![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasMy Nana, Barbara Becker, died, um, is it day before yesterday, now? Something like that.
This is not in the least unexpected. She's been in a nursing home for years, in hospice for months. And she's had advanced Alzheimers enough that she hasn't recognized any of us, as far as I know, for, I don't know, a year, maybe? I'm terrible with time. I mean, I think she might have been somewhat aware of her daughters as "people who I'm close to", even if she didn't know who they were particularly.
So, yeah. Of course it's sad, but there's a whole lot of relief mixed in with that sad. It's not even relief on behalf of Nana -- she was receiving very competent care, and my aunts and uncles and parents were extremely careful to make sure that she was in no distress or discomfort. So, it's not relief that "her suffering is over", because she wasn't suffering -- her kids made sure that she wouldn't be.
No, the relief is on behalf of everyone else. The relief is that my aunts and uncles and Mom and Dad aren't going to have to continue to put all their time, money, energy, and stress toward making sure that Nana isn't suffering, toward making sure that her quality of life is always as high as possible, no matter how limited that may be. It's not Nana's tribulations that are over -- it's my Mom's tribulations, and her brothers' and sisters', and their spouses, and, to a lesser extent, those of us in my generation.
They've all done heroic work in caring for Nana through her dementia.
So I'm not feeling relief that Nana is now allowed to lay down her burden. I'm feeling relief that Nana's children, my aunts and uncles, are now allowed to lay down the burden of caring for her. It's a burden they willingly shouldered, and they ought to be proud of the job they did.
But I feel great relief on their behalf that the job is finished.
This is not in the least unexpected. She's been in a nursing home for years, in hospice for months. And she's had advanced Alzheimers enough that she hasn't recognized any of us, as far as I know, for, I don't know, a year, maybe? I'm terrible with time. I mean, I think she might have been somewhat aware of her daughters as "people who I'm close to", even if she didn't know who they were particularly.
So, yeah. Of course it's sad, but there's a whole lot of relief mixed in with that sad. It's not even relief on behalf of Nana -- she was receiving very competent care, and my aunts and uncles and parents were extremely careful to make sure that she was in no distress or discomfort. So, it's not relief that "her suffering is over", because she wasn't suffering -- her kids made sure that she wouldn't be.
No, the relief is on behalf of everyone else. The relief is that my aunts and uncles and Mom and Dad aren't going to have to continue to put all their time, money, energy, and stress toward making sure that Nana isn't suffering, toward making sure that her quality of life is always as high as possible, no matter how limited that may be. It's not Nana's tribulations that are over -- it's my Mom's tribulations, and her brothers' and sisters', and their spouses, and, to a lesser extent, those of us in my generation.
They've all done heroic work in caring for Nana through her dementia.
So I'm not feeling relief that Nana is now allowed to lay down her burden. I'm feeling relief that Nana's children, my aunts and uncles, are now allowed to lay down the burden of caring for her. It's a burden they willingly shouldered, and they ought to be proud of the job they did.
But I feel great relief on their behalf that the job is finished.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 02:13 am (UTC)I'm sorry for your family's loss, and I'm also glad that your family can finally go from carrying your Nana, to celebrating her instead.
N.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 03:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-05 12:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 03:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 03:50 am (UTC)(I understand the feeling of relief very well. My family went through something similar when my mother's mother died in 2006, and we were just on the edge of it with my other grandmother when she died.)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 04:56 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 05:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 06:30 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 10:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 11:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 12:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 12:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 01:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 02:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 02:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 03:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 04:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 05:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-04 05:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-06 02:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-07 11:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-07 03:17 pm (UTC)I hope the happy memories will outweigh the not so happy ones.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-10-11 05:50 am (UTC)I remember the last time I saw Barbara. it was a long time ago, at your folks' house. Her memory was weakening, but when we walked together into the room where her wedding portrait is hung, she recognized it immediately, and was delighted to see it there. I loved being able to share that moment of joy with her.