The Purim schpeil script
Mar. 3rd, 2008 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasScript for the schpeil under cut. If you're planning on seeing it, maybe you don't want to read it. Up to you, really.
SCENE 1
ACHASH: Go get Vashti.
ATTENDANT: Why?
ACHASH: Why?
ATTENDANT: No, I'm asking you why you want Vashti.
ACHASH: I don't remember. Something about dancing naked.
[ATTENDANT GOES TO VASHTI]
ATTENDANT: Be understanding and patient: the king is growing forgetful in his old age.
ACHASH: I may be forgetful, but I'm not deaf.
ATTENDANT: What?
ACHASH: What?
ATTENDANT: Anyway, let's get to the point. The king wants Vashti to dance naked in the party scene of his latest movie.
VASHTI: Oh! Yes, yes! I accept, I accept!
AGENT: No, she won't be taking the offer.
VASHTI: What? Why?
ATTENDANT: I'll have you know, the king is going to be very angry.
AGENT: I'm sorry. My client does NOT do nude scenes.
VASHTI: Who made you boss?
AGENT: The contract.
VASHTI: What contract?
[AGENT PULLS CONTRACT OUT OF BRIEFCASE]
AGENT: This contract, signed in accordance with Persian law with respect to ban on public nudity.
[VASHTI TOSSES HEAD. AGENT'S PHONE RINGS]
AGENT: Talk to me. Uh hunh. Un hunh. We'll take it. Vashti, let's go. We've got a better offer.
[AGENT AND VASHTI MARCH OFF; ADVISOR GOES BACK TO KING]
ACHASH: So, how was the discussion with the nudists?
ADVISOR: Um, uh, not too well. They declined.
ACHASH: What? What?! I must find a new lead actress for my kingdom.
SCENE II
RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to Persian Idol, where the winner of tonight's final gets to go on to meet King Achashverosh himself, in order to become the next queen of Persia! Here's our first contestant, Senator Hillary Clinton!
SENTATOR CLINTON: Good evening, Ryan, Paula, Simon, Randy, and people of Persia. Tonight, I'd have a question for you, a question that you should be asking of anyone who wants to be Queen of Persia. This is the most important question, and qualification, for Queen in this difficult time. Hit it!
[ARE YOU EXPERIENCED by Jimmi Hendrix plays:]
SENATOR CLINTON: If you can just get your mind together / Uh-then come on across to me/ We'll hold hands and then we'll watch the sunrise / From the bottom of the sea / But first, are you experienced? / Uh-have you ever been experienced-uh?
SIMON: Okay, okay, stop it. I've heard enough. I must say, I've rarely “experienced” anything as painful as that.
PAULA: Now, girlfriend, don't listen to him! I thought you really rocked! Girl power!
RANDY: Well, I liked your energy, you know? You had a message there, but I don't know if I really, y'know, FELT it.
SIMON: All I can say is that it's a darned good thing that Jimmi Hendrix drowned in his own vomit back in 1970, because if he hadn't, he certainly would after hearing THAT.
RYAN: Okay! Now, our next contestant on Persian Idol, from Chicago, Illinois, Senator Barak Obama!
SENATOR OBAMA: In this time, I think that we have ONE question to ask ourselves about this country: is it time for change? CAN we change this country? YES, WE CAN! What do we want? We want CHANGE!
[CHANGES by David Bowie starts playing]
SENATOR OBAMA: I still don't know what I was waiting for / And my time was running wild / A million dead-end streets / Every time I thought I'd got it made / It seemed the taste was not so sweet / So I turned myself to face me / But I've never caught a glimpse / Of how the others must see the faker / I'm much too fast to take that test / Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes / (Turn and face the strain) / Ch-ch-Changes / Don't want to be a richer man / Ch-ch-ch-ch- Changes
ANOTHER STUDENT IN THE CLASS: Jake – Jake – hold it – turn off that music, will you?
[MUSIC STOPS]
JAKE: What?
STUDENT: I just remembered: didn't we do this whole American Idol bit a few years back?
JULES: Oh, yeah, I think you're right.
CHARLIE: I wasn't here then.
JAKE: Yeah, but we already did it.
CHARLIE: Oh, well. It would be stupid to do it again, then.
JULES: By the way, Esther won the contest, and then Haman became the king's new advisor.
[JAKE, CHARLIE, JULES, and the other STUDENT gather up the chairs and CD player and walk off.]
SCENE III
A JEW: Oh, Em, Gee. I can't believe that a Jew like me can be here standing in front of the brand new advisor to the king! Here, Haman! In celebration of your new job, here's an ice cream cone!
HAMAN: WHAT?! You DOOFUS! I'm lactose intolerant! I'll kill you! I'll kill ALL OF YOU!!
NARRATOR: Reaction to Haman's decree was swift, and passionate. People talked about it, people argued with their friends about the best way to deal with it. One young man even recorded a video, and put it up on YouTube.
CHRIS CROCKER: Leave the Jews alone! They're PEOPLE! How would you like it if people came to you and said that they would kill all of you? LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!!! [*SOB*] You JERKS! If you want to get the Jews, you'll have to deal with ME! LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!!! [*SOB*]
SCENE IV
MORDECHAI: Oh no. This is horrible. Haman is going to have us all killed. I am so angry. Aaargh. I am also so very sad. Boo hoo. How horrible this is. I can not express how very upset I am now. What ever could we do to save our community.
ESTHER: Oh, my G-d. That is SO sad. I have just got to do something about it.
MORDECHAI: I am very proud of you, Esther. I am overflowing with joy and pride at your bravery. But what ever could you do to save us. How could you possibly help overturn that decree. Is there something you can do.
ESTHER: I think that it's time that I exposed myself to the king.
MORDECHAI: Um. What exactly are you suggesting.
ESTHER: You know, exposed myself as a Jew.
MORDECHAI: Oh, phew. I am so relieved. I thought you meant something else.
SCENE V
Mordechai: Okay, so time has passed. Esther's plan worked, and Haman is dead. I am overjoyed and jubilant about this. Hooray. But the king's decree is still in place. I am very upset and worried about that. Is there anybody around who can come up with ideas of how we can clean up this mess that the previous administration left us with?
CLINTON and OBAMA enter.
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: Senator Clinton, what can you do to help the Jews?
SENATOR CLINTON: Well, my health care plan will ensure that every Jew will have health care, even if they're killed by Haman's decree.
[EVERYONE kind of shrugs and looks at each other, like, it's an OKAY idea, but they're not really impressed.]
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: How about you, Senator Obama?
SENTATOR OBAMA: Under MY health care plan, we are CERTAIN, that EVERY JEW, no matter who it is, whether they live in Hodu, or in Kush, no matter who, will be covered – even if they're
killed by Haman's decree!
[EVERYBODY cheers]
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: He's so dreamy!!
SENATOR CLINTON: Wait – isn't that's exactly what I just said?
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: So, Senator Clinton – do you have any other ideas to help the Jews?
SENATOR CLINTON: Well, I've come up with a defense plan. Under my defense plan, Jews could defend themselves.
AUDIENCE: Hmm. I don't know. MAYBE it would work. How about you, Sendator Obama? Do you have a defense plan?
SENATOR OBAMA: I believe that, we could create a defense plan, in which the Jews could defend themselves. We can create a world, in which Jews, can defend their own communities – YES, WE CAN!
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS, GOES WILD – someone faints]
SENATOR CLINTON: But that's what I said . . .
AUDIENCE: One final question: what do you think about the previous administration's plan to invade Iran?
SENATOR CLINTON: We're in Persia. Persia IS Iran. How can we invade Iran if we ARE Iran?
AUDIENCE: Senator Obama?
SENATOR OBAMA: We must remember, in this historic time, we must never forget, that Iran IS Persia. Persia, is our HOME. Our HOMELAND. How can we invade our homeland? We must PROTECT our homeland, so we may not INVADE ourselves. CAN WE INVADE OURSELVES?? YES, WE CAN! No, wait, I mean, NO WE CAN'T!!
SENATOR CLINTON: Whatever. I'm going home.
SCENE 1
ACHASH: Go get Vashti.
ATTENDANT: Why?
ACHASH: Why?
ATTENDANT: No, I'm asking you why you want Vashti.
ACHASH: I don't remember. Something about dancing naked.
[ATTENDANT GOES TO VASHTI]
ATTENDANT: Be understanding and patient: the king is growing forgetful in his old age.
ACHASH: I may be forgetful, but I'm not deaf.
ATTENDANT: What?
ACHASH: What?
ATTENDANT: Anyway, let's get to the point. The king wants Vashti to dance naked in the party scene of his latest movie.
VASHTI: Oh! Yes, yes! I accept, I accept!
AGENT: No, she won't be taking the offer.
VASHTI: What? Why?
ATTENDANT: I'll have you know, the king is going to be very angry.
AGENT: I'm sorry. My client does NOT do nude scenes.
VASHTI: Who made you boss?
AGENT: The contract.
VASHTI: What contract?
[AGENT PULLS CONTRACT OUT OF BRIEFCASE]
AGENT: This contract, signed in accordance with Persian law with respect to ban on public nudity.
[VASHTI TOSSES HEAD. AGENT'S PHONE RINGS]
AGENT: Talk to me. Uh hunh. Un hunh. We'll take it. Vashti, let's go. We've got a better offer.
[AGENT AND VASHTI MARCH OFF; ADVISOR GOES BACK TO KING]
ACHASH: So, how was the discussion with the nudists?
ADVISOR: Um, uh, not too well. They declined.
ACHASH: What? What?! I must find a new lead actress for my kingdom.
SCENE II
RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to Persian Idol, where the winner of tonight's final gets to go on to meet King Achashverosh himself, in order to become the next queen of Persia! Here's our first contestant, Senator Hillary Clinton!
SENTATOR CLINTON: Good evening, Ryan, Paula, Simon, Randy, and people of Persia. Tonight, I'd have a question for you, a question that you should be asking of anyone who wants to be Queen of Persia. This is the most important question, and qualification, for Queen in this difficult time. Hit it!
[ARE YOU EXPERIENCED by Jimmi Hendrix plays:]
SENATOR CLINTON: If you can just get your mind together / Uh-then come on across to me/ We'll hold hands and then we'll watch the sunrise / From the bottom of the sea / But first, are you experienced? / Uh-have you ever been experienced-uh?
SIMON: Okay, okay, stop it. I've heard enough. I must say, I've rarely “experienced” anything as painful as that.
PAULA: Now, girlfriend, don't listen to him! I thought you really rocked! Girl power!
RANDY: Well, I liked your energy, you know? You had a message there, but I don't know if I really, y'know, FELT it.
SIMON: All I can say is that it's a darned good thing that Jimmi Hendrix drowned in his own vomit back in 1970, because if he hadn't, he certainly would after hearing THAT.
RYAN: Okay! Now, our next contestant on Persian Idol, from Chicago, Illinois, Senator Barak Obama!
SENATOR OBAMA: In this time, I think that we have ONE question to ask ourselves about this country: is it time for change? CAN we change this country? YES, WE CAN! What do we want? We want CHANGE!
[CHANGES by David Bowie starts playing]
SENATOR OBAMA: I still don't know what I was waiting for / And my time was running wild / A million dead-end streets / Every time I thought I'd got it made / It seemed the taste was not so sweet / So I turned myself to face me / But I've never caught a glimpse / Of how the others must see the faker / I'm much too fast to take that test / Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes / (Turn and face the strain) / Ch-ch-Changes / Don't want to be a richer man / Ch-ch-ch-ch- Changes
ANOTHER STUDENT IN THE CLASS: Jake – Jake – hold it – turn off that music, will you?
[MUSIC STOPS]
JAKE: What?
STUDENT: I just remembered: didn't we do this whole American Idol bit a few years back?
JULES: Oh, yeah, I think you're right.
CHARLIE: I wasn't here then.
JAKE: Yeah, but we already did it.
CHARLIE: Oh, well. It would be stupid to do it again, then.
JULES: By the way, Esther won the contest, and then Haman became the king's new advisor.
[JAKE, CHARLIE, JULES, and the other STUDENT gather up the chairs and CD player and walk off.]
SCENE III
A JEW: Oh, Em, Gee. I can't believe that a Jew like me can be here standing in front of the brand new advisor to the king! Here, Haman! In celebration of your new job, here's an ice cream cone!
HAMAN: WHAT?! You DOOFUS! I'm lactose intolerant! I'll kill you! I'll kill ALL OF YOU!!
NARRATOR: Reaction to Haman's decree was swift, and passionate. People talked about it, people argued with their friends about the best way to deal with it. One young man even recorded a video, and put it up on YouTube.
CHRIS CROCKER: Leave the Jews alone! They're PEOPLE! How would you like it if people came to you and said that they would kill all of you? LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!!! [*SOB*] You JERKS! If you want to get the Jews, you'll have to deal with ME! LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!!! [*SOB*]
SCENE IV
MORDECHAI: Oh no. This is horrible. Haman is going to have us all killed. I am so angry. Aaargh. I am also so very sad. Boo hoo. How horrible this is. I can not express how very upset I am now. What ever could we do to save our community.
ESTHER: Oh, my G-d. That is SO sad. I have just got to do something about it.
MORDECHAI: I am very proud of you, Esther. I am overflowing with joy and pride at your bravery. But what ever could you do to save us. How could you possibly help overturn that decree. Is there something you can do.
ESTHER: I think that it's time that I exposed myself to the king.
MORDECHAI: Um. What exactly are you suggesting.
ESTHER: You know, exposed myself as a Jew.
MORDECHAI: Oh, phew. I am so relieved. I thought you meant something else.
SCENE V
Mordechai: Okay, so time has passed. Esther's plan worked, and Haman is dead. I am overjoyed and jubilant about this. Hooray. But the king's decree is still in place. I am very upset and worried about that. Is there anybody around who can come up with ideas of how we can clean up this mess that the previous administration left us with?
CLINTON and OBAMA enter.
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: Senator Clinton, what can you do to help the Jews?
SENATOR CLINTON: Well, my health care plan will ensure that every Jew will have health care, even if they're killed by Haman's decree.
[EVERYONE kind of shrugs and looks at each other, like, it's an OKAY idea, but they're not really impressed.]
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: How about you, Senator Obama?
SENTATOR OBAMA: Under MY health care plan, we are CERTAIN, that EVERY JEW, no matter who it is, whether they live in Hodu, or in Kush, no matter who, will be covered – even if they're
killed by Haman's decree!
[EVERYBODY cheers]
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: He's so dreamy!!
SENATOR CLINTON: Wait – isn't that's exactly what I just said?
PERSON IN AUDIENCE: So, Senator Clinton – do you have any other ideas to help the Jews?
SENATOR CLINTON: Well, I've come up with a defense plan. Under my defense plan, Jews could defend themselves.
AUDIENCE: Hmm. I don't know. MAYBE it would work. How about you, Sendator Obama? Do you have a defense plan?
SENATOR OBAMA: I believe that, we could create a defense plan, in which the Jews could defend themselves. We can create a world, in which Jews, can defend their own communities – YES, WE CAN!
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS, GOES WILD – someone faints]
SENATOR CLINTON: But that's what I said . . .
AUDIENCE: One final question: what do you think about the previous administration's plan to invade Iran?
SENATOR CLINTON: We're in Persia. Persia IS Iran. How can we invade Iran if we ARE Iran?
AUDIENCE: Senator Obama?
SENATOR OBAMA: We must remember, in this historic time, we must never forget, that Iran IS Persia. Persia, is our HOME. Our HOMELAND. How can we invade our homeland? We must PROTECT our homeland, so we may not INVADE ourselves. CAN WE INVADE OURSELVES?? YES, WE CAN! No, wait, I mean, NO WE CAN'T!!
SENATOR CLINTON: Whatever. I'm going home.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-04 05:38 am (UTC)..besides, I'd probably forget what I read by then, with these painkillers. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-04 07:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-04 11:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-04 12:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-04 09:16 pm (UTC)*iz ded*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-05 02:12 am (UTC)Kindly put a "not safe to read while eating" warning before the cut. Pizza is not designed for breathing.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-05 03:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-05 07:28 pm (UTC)How many of the audience members will get all the pop culture references?
And how do you actually pronounce "Oh, my G-d"? I've only seen it written.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-03-05 08:16 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-17 04:52 am (UTC)