I yelled at my class today
Sep. 30th, 2007 02:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasAnd then lectured them about lashon ha-ra.
I feel vaguely guilty about yelling and lecturing, but I'd feel a lot worse if I hadn't taken some action about students hurting each other's feelings.
I just don't know if I handled it right. One student wrote something that could be construed as hurtful about another student in zir notebook. A second student looked over zir shoulder, read it, and called the student about which it was about over to also see it, who saw it, grabbed the page of the notebook, and crumpled it up. Only the last part of this was obvious, so I yelled at the third student. Who was more upset by this than zie usually is when I yell at zir, so I knew that something else was up, and found out the rest of the story.
I told them that all three of them had done things wrong, but that they weren't of the same magnitude. I said that writing hurtful things in one's own notebook is bad, but that, as it wasn't intended to be seen by anyone, and therefore wasn't intended to hurt anyone, that is mitigating. So it's bad, but not SO bad. I said that grabbing someone else's notebook and crumpling the page was absolutely unacceptable. But that the person who had done the worst thing was the second student. Because that was lashon ha-ra.
And I lectured them about that. And how we, in the classroom, are a community, and lashon ha-ra damages communities. You don't have to LIKE everyone in your community, but you ARE a community. And avoiding lashon ha-ra is one of the ways you preserve communities.
The three students looked abashed and ashamed at their actions, and the rest of the class looked intent and somewhat worried. And at the end of the lecture, I asked if we were all willing to, in a sense, pretend that this whole situation hadn't happened. That, to repair our community, we had to forgive each other, which, in this case, would mean trying to remember the lessons, but forgetting the incident as much as we could.
They all agreed that they would like to move past the whole thing and pretend it never happened. I did try to be certain that all of them knew that, if they DIDN'T feel comfortable moving on, we could still work on it, but they were all embarrassed by it and wanted to just have it over and gone, so we did.
I still don't know if I did the right thing. I think I did an okay thing, but I don't know if I was right.
It's hard to know if one was fair. It's hard to know if one was correct.
Was I right that crumpling up the page was more wrong that writing the page? Was I right that calling attention to the page was more wrong than either writing it, or destroying it? I don't really know. I THINK I was at least close enough to right, but I'm not certain, and am still feeling guilty and unsettled. But I would feel MORE guilty and unsettled if I HADN'T done something like that. I'm responsible, in part, for my kids' moral and ethical development, and for their emotional health.
I feel vaguely guilty about yelling and lecturing, but I'd feel a lot worse if I hadn't taken some action about students hurting each other's feelings.
I just don't know if I handled it right. One student wrote something that could be construed as hurtful about another student in zir notebook. A second student looked over zir shoulder, read it, and called the student about which it was about over to also see it, who saw it, grabbed the page of the notebook, and crumpled it up. Only the last part of this was obvious, so I yelled at the third student. Who was more upset by this than zie usually is when I yell at zir, so I knew that something else was up, and found out the rest of the story.
I told them that all three of them had done things wrong, but that they weren't of the same magnitude. I said that writing hurtful things in one's own notebook is bad, but that, as it wasn't intended to be seen by anyone, and therefore wasn't intended to hurt anyone, that is mitigating. So it's bad, but not SO bad. I said that grabbing someone else's notebook and crumpling the page was absolutely unacceptable. But that the person who had done the worst thing was the second student. Because that was lashon ha-ra.
And I lectured them about that. And how we, in the classroom, are a community, and lashon ha-ra damages communities. You don't have to LIKE everyone in your community, but you ARE a community. And avoiding lashon ha-ra is one of the ways you preserve communities.
The three students looked abashed and ashamed at their actions, and the rest of the class looked intent and somewhat worried. And at the end of the lecture, I asked if we were all willing to, in a sense, pretend that this whole situation hadn't happened. That, to repair our community, we had to forgive each other, which, in this case, would mean trying to remember the lessons, but forgetting the incident as much as we could.
They all agreed that they would like to move past the whole thing and pretend it never happened. I did try to be certain that all of them knew that, if they DIDN'T feel comfortable moving on, we could still work on it, but they were all embarrassed by it and wanted to just have it over and gone, so we did.
I still don't know if I did the right thing. I think I did an okay thing, but I don't know if I was right.
It's hard to know if one was fair. It's hard to know if one was correct.
Was I right that crumpling up the page was more wrong that writing the page? Was I right that calling attention to the page was more wrong than either writing it, or destroying it? I don't really know. I THINK I was at least close enough to right, but I'm not certain, and am still feeling guilty and unsettled. But I would feel MORE guilty and unsettled if I HADN'T done something like that. I'm responsible, in part, for my kids' moral and ethical development, and for their emotional health.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-01 12:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-01 02:22 am (UTC)The literal translation is "the evil/bad tounge." "Lashon" is "tounge", and, by extention, "language" -- Hebrew, for instance, is called "the holy language", or "lashon ha-kadosh." "Ra" means "evil" or "bad", as in "yetzer ha-ra" -- "the impulse to do evil." As contrasted with the "yetzer ha-tov", "the impulse to do good."
(Paranthetically, in Judaism, it is considered that most people ought to balance their yetzer ha-ra and yetzer ha-tov. Because a society can only survive a certain number of people with NO yetzer ha-ra. Folks who are entirely devoted to their yetzer ha-tov will spend all their time in meditation, study, and prayer, and will not look toward material or earthly needs -- such as growing food, expanding businesses, investing, starting families -- all of which are from "base impulses", like sex, desire for power, desire for comfort and wealth -- and that, properly harnessed, those desires end up HELPING the community, rather than harming it. Of course, UNHARNESSED, they're destructive.)
The most frequent translation you see for "lashon ha-ra" is "gossip", or perhaps "talebearing" (well, that's more properly "rechilut", but "rechilut" and "lashon ha-ra" are very closely related sins), but, like most culturally-dependent terms, the simple translations are only approximate, and possibly misleading. Because lashon ha-ra is far more wide-reaching than either of these things. And also narrower.
"Talebearing" sounds a lot like "tattle-taleing", but it's not quite the same. If you are reporting a wrong done to the appropriate authorities, is that right or wrong?
Well. . . . it depends. On whether said authorities are just and fair and are exercising apropriate rule of law, for instance. Like most concepts, lashon ha-ra gets real messy and difficult when applied to the Real World. Most Jewish law does, frankly -- but that doesn't make it less useful.
And we usually think of "gossip" as a problem as spreading negative, untrue stories about people. And those are certainly the worst. But, lashon ha-ra includes passing along TRUE information -- and even passing along POSITIVE information.
According to the rules of lashon ha-ra, you may only pass along RELEVANT information, true or false.
Of all the rules in Jewish law, lashon ha-ra is probably the most difficult to follow. Of the rules which I attempt to follow, lashon ha-ra is the one I screw up most often.
There is something of an overview of some of the basic concepts in lashon ha-ra here. It's fairly basic, but, as far as I understand the laws, it's a good starting point.
I guess, if I were to try to make a one sentence description of lashon ha-ra, I might say, "using words in a way that hurts a person, or damages a community." Even positive statements may damage a community, in that they can stir up resentment. If I say "Adam is very smart," and Betty hears it, Betty may wonder if I think that SHE'S not very smart, since I didn't say that about her.
Like I said, of the Jewish laws I do make an attempt to follow, this is one of the ones which I most consistently screw up. I try to follow it, but, heck -- I'm CERTAIN that there is TONS of lashon ha-ra in my LJ right now.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-03 09:30 am (UTC)I am sorry if it is tricky, but having been called (accused of being?) a private person myself, often I learn important and useful things that are helpful for me by listening to tales for enjoyment.
So, my first question is - how is the talker supposed to know which information would be relevant? Or is silence always considered better than revealing information? But what about situations when not knowing brings harm, yet the silent person has no way to KNOW that the silence would bring harm? Preventative talking would still be a sin even so?
What is the responsibility of the listener? Is it sin if I do not talk about the problems I grapple with, so making it impossible for others to know what information WOULD be relevant?
I do find this a really fascinating set of problems/ rules/ possibilities of interpretation.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-03 12:09 pm (UTC)Silence is not ALWAYS considered better. But it's really complicated. Your third paragraph summarizes many of the truly difficult questions about lashon ha-ra. The short answer is that it's all a balancing act, and that those situations are a judgement call, and not an easy one.
A listner has a responsibility to not listen to lashon ha-ra, in general, but that's not what you're asking. As far as I know, it's not really a sin to not talk about your problems, but talking about one's problems to one's friends is often a good thing to do, just from a mental health point of view -- that's one of the reasons to have friends.
So, in other words -- you've put your finger on several of the difficult questions in lashon ha-ra, and I don't have easy answers to any of them. There are books about lashon ha-ra which attempt to work out these questions, but I've not internalized them, so I can't really answer your questions.