Something I realized about me
Nov. 7th, 2004 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasI just got back home from set-build. I got up at six this morning to do class prep, was at Hebrew school from 8 AM to noon, got to set build at around noon-thirty (people had started doing lights at 7 AM, and Joelll was still there when I left at 11), and left at 11.
And I realized something.
The implication of the email that was sent out was that people were expected to stay as long as they could for put-in.
And it seemed to me that every single person other than me interpreted that differently than I did. Including the people who sent out that message.
See, to me, "stay as long as you can" means "until you are physically unable to move, or have other commitments." And I figured I'd stay until either the set was built, or, frankly, until I needed to go to work, at 10 tomorrow morning.
And I realized that that was incompatable with another instruction we were given, which was, "take care of yourself, get sleep, and don't get sick."
And it caused me great mental distress. Because I had been given two incompatable instructions.
You know that voice in your head that tells you when you should stop doing something because you're hurting yourself? I don't have one. If given a task, I will continue until 1) the task is done, 2) I have another task given that supercedes it, or a previous commitment, or 3) I physically cannot continue. And I need to go through significant structural damage to reach #3.
And I began to realize, somewhere around six o'clock, when people were talking about what the plans were for set building for the next couple of days, that set building was going to continue for the next couple of days. Which meant that, to meet condition #1, I'd be working for several days straight. Which I couldn't do, because I'm tending bar tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.
And I ALSO realize that I'm damn resentful for being put into this position. I mean, if someone had said "Do this many hours of work", or "work until this time", I could deal with that. But as it is, I'm simultaneously breaking TWO instructions -- the one about staying until the job was done, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and therefore not fair to give, AND the one about taking care of oneself physically, which is already hosed for me.
See, I've been having skin rashes that won't heal for days now, and I've not been able to get enough sleep to heal them. So I'm oozing blood. I realize that most people probably don't do this. But I do. And it's going to get worse over the next couple days.
Then we had the talk about stage makeup. I hadn't entirely realized how extensive it is. And, knowing my body, I'd need at least four days of bed-rest to get my body from where it is now to where it would have a decent chance of dealing with the stage makeup. And I'm working four days and have rehearsal every night, so I'm not getting ANY bed-rest from now until when it becomes relevant. So this is going to suck.
Oh, well. I will have to see how my body reacts to the makeup, but I suspect that this will be a reason that I won't be able to participate in any stage stuff in the future, at least not onstage. I hope I'm wrong about that -- not only because I think I'd like doing this sort of thing, but also because, if I'm NOT wrong, it will take me at least two weeks to recover. And I need to be doing other things during those two weeks, so it might suck.
You know what kept me from overexerting myself this way in the past? Depression. The fact that I've always been severely depressed meant that I couldn't do ANYTHING, which is what protected me. But now that the depression is under treatment, I have absolutely NO training in how not to overexert myself. I'm used to giving 110% all the time, because that's what it usually takes to do things like get out of bed and shower. But now, well, 110% of what I can do now burns me out fast.
And I realized something.
The implication of the email that was sent out was that people were expected to stay as long as they could for put-in.
And it seemed to me that every single person other than me interpreted that differently than I did. Including the people who sent out that message.
See, to me, "stay as long as you can" means "until you are physically unable to move, or have other commitments." And I figured I'd stay until either the set was built, or, frankly, until I needed to go to work, at 10 tomorrow morning.
And I realized that that was incompatable with another instruction we were given, which was, "take care of yourself, get sleep, and don't get sick."
And it caused me great mental distress. Because I had been given two incompatable instructions.
You know that voice in your head that tells you when you should stop doing something because you're hurting yourself? I don't have one. If given a task, I will continue until 1) the task is done, 2) I have another task given that supercedes it, or a previous commitment, or 3) I physically cannot continue. And I need to go through significant structural damage to reach #3.
And I began to realize, somewhere around six o'clock, when people were talking about what the plans were for set building for the next couple of days, that set building was going to continue for the next couple of days. Which meant that, to meet condition #1, I'd be working for several days straight. Which I couldn't do, because I'm tending bar tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.
And I ALSO realize that I'm damn resentful for being put into this position. I mean, if someone had said "Do this many hours of work", or "work until this time", I could deal with that. But as it is, I'm simultaneously breaking TWO instructions -- the one about staying until the job was done, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and therefore not fair to give, AND the one about taking care of oneself physically, which is already hosed for me.
See, I've been having skin rashes that won't heal for days now, and I've not been able to get enough sleep to heal them. So I'm oozing blood. I realize that most people probably don't do this. But I do. And it's going to get worse over the next couple days.
Then we had the talk about stage makeup. I hadn't entirely realized how extensive it is. And, knowing my body, I'd need at least four days of bed-rest to get my body from where it is now to where it would have a decent chance of dealing with the stage makeup. And I'm working four days and have rehearsal every night, so I'm not getting ANY bed-rest from now until when it becomes relevant. So this is going to suck.
Oh, well. I will have to see how my body reacts to the makeup, but I suspect that this will be a reason that I won't be able to participate in any stage stuff in the future, at least not onstage. I hope I'm wrong about that -- not only because I think I'd like doing this sort of thing, but also because, if I'm NOT wrong, it will take me at least two weeks to recover. And I need to be doing other things during those two weeks, so it might suck.
You know what kept me from overexerting myself this way in the past? Depression. The fact that I've always been severely depressed meant that I couldn't do ANYTHING, which is what protected me. But now that the depression is under treatment, I have absolutely NO training in how not to overexert myself. I'm used to giving 110% all the time, because that's what it usually takes to do things like get out of bed and shower. But now, well, 110% of what I can do now burns me out fast.
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Their's not to question why....
Date: 2004-11-09 12:07 am (UTC)About 1 p.m. I was at a precinct dealing with issues with another lawyer, and I started to going beyond hot to hot, weak and dizzy. And you know what? It was really hard for me to say "You need to take me back to HQ now". I felt like I was not being a good trooper. What made me say it was that I was sitting trying to remember all of the symptoms of heat exhaustion and whether I had them (I did, actually). The fact that I was even *thinking* about it made me realize I needed a break. (The fact that the poll monitors were urging me to go sit in the shade and telling me how unwell I looked also helped.)
You know, if I had not gone back, not only might I have collapsed, long before I reached that point I would have reached the point where I could not think clearly enough to be effective at the job I was supposed to do. Which is the bottom line, I think. (As it was, I went back, drank a staggering amount of non-caffeinated beverages, and recovered enough to do four more hours, in which I was able to do what was needed of me.)
So, I understand completely where you're coming from.