again regardless of your feelings on the matter, isn't it worth it to see if there's something you can do to change your situation for the better?

[goljerp]

I agree with what you said, but I'm also thinking, re-reading what Xiphius said,

[...]as I went through the trip and went on doing things because I'd not have another chance to do them, and besides, I didn't want to hold other people back, and besides-besides, I really actually would enjoy those things, I knew that I'd be spending at least a day and a bit bedridden for every day I pushed through on willpower on the trip.

I wonder if next time you're on a trip like this, where there is a villa/home base, for you to decide beforehand that it's OK to say, "Hey, ya know? Y'all go out to [tuscan village/ cool day trip] today; I'll stay by the pool, surf the net, or [insert fun, but non-stressful thing here], and rest up so that I I can [do fun things X and Y / walk without pain / avoid collapsing] tomorrow.

If you worked this out with Lis and your family beforehand, maybe it wouldn't have as large an impact on you afterwards. And now that you've been to Italy once, the next time you won't have to do everything that you did this time, so that would be less stress.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I wonder if next time you're on a trip like this, where there is a villa/home base, for you to decide beforehand that it's OK to say, "Hey, ya know? Y'all go out to [tuscan village/ cool day trip] today; I'll stay by the pool, surf the net, or [insert fun, but non-stressful thing here], and rest up so that I I can [do fun things X and Y / walk without pain / avoid collapsing] tomorrow.

We did.

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I agree. You should definitely see a doctor and try to figure out what's going on.

[(Anonymous)]

Your company was appreciated. Sorry about those lingering effects. Maybe "next time" a direct flight, then stay in one spot? Would that be better? I am pretty sure there will be another trip in a couple of years (the wedding will take care of next year). Hope you can make that.
Duzzy