Maybe I just shouldn't have a livejournal
Nov. 9th, 2004 11:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasIt's 11:37. Everybody else is still at rehearsal. I, and two other people, were sent home at 11.
I feel humiliated.
See, now the prod crew knows that I've got these physical issues, and have instructed me to let them know when I'm tired. So I did. And they sent me home.
Fuck.
The first thing I felt was intense guilt for letting everyone down. I didn't actually throw up, but that may have something to do with my not being able to eat anything all day. But I did feel nauseous about it.
Then I began to feel ashamed of my weakness in HAVING to be sent home. And then I began to feel humilated because I WAS sent home. And now I'm angry for being humiliated.
Guilt, shame, and humiliation are all different, and I feel all of them right now. As well as fury about the insult that sending me home ALSO is.
And this all happened because I posted about it to my LJ. Had I not done so, they wouldn't have known and this all wouldn't have happened.
But I can't NOT post about this sort of thing to my LJ. It's like -- I feel like I've got an obligation to be honest and accurate about who I am when I'm writing here -- more honest and accurate than I actually am in person. These aren't emotions I express to anyone else.
And I don't entirely like the person that I am discovering that I actually am.
This whole thing was a case of me putting my needs above the needs of the group, and I don't do that. I just don't. Frankly, I prefer not to let people know that I have needs. I do things because it helps people out -- I teach Hebrew school because they needed a teacher, I tend bar because they needed a bartender, I auditioned for Iolanthe because they needed a baritone. I don't do things for me. I don't want to do things for me. It's not what I do, what I am, or what I want, or want to be.
And yet, in this LJ, I write about who I am, what I think, and what I feel, in a way that I don't, really, in meatlife, at least not very much.
And it's getting awkward. Because people I KNOW read this, and can therefore find out things about who I really am and what I feel that I don't necessarily want to express in person.
Like the fact that I get sick easily. Or the fact that anyone ACKNOWLEGING the fact that I get sick easily enrages me because it feels like an insult.
This all puts everyone else around me into awkward positions. And I'm sorry for that.
In better news, I slept until 1 PM today, and woke up feeling lots better than I had been, and the hypoalegenic stage makeup that I wore a splotch of behind my ear all evening didn't seem to kill me or anything.
I feel humiliated.
See, now the prod crew knows that I've got these physical issues, and have instructed me to let them know when I'm tired. So I did. And they sent me home.
Fuck.
The first thing I felt was intense guilt for letting everyone down. I didn't actually throw up, but that may have something to do with my not being able to eat anything all day. But I did feel nauseous about it.
Then I began to feel ashamed of my weakness in HAVING to be sent home. And then I began to feel humilated because I WAS sent home. And now I'm angry for being humiliated.
Guilt, shame, and humiliation are all different, and I feel all of them right now. As well as fury about the insult that sending me home ALSO is.
And this all happened because I posted about it to my LJ. Had I not done so, they wouldn't have known and this all wouldn't have happened.
But I can't NOT post about this sort of thing to my LJ. It's like -- I feel like I've got an obligation to be honest and accurate about who I am when I'm writing here -- more honest and accurate than I actually am in person. These aren't emotions I express to anyone else.
And I don't entirely like the person that I am discovering that I actually am.
This whole thing was a case of me putting my needs above the needs of the group, and I don't do that. I just don't. Frankly, I prefer not to let people know that I have needs. I do things because it helps people out -- I teach Hebrew school because they needed a teacher, I tend bar because they needed a bartender, I auditioned for Iolanthe because they needed a baritone. I don't do things for me. I don't want to do things for me. It's not what I do, what I am, or what I want, or want to be.
And yet, in this LJ, I write about who I am, what I think, and what I feel, in a way that I don't, really, in meatlife, at least not very much.
And it's getting awkward. Because people I KNOW read this, and can therefore find out things about who I really am and what I feel that I don't necessarily want to express in person.
Like the fact that I get sick easily. Or the fact that anyone ACKNOWLEGING the fact that I get sick easily enrages me because it feels like an insult.
This all puts everyone else around me into awkward positions. And I'm sorry for that.
In better news, I slept until 1 PM today, and woke up feeling lots better than I had been, and the hypoalegenic stage makeup that I wore a splotch of behind my ear all evening didn't seem to kill me or anything.