Something I realized about me

[xiphias]

I just got back home from set-build. I got up at six this morning to do class prep, was at Hebrew school from 8 AM to noon, got to set build at around noon-thirty (people had started doing lights at 7 AM, and Joelll was still there when I left at 11), and left at 11.

And I realized something.

The implication of the email that was sent out was that people were expected to stay as long as they could for put-in.

And it seemed to me that every single person other than me interpreted that differently than I did. Including the people who sent out that message.

See, to me, "stay as long as you can" means "until you are physically unable to move, or have other commitments." And I figured I'd stay until either the set was built, or, frankly, until I needed to go to work, at 10 tomorrow morning.

And I realized that that was incompatable with another instruction we were given, which was, "take care of yourself, get sleep, and don't get sick."

And it caused me great mental distress. Because I had been given two incompatable instructions.

You know that voice in your head that tells you when you should stop doing something because you're hurting yourself? I don't have one. If given a task, I will continue until 1) the task is done, 2) I have another task given that supercedes it, or a previous commitment, or 3) I physically cannot continue. And I need to go through significant structural damage to reach #3.

And I began to realize, somewhere around six o'clock, when people were talking about what the plans were for set building for the next couple of days, that set building was going to continue for the next couple of days. Which meant that, to meet condition #1, I'd be working for several days straight. Which I couldn't do, because I'm tending bar tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.

And I ALSO realize that I'm damn resentful for being put into this position. I mean, if someone had said "Do this many hours of work", or "work until this time", I could deal with that. But as it is, I'm simultaneously breaking TWO instructions -- the one about staying until the job was done, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and therefore not fair to give, AND the one about taking care of oneself physically, which is already hosed for me.

See, I've been having skin rashes that won't heal for days now, and I've not been able to get enough sleep to heal them. So I'm oozing blood. I realize that most people probably don't do this. But I do. And it's going to get worse over the next couple days.

Then we had the talk about stage makeup. I hadn't entirely realized how extensive it is. And, knowing my body, I'd need at least four days of bed-rest to get my body from where it is now to where it would have a decent chance of dealing with the stage makeup. And I'm working four days and have rehearsal every night, so I'm not getting ANY bed-rest from now until when it becomes relevant. So this is going to suck.

Oh, well. I will have to see how my body reacts to the makeup, but I suspect that this will be a reason that I won't be able to participate in any stage stuff in the future, at least not onstage. I hope I'm wrong about that -- not only because I think I'd like doing this sort of thing, but also because, if I'm NOT wrong, it will take me at least two weeks to recover. And I need to be doing other things during those two weeks, so it might suck.

You know what kept me from overexerting myself this way in the past? Depression. The fact that I've always been severely depressed meant that I couldn't do ANYTHING, which is what protected me. But now that the depression is under treatment, I have absolutely NO training in how not to overexert myself. I'm used to giving 110% all the time, because that's what it usually takes to do things like get out of bed and shower. But now, well, 110% of what I can do now burns me out fast.

Comments

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

You said something awhile back about how Judaic law says that if you need to do something for your health, even if it breaks an important law like the Sabbath, you're not just allowed to do it, you're required to do it.

Well, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you need sleep. You need down-time. You need relaxation and fun. And it's not just you--it's all of us. We can't function without these things, because it confuses our sympathetic nervous system if we don't.

When you see an instruction like "...and no one's leaving until it's done!" you should remember that it's only intended to motivate the people who won't do jack shit unless you hold a gun to their heads. Figure out how long you can work on one physically demanding thing before pooping out (might vary by circumstance, but at least you'll have a rough idea) and then work for exactly that long. Then stop. If this makes you uncomfortable, go to the person who gave the instruction and say "I can only do this for four hours today." Chances are, they'll say "Oh, okay". Especially if they're not paying you. :)

You have to be good to yourself. Nobody else can do it for you. *hugs*

[ckd]

I'm used to giving 110% all the time, because that's what it usually takes to do things like get out of bed and shower. But now, well, 110% of what I can do now burns me out fast.

This reminds me of James White's The Genocidal Healer and the situation the Cromsaggar found themselves in.

I'm sure it's hard to recalibrate. I don't really have any advice, other than what classics_cat has already offered (namely: rest, do some self-care, and try to cut yourself the slack you both need and deserve).

[cafemusique.livejournal.com]

You know what kept me from overexerting myself this way in the past? Depression.

This part really hit home to me, because I've dealt (is past tense really appropriate for me?) with depression, and I also tend to expend as much effort as I can, and feel like I'm lazy if I don't.

No real suggestions, but your words have sparked some thought here tonight.

[jenett]

Sympathy: I have some of the same problems, though not the same root. (I'm particularly sensitive to sleep loss, even pretty small amounts.)

What I've found helps:

1) know my own limits. (If I'm otherwise healthy, I can do about one late night every week to ten days. If it's over that, I need to plan substantial recovery time - going to bed even earlier, a weekend without any plans when I can nap if I want, etc.)

2) When I hit something that hits those limits, talking to the person involved. This is the hard part.

But training myself to say "Hey, this email says X. This part of X is going to be hard for me. Is it crucial, or could I come/leave at a different time?" has been incredibly useful.

3) The husband-person also hits me over the head when I start being stupid about overdoing things. (Metaphorically, obviously). I pay attention to him, because he often picks up on cues I didn't notice that I'm getting overwhelmed. The feedback often helps give me the push to do the conversation in #2.

[goljerp]

It seems to me that you need some tuning with regards to the laws of Xiphiotics. Your first law (A Xiphius shall not harm another person, or through inaction, cause another person to come to harm) seems to be in balance. However,unlike an Asimovian Robot, you need to give more weight to the third law (self-preservation) over the second law (following orders).

Of course, it's easy for me to be silly about this; it must be very difficult for you to deal with this. On a more serious note: It's really important to take care of yourself. You've put in a good 10.5 hours building the set; I think you've more than fulfilled your obligation. You probably could've left at 7 without anyone thinking that you were shirking. I've volunteered with this kind of thing before (most recently, helping to do setup for a friend's off-broadway play). It always takes a long time, and even unskilled (which I am) help is appreciated... but nobody expects a volunteer or chorus member to be there all the time. If you were the person in charge of lighting... well, then you'd be expected to stay until that was done... but you're not. Get sleep. Rest. As other people have commented, the "stay as long as you can" was to inspire the lazy bums among the group to actually come in, and plan to stay for more than half an hour.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

goljerp: However,unlike an Asimovian Robot, you need to give more weight to the third law (self-preservation) over the second law (following orders).

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking of, mulling this post over on my way to work this morning. :-}

xiphias: But as it is, I'm simultaneously breaking TWO instructions -- the one about staying until the job was done, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and therefore not fair to give, AND the one about taking care of oneself physically, which is already hosed for me.

Dear love. Please remember that, as with the Laws of Robotics, these instructions are hierarchical.

The First Law of Theatrics is "A production member [cast or crew] shall practice good physical and emotional self-care so as not to become sick, injured, mad, or worse at any time as a result of the production."

The Second Law of Theatrics is, "A cast member shall attend all rehearsal and performance commitments in a timely and constructive manner except where such attendance would conflict with the First Law."

The Third Law of Theatrics is, "A production member shall put as much additional work as possible into the production as long as such contribution does not conflict with the First or Second Laws."

There are very, very few people who need the Third Law applied as a constraint on their volunteer effort. But as you're one of them, mind that you do so, or we will be required to enforce it by kicking you out of La Sala at appropriate times. *hugs*

[cheshyre]

One catch with that is that Ian doesn't have terribly good powers of self-observation.

He doesn't tend to notice "I'm hungry, I should eat soon." Rather, he gives notice at "I'm hungry, I'm about to pass out."
I'm still not always good at parsing Ian-ese in this regard.

It's possibly something for a followup post; how *do* you notice such things about onesself? [Maybe I should research the training given to kids without pain receptors; Ian feels pain, but doesn't always recognize it as a sign to stop what he's doing. [Possibly it comes from knowing people with chronic pain. When pain *doesn't* have a relationship to one's actions, then why give into it?]

[zdenka]

I like those Laws of Theatrics. May I quote you?

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

By all means!

[greenlily.livejournal.com]

*facepalm* This is what Mycroft was talking about.

He said he missed Ruth [one of our producers from last spring's show] because she did things like make sure there was water available at put-in for people to drink who don't like coffee. Had I not been so tired when he said this, I would've realized that he was pointing out that there was, in fact, not really anyone wandering around making sure people were okay and taking breaks and not overexerting themselves.

Ian, I'm terribly sorry that none of us on prodstaff gave a clearer explanation to first-time MITG&SPers, and that none of us were paying enough attention to notice when people had Done Enough. The laws that longtime MITG&SPer chanaleh has laid out are entirely accurate. Let me clarify further: You've more than done enough. :) You should now consider yourself entirely free to concentrate on the bits about taking care of yourself, getting sleep, etc. *hugs* and more sorry.

[red-queen.livejournal.com]

What she said. Your first job is to be a good chorister -- a good HEALTHY chorister. Contribute as you can to the production in other ways, but don't stress yourself about secondary obligations. And it's very much okay to ask and check assumptions as you go. People do forget to articulate assumptions all the time.

Does your watch have a timer or multiple alarms? Do you have a PDA? You can use these devices to remember to eat (before you hit bottom) and do other self-care stuff. I speak from experience, believe me.

Oh, and w/r/t makeup -- I'll make sure to get some more of the most hypoallergenic cream base when I go shopping tomorrow. (Figured out who I am now? ;-}) Please, please, TELL ME when you have "special needs" -- you're not being a diva (divo?). Before you put on makeup, apply a layer of lubriderm or keri lotion (or some hypoallergenic moisturizer). Get some Neutrogena sensitive-skin makeup remover (or another good hypoallergenic brand) at the drugstore, and keep it for your own use. I get unscented baby wipes for the cast, but it sounds like you might do better to be really careful about what you use. I stock enough sponges so that we don't have to re-use them. I'll get some brush cleaner so that you can make sure that the brushes you use are absolutely clean, too. You aren't the only cast member with sensitive skin. There are some limits on what we can do to accommodate it, but I'll do the best I can.

Don't forget to have fun, too!

makeup

[cheshyre]

If you're providing makeup, any chance Ian could try a sample before the performance on his inner arm or somewhere just as a tester?

I was thinking of running somewhere like Sallie's Beauty Supply for cleansers, but I'm not sure what to get. I personally use Cetaphil lotion as a facial cleanser, which is supposed to be super-hypo-allergenic, but even that has given Ian problems on occasion. I think we have some babywipes at home, and Neutrogena liquid soap, but I've never dealt with theatrical makeup before so don't know from cold cream or the like.

[red-queen.livejournal.com]

No problem. I won't be at rehearsal tonight, since they won't be doing makeup, but I'll make sure to do so tomorrow.

I used Neutrogena all thru my childhood of sensitive skin -- maybe their makeup removers would be good for him? I don't think you'll find anything amazing at Sallie's, but a good thought anyway.

Mehron's Celebre cream makeup is pretty good for sensitive skin; I'll check out Ben Nye's cream bases, too. We have some Celebre in the kit already, but I was thinking of getting a bit more (limited availability locally, which is why I was considering alternatives). Cake base, which is what most of the cast uses, is pretty harsh. Ian is not, as I mentioned before, the only cast member with sensitive skin, so this isn't a big huge deal.

I'll do what I can to debug this so that he doesn't end up miserable! Theatre is far too much fun to be constrained by something like makeup sensitivies...

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Ian, can you put them in hierarchical order?

Overexertion, It's where fun begins.

[merkcomet.livejournal.com]

Ian, why aren't we brothers? Damned, I don't think I've ever heard such familiar words from anyone's head but my own. Actually, I have no profound philosophy for you, as I've still not yet beaten it in myself, but what I can say is this. I've found, in my vast experience attempting suicide by overworking and caring insufficiently for my health, that there is a line one can cross, where one works more, and longer than others believe possible, but works so much that one does gain nothing from it. Sometimes, too much work will send you backward. Freakin' weird. Maybe we'll get past this, someday. Solidarity, brother. We can do it. I hope.

Their's not to question why....

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of election day. I'm running around Tampa (in a black dress, because we're supposed to be businesslike, and that was the only thing I had other than jeans) and it is insanely hot. Like a good volunteer, I had signed up for the whole day. Like a possibly insane volunteer, when they had said "business casual", I had not said "I've only really got jeans, can I have an assignment where that's okay?"

About 1 p.m. I was at a precinct dealing with issues with another lawyer, and I started to going beyond hot to hot, weak and dizzy. And you know what? It was really hard for me to say "You need to take me back to HQ now". I felt like I was not being a good trooper. What made me say it was that I was sitting trying to remember all of the symptoms of heat exhaustion and whether I had them (I did, actually). The fact that I was even *thinking* about it made me realize I needed a break. (The fact that the poll monitors were urging me to go sit in the shade and telling me how unwell I looked also helped.)

You know, if I had not gone back, not only might I have collapsed, long before I reached that point I would have reached the point where I could not think clearly enough to be effective at the job I was supposed to do. Which is the bottom line, I think. (As it was, I went back, drank a staggering amount of non-caffeinated beverages, and recovered enough to do four more hours, in which I was able to do what was needed of me.)

So, I understand completely where you're coming from.