Maybe I just shouldn't have a livejournal

[xiphias]

It's 11:37. Everybody else is still at rehearsal. I, and two other people, were sent home at 11.

I feel humiliated.

See, now the prod crew knows that I've got these physical issues, and have instructed me to let them know when I'm tired. So I did. And they sent me home.

Fuck.

The first thing I felt was intense guilt for letting everyone down. I didn't actually throw up, but that may have something to do with my not being able to eat anything all day. But I did feel nauseous about it.

Then I began to feel ashamed of my weakness in HAVING to be sent home. And then I began to feel humilated because I WAS sent home. And now I'm angry for being humiliated.

Guilt, shame, and humiliation are all different, and I feel all of them right now. As well as fury about the insult that sending me home ALSO is.

And this all happened because I posted about it to my LJ. Had I not done so, they wouldn't have known and this all wouldn't have happened.

But I can't NOT post about this sort of thing to my LJ. It's like -- I feel like I've got an obligation to be honest and accurate about who I am when I'm writing here -- more honest and accurate than I actually am in person. These aren't emotions I express to anyone else.

And I don't entirely like the person that I am discovering that I actually am.

This whole thing was a case of me putting my needs above the needs of the group, and I don't do that. I just don't. Frankly, I prefer not to let people know that I have needs. I do things because it helps people out -- I teach Hebrew school because they needed a teacher, I tend bar because they needed a bartender, I auditioned for Iolanthe because they needed a baritone. I don't do things for me. I don't want to do things for me. It's not what I do, what I am, or what I want, or want to be.

And yet, in this LJ, I write about who I am, what I think, and what I feel, in a way that I don't, really, in meatlife, at least not very much.

And it's getting awkward. Because people I KNOW read this, and can therefore find out things about who I really am and what I feel that I don't necessarily want to express in person.

Like the fact that I get sick easily. Or the fact that anyone ACKNOWLEGING the fact that I get sick easily enrages me because it feels like an insult.

This all puts everyone else around me into awkward positions. And I'm sorry for that.

In better news, I slept until 1 PM today, and woke up feeling lots better than I had been, and the hypoalegenic stage makeup that I wore a splotch of behind my ear all evening didn't seem to kill me or anything.

Comments

[red-frog.livejournal.com]

I suspect that the space to vent helps you, but you might benefit from having a filter that allows only people who don't know you in person to see the post. Sorry this bit you this time. :/ I mean, it's probably just as well, but it sucks of someone took something you said here and applied it without asking, if that's what happened, even if it was kindly meant.

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

This is what I was going to say: filters. I have more than a dozen of them, along the lines of
"Family" (for stuff that would be boring to everyone else or is family-confidential)
"Not-Family" (for when I need to vent about my parents and my childhood without making my sisters defensive of said parents)
"Local" (for the rare occasions when I want to be social "in person")
"Not-Local" (for when I give details about people who might be recognized by locals)

etc etc... you could make one for "Not Being a Superhero" and only add the folks with whom you're comfortable acknowledging the fact that you're not superhuman.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Personally, I appreciate your LJ, because, well, you write about interesting things, many of which apply to me, many of which don't.

I understand the problem of being stuck between two imperatives (writing your truth-- and yet having to live life with people who /read/ your truth.)

Anyway, that said, I'm gonna ask The Obvious Question.

I don't do things for me.

Why not?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Why would I?

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

I asked first.

Er, ahem.

Saying "I don't do things for me" sounds to /me/ like you're saying you're not important and/or relevant.

Are you, in fact, saying that, or do you mean something else?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Um. . . I wouldn't put it that way. I am important and relevant, in that I can help other people and communities.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Do they get to help you sometimes, too?

(I don't, really, know you in person, so if you want to tell me to buzz off, then I will. This may not be the time for this kind of poking at you. If it isn't, I really do apologize.)

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

This is an ongoing issue in my life -- there are several instances of this same thing showing just since I started this LJ. The short answer is, basically, people WANT to, and when I screw up and let it slip that I need help, they're eager to do so.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I'd keep asking the followup kinds of questions, but I have to go to bed.

FWIW, I kind of get where you're coming from. I've just absorbed enough people going "those who are in the helping professions need to take care of themselves!!" that I actually kind of believe it, nowadays. It was a long kind of journey, though. (You're in the helping professions, btw, in my brain, even if you're technically not.)

[hangedwoman.livejournal.com]

cumaeansybil wrote a post a little while back about accepting help. It's here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/cumaeansibyl/103867.html) if you want to read it, but I'll just reprint this particularly relevant paragraph:

"So, duh," says the very small inner person who is on my side, "if it makes you feel good to help people, then it probably makes other people feel good to help people, right? And that's not dependent on whether or not you deserve it, because people will get that boost either way, right? You're hardly imposing on someone when they offer to help, anyway. You might as well accept what they want to give, because they're getting something out of it too."

While it's not 100% the same kind of problem you're having with things, I think it still offers a good perspective

[kightp.livejournal.com]

If you're willing and eager to help others, is there anything wrong with them being willing and eager to help you?

[micheinnz.livejournal.com]

Does "need help" always follow "I screwed up" for you?

It's OK to need help, you know -- everybody needs help sometimes.

[ckd]

(WARNING: rant ahead)

You're not a tool. You're not a thing. You're a person, valuable in and of yourself, not for what you do for other people. You may not feel like you can/should have needs of your own, but you deserve to. You may not feel like you can do things for yourself, treat yourself right, put yourself first...but you deserve to be able to.

You haven't done anything more for me in the past year than to be one of the other players in one game of Ninja Burger. That doesn't stop me from caring about you, as a fellow human, fallible and hurting yet still valuable and worthy as yourself.

"I prefer not to let people know that I have needs." Or, even, you may prefer not to have needs, or to let yourself know that you have needs.

And that, to me, layman that I am, sounds like one part, or one kind, of depression. It may not be a part of my own personal experience, but I still recognize it. I can't cure it, I can't find the words to say that'll give you the insight you need to find your way past it...but it's not what you, in my quite arrogant at the moment opinion, deserve.

That's the best I can come up with right now. I wish I could do better.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

For the record, you were NOT the only one being sent home. At least three others left at 11 as well. Including one of the directors.

*kiss*

[boxofdelights]

What about those other two people?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

They're the two oldest people in the cast, both significantly older than I am.

[boxofdelights]

Hm. That is a sticky situation.

[hangedwoman.livejournal.com]

I know the part about being frustrated by causing problems with one's openness here, but feeling like anything else is being dishonest. I'm trying to accept that sometimes it's OK to dodge the occasional bullet, and not be all of who I am with everyone.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Oh, I believe strongly that honesty is one of the worst things you can have in a relationship.

That's an exaggeration for effect, mind you -- really, what I believe is that whatever you express in a relationship should be something true that you believe, but that it's disastrous to always express EVERYTHING that you feel.

[mattblum.livejournal.com]

Part of being in a relationship--romantic, friendly, working, whatever--is acknowledging that it's a two-way street. You know how you don't like to let other people help you, but you'll go to extremes to help them? I don't know for sure, but I'd be willing to bet that quite a lot of people want to help you, because they're your friends and loved ones and that's just the way things are.

You're not a saint. You're a human being, and you have needs. You don't need to reveal them all to everyone, but, if you do, you should be aware that decent, friendly people won't acknowledge those needs and try to help you out to humiliate you. They'll do so because they care about you.

Besides, you do get something out of the things you do for other people, don't you? You get paid for bartending, and I'm guessing you get a sense of personal satisfaction from teaching Hebrew school and singing in Iolanthe.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I'm aware that people want to help me and like me and stuff. I've had that crammed down my throat quite a number of times.

And of course I get something out of the things I do for other people -- but it has to be stuff I do for other people to get something out of it.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

but it has to be stuff I do for other people to get something out of it.

Why?

[mattblum.livejournal.com]

Do you ever sit down to read a book? Do a crossword puzzle? Watch a favorite TV show? Eat something that tastes really good? Just play?

Those don't help anyone else, but they sure do feel good, don't they?

Doesn't it feel good when someone gives you a back rub? Makes you a cup of tea? Makes you laugh?

You don't exist just to do things for other people. Only robots don't have to care about their own physical and emotional needs. It's only bad to show weakness when your enemies are around; showing weakness around friends should never humiliate you, because friends know that your weaknesses don't define you. Don't think of it as showing weakness, but showing trust. When you let friends help you, you're showing them how much you trust and care for them.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Okay, then, do this for me and the other people who care about you:

Put your needs first. For us. It will make it easier to support you if you also support you. And that decreases the burden on everyone around you, which is what you seem to be saying you want as an end result, nu?

Frame it that way; see if that helps.

[querldox.livejournal.com]

Sigh. Consider that if you fall apart (as it sounds like you're possibly heading towards in a physical sense) you're going to hurt the group more than missing an hour or two of rehersal/set building/whatever...and it sounds like you'd hardly have been at peak level for that hour.

There is no shame in knowing yourself well enough to know that one of your weaknesses is a frequent test to physical destruction mindset...and to realize that you're not always the best person to make the call of when you should stop and request more objective calls on such. Or, to reference the old joke/advice, if the whole room tells you you're drunk, you should fall down. If multiple people who know you are telling you "you need a break", take the break.

[cheshyre]

Ian is expecting to fall apart physically. After the last performance

[mrmorse.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how to take this comment, mostly because I'm not sure of what you mean by "fall apart physically."

Doing shows tends to wear people out, but not all forms of worn out are equally acceptable. It's really difficult to get enough sleep during prod week, and most people need to spend extra time sleeping after the show is over.

It is, unfortunately, not uncommon for people to come down with colds or other illnesses immediately after a show ends. I think it's unfortunate but also somewhat unavoidable.

Some people have significant skin reactions to stage makeup. I can accept that as a sacrifice that some people are willing to make.

Causing lasting debilitating pain is definitely not okay. College level theater is not worth that level of suffering, and if that is what is happening, you are working too hard. I would never knowingly ask someone to do that to themself for the sake of a production, and I don't think anyone else on the prod staff for Iolanthe would either.

I don't actually know what you mean by falling apart physically, but I sincerely hope it's closer to needing extra sleep than to suffering lingering pain. If that's not the case, please take it easy. No one is asking you to hurt yourself for the sake of the production.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

The thing is that MOST things cause lasting lingering pain. I mean, getting on an airplane causes lasting lingering pain.

I'm expecting this to hurt less than, say, going to Florida for vacation will hurt.

[undauntra.livejournal.com]

Then I began to feel ashamed of my weakness in HAVING to be sent home.

Dammn straight you should be ashamed, but you've got the emphasis wrong. Try this one on for size:

Then I began to feel ashamed of my weakness in having to be SENT home.

Because, you know? The shame lies in that you weren't taking care of yourself well enough to go home on your own. Your negligence forced the prodstaff to have to send you home. You have a responsibility to keep yourself in working order, and you're slacking on it, making other people take over what you should do yourself. Straighten up your act.

You want me to put it terms of the needs of the group? Fine. The group needs your body to be reasonably healthy and your mind to be reasonably alert for the show. Your job is to take of this group resource called xiphias's body and mind, and ensure that it is brought to the show on time and in good condition.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Well-put.

Imagining life in terms of resource management is something that is very helpful to me in balancing my long-term and short-term needs. I don't necessarily agree with xiphias' emphasis on the needs of others to the exclusion of any other personal satisfaction, but even in that context it is relevant.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Yeah, this. >:-)

Remember when I said we would kick you out of Sala as we deemed appropriate if you weren't able (or inclined) to protect your own limits? Dude -- this is how that plays out. You were warned.

I grasp that it injures your pride. But frankly we would prefer to injure your pride (which is a bit further out on the hierarchy of needs) in favor of keeping your body in running order, since apparently you don't have the luxury of enjoying both at once. You can accept that it's because we care about you, or you can take the pragmatic resource-management view if that helps you feel less guilty.

Also, what navrins said: The marginal utility of having your body present onstage for the second half of q2q would have been vanishingly small. The marginal utility of sending you home for an extra hour and a half of recharge for future use -- especially knowing that you had to work today -- was way higher.

[red-queen.livejournal.com]

Goes double for me, too. So there.

Seriously -- one of the advantages of being a chorister is that the q2q could continue without you, enabling you to get enough rest and go to work. The show *needs* you, yes, but the q2q doesn't necessarily need you for all of it. If you could sleep in the next day, maybe you could have stuck around longer -- but for this set of circumstances, this is what you need to do to take care of yourself. They don't call it Hell Week for nothin' you know.

Suck it up -- we all need help. Yeah, it's rough on the pride. But it's part of the human condition, and we all have to grapple with it at different times in our lives. You will have to do it all over again at some point, so may as well start working on it now! (Voice of experience, believe me. And because *I'm* not managing my time worth shit, gotta run!)

[mittelbar.livejournal.com]

And I don't entirely like the person that I am discovering that I actually am.

Maybe not, but you're discovering. You know? I don't know you very well, but I think I trust you to keep that up, and keep paying attention to the discoveries, and making good use of them, even though it hurts.

I'm kind of in the same position, for what it's worth.

[brooksmoses]

This whole thing was a case of me putting my needs above the needs of the group....

The group needs you to be healthy, Ian.

Or, more thoroughly: you're part of the group; your health is part of the group's health. Thus, the fact that it's your need doesn't preclude it being the group's need as well.

[porcinea.livejournal.com]

Wow, you've got it worse than I do. Impressive.

Yo, Ian!! Like brooksmoses just said, you're part of the group, too.

Moreover, *it is a kindness to other people* to let them take care of you when you need it. Think of it as your mitzvah for the day.

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

Er. You didn't put your needs above the needs of the group. The group put your physical needs above your emotional needs, for the sake of their long-term wishes. If you must look at it with a ruthless disregard for your own physical comfort, at least try to do so objectively, rather than with a disproportionate love of emotional comfort. Stoicism doesn't mean only ignoring the body: if you want a proof of your strength, use it to face down the irrationality in your heart too.

[kiya]

Er. You didn't put your needs above the needs of the group.

Disagree, somewhat; the process of self-sacrifice is putting the need for both privacy about internal condition and to be a contributor above both the group's need for long-term functionality and other individual members of the group's need to take care of tribe members (for whatever value of tribe is being used).

(I'm aware that wasn't the set of needs to which you were referring, btw.)

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

Try to remember what Rabbi Hillel said:

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am not for others, then what am I? And if not now, when?

There are times when you have to put your own needs first, and there should never be any shame in doing so.

[goljerp]

This is exactly what I was thinking. Xiphias, you're living in the "if I am not for others" part of life. Which is not inherently bad... the problem is, you're ignoring the first part: taking care of yourself. And not taking care of yourself "eventually", doing it now. (Of course, one can't get carried away with just taking care of oneself, but I don't think that's a danger for you right now.)

[estherchaya.livejournal.com]

so, right. Everyone else has been far more eloquent than I in regards to the bulk of your post, but...

Like the fact that I get sick easily. Or the fact that anyone ACKNOWLEGING the fact that I get sick easily enrages me because it feels like an insult.

I get sick easily. Most people know that about me. I have a bazillion health problems, which is ridiculous for 28-year-old me. But that's me. And it's not insulting. It's just annoying.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

I don't do things for me. I don't want to do things for me. It's not what I do, what I am, or what I want, or want to be.

Are you happy, defining yourself this way?

See, from here it just looks like you're scared of the responsibility of looking after yourself, or scared of being thought to be selfish, or have strange ideas about what makes a 'good' person that include ignoring your basic needs to the point of physical and mental abuse... and yet you wear your martyrdom like some sort of badge, as if it's the only thing you have to cling to. Maybe that's just where you are mentally right now, and maybe you aren't ready to change any of it - but it might be worth trying to figure out what you think is so very wrong about being 'selfish' enough to take good care of yourself and ask for help when you need it, and seeing whether these beliefs stand up to the light of cold hard logic.

In the meantime, you're not a machine, or some sort of golem, you're a human being. You have a body that breaks occasionally and a brain that breaks occasionally, and no, they aren't always consistent and there isn't some magic formula for perfect performance at all times. You have weaknesses. Deal. Learning to recognise those weaknesses and adapt your actions accordingly is not always an easy process - nor is integrating your long-term maintenance needs with the immediate needs of others - but even if you do just work from the perspective of trying to help other people, it is important to learn about this. undauntra mentioned resource management, and this may be a very useful way to think of things.

It's good that you got some rest, and even better that the stage makeup hasn't bothered you too much.

[papersky.livejournal.com]

Rabbi Hillel was a really smart guy.

I'd also like to draw your attention to:

http://www.bluejo.demon.co.uk/poetry/interstichia/choice.htm

[navrins]

As the person who approved sending you home:

If your presence had been truly necessary last night, we would have had you stay. The fact is that what we were doing last night did not require everyone's presence throughout. We needed a good representative sample of everyone, so we couldn't just let everyone go - but having the people on or over the edge of poor health leave was simply the rational, best-expected-value thing to do.

What we're doing FRIDAY night requires everyone's presence throughout. Had you NOT let us know of your condition, and as a result increased the chances that you would fall so far apart that you could not perform Friday - THAT would have been negligent.

Also - what undauntra said, but more tactfully phrased.

If you wish to feel ashamed of your imperfect health, that's your lookout. If you wish to feel guilty about leaving last night because of it, well, tough. You don't get to do that.

Hopefully you're still asleep.

[cheshyre]

Hopefully you're still asleep.
Alas, he had to work this morning.
But I'm going to make sure he gets a good meal before tonight's rehearsal (well, I want a good meal as well) and he's not scheduled to work tomorrow, so hopefully he can spend the whole day resting up then.

[sashajwolf.livejournal.com]

I want to start by saying that I remember talking to you elsewhere about whether the basic unit of society is the individual or the group, and that I think I have come to see it in something closer to your way since. I also remember how important it is to you. Still, though, I think the people who are encouraging you to think of yourself as one of the resources of the group are right - and that doesn't mean that it's okay to drive yourself to the state where you collapse physically after the final performance, because almost certainly that will be wasteful of the resources of at least one other group you belong to, and the degree of certainty rises the more often you do something like this, because there will be a cumulative effect on your health.

I would be sorry if you stopped having a livejournal, because there are several things you've said to me online over the years that I've come back to again and again - but in this, too, I think you should do what will represent the best stewardship of your resources for others as well as yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

I hope you continue to write (publically) in LJ...

...because your journal provides me with resources that I [need].

Not that I think for a moment that you should put my needs (or even my desires) ahead of your own. In the grand scheme of things, my needs aren't that important... or at least not any more important than yours.

So, if you [need/want] to stop writing (or more likely, build a good filter) to keep this from happening again, you should.

But I will miss you.

Kiralee

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Ian, Ian, Ian... *sigh*

I don't do things for me. I don't want to do things for me. It's not what I do, what I am, or what I want, or want to be.


Does this sound like anyone else we know? Like, oh, I don't know... a certain codependent and psychologically depleted transman of your acquaintance who lives on the West Coast?

I have been here. I know what you're going through.

The metaphor that has helped me the most in getting out of this mindset (most of the time) has been something that happens every time I take an airplane flight. The flight attendants remind you that if the oxygen masks drop down from the ceiling, to put your own on first before trying to help the people around you. If you don't do that, you will be useless to others because you won't be able to breathe.

If Ian does not take care of Ian, there will be no Ian left to take care of others. It's called "enlightened selfishness" and it is necessary to good mental health.

Give yourself permission to grab your own oxygen mask first. It's okay. I promise. Just put it on, and take a breath.

And Danny says to tell you: "And for God's sake, you're still a person and you have needs. Everyone has needs. It's okay to have needs and it's okay to express them and it's okay to get them met."

I have faith that you will get through this.

I don't think the favor of a reply was requested, but I probably should.

[greenlily.livejournal.com]

waving hand in manner of Hermione or similar Points of information?

1. As the person doing the sending, I apologize for my failure in diplomacy. It was not nice of me to tell you, and the 2 other guys in question, in full view and hearing of the rest of the cast, that you were dismissed at 11 for health reasons. If you'd been the only person who'd raised the question of "How long should I stick around if I'm about to be too tired/ill to be useful?", I wouldn't have responded publicly. I might point out that you did ask that question in a place and tone of voice where your fellow cast members could hear you.

2. In this case, useful takes precedence over nice. You weren't, in fact, the only person who asked me that. You were, like, the 4th or 5th person. As you've seen before, if more than one person brings up an issue, I tend to assume that this is in fact an issue that's bothering a number of people. I try to respond to it in such a way that everyone gets an answer to a question that some of them have asked and that some of them would probably like to ask but don't feel comfortable asking.

3. Hence my phrasing, which was something like, "You, you and you are all authorized to go home at 11, regardless of where we are in the rehearsal, because you've all told me you're Coming Down With Things. The rest of you, we're going to try to get you out of here as soon as possible." This was intended to make it clear to the rest of the cast that if anyone else is Coming Down With Something and hasn't told us, it's okay for them to ask us for a similar dismissal time. And, in fact, one castperson (Leila) did just that.

4. The fact that the other 2 guys I sent home are older than you isn't relevant (except that, given that fact, I should maybe have been a little less high-handed in my phrasing to all 3 of you). I made that fact as clear as I could by stating, specifically, "People who are sick/getting sick get to go home", rather than "People who are over 40, and Ian, get to go home".

5. None of this was in response to anything you've posted in your LJ. (And, frankly, I'm a little surprised that you'd think I'd make any public reference to something which I understand to be privileged information.) It was in response to a question you asked. If you hadn't asked, I wouldn't've included you in the "You, you and you, go home at 11" roundup. I might've found some polite pretext to pull you aside and ask you how you were holding up. I do that for a lot of people if I know they're undergoing any kind of stress, not because I'm a prodstaffer and it's my job to make sure all resources are maximized, but because I try to make it clear that prodstaffers care about the actors as people rather than maximizable resources. Sometimes, I know about that stress because of a person's LJ. But I don't bring it up where anyone else can hear it.

6. I'm sure you're sick of hearing (reading) me apologize, but once again I'm sorry that this has been so hard for you, and that my attempts to make things easier have in fact made it harder. Wasn't my intention. And I wouldn't willingly offer you, or anyone, insult, which I think (hope) you know. I understand that the way we run our company has hit some personal buttons for you. I hope you can understand that being told that my cast members are wearing themselves out because they think it's expected of them, hits some personal buttons for me, and that causes me to overcompensate by being perhaps overly high-handed in ordering people to take care of themselves. (It occurs to me that I didn't really have the right to tell mrmorse to go home, either.)

This is getting even less coherent. To sum up: I'm sorry. I'll try to keep some perspective, if you promise to keep livejournalling. Deal?

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Everyone has pretty much covered the ground I would like to. I face a lot of the same issues of self-care being a parent. But, you know, there's a reason that airlines instruct people to put on their own oxygen masks before helping others.