Reviewing 2006 and resolutions for 2007

[xiphias]

2006 was an awful year for the world, and for many of my friends. Yet this wasn't a bad year for me personally.

As far as the world is concerned: we're still in Iraq, and causing great suffering there. And I personally feel deep, personal guilt about that. I'm an American, and I love my country. And I identify with my country -- being an American is part of my identity; it's part of who I am. And because of that, when my country acts shamefully and wrongly, I personally feel guilt and shame.

This year has given plenty of opportunity for that.

I also suspect that we slid past the point of no return on climate change.

And, in more local situations, our upstairs tenant, marquisedea's mother, died of the cancer that has been killing her for the past three years. marquisedea is still living upstairs, and is welcome to remain -- and, now that it's 2007, we need to work up a lease for her to sign. I'll deal with that after the weekend.

Lis's grandmother died over the summer. That's not tragic -- her grandmother had a long life, and had been in great pain for many years -- but it is still quite sad.

My grandmother's Alzheimer's's is getting worse. My other grandmother had a triple-bypass (although, frankly, she's doing amazingly well -- she didn't have everyone over to her house for Christmas this year, because she said she didn't have the energy to host it, but, frankly, I think she could have had she really wanted to. I think she was just using the open-heart surgery as an excuse.) One of my grandfathers caught a cold.

Um. That last thing doesn't sound that serious -- but it's the first time anyone can remember him EVER getting sick. He took a sick day and didn't come into work -- actually, he took TWO sick days. I guess there are a lot of folks in their mid-eighties who don't go to work every day, and so, I guess, looked at that way, the fact that he took two sick days off work doesn't look so bad -- but it's terrifying to me. As far as I know, my grandfathers are immortal towers of strength -- the idea of one of them getting sick is scary.

But . . . for me personally? I've been tending bar again. I'm teaching Hebrew school.

But most important for me: I've finally found an antidepressant that seems to work. And that is the biggest thing that you can possibly imagine.

I don't know if it's possible for someone who doesn't have clinical depression to understand it. From the outside, it must look like, I don't know, either "not much" or a moral failing of some sort, or weakness. Because that's what it looks like from inside, too. It feels like there's nothing wrong with you, so the reason that you can't do anything, move, get out of bed, go to work, and are generally miserable must be that you are a weak and morally bankrupt person. Because you're worthless.

I don't know if it's possible for someone who DOES have clinical depression to understand it. Because, from inside -- all of that looks REAL. It doesn't look like depression -- it looks like you're a worthless person who is weak, has no willpower, and is morally bankrupt.

I'm only beginning to understand it, because I'm starting to come out of it. I'm not there yet, but I have days, maybe even WEEKS, where I'm probably within "normal" range. And I even had three days where I really felt like what I really WANT to feel like.

It's not all the time that I'm out of depression. But I can see what it's like.

And it's amazing.

I had acid reflux since I was sixteen years old. Eventually, Lis told me that people don't drink a Costco bottle of Pepto-Bismol a week, and to see the doctor about it. And I got on Prilosec and the pain went away.

I wasn't aware that I WAS in pain, until the pain went away. I mean, I drank the Pepto-Bismol when I had spikes of heartburn -- but I had no idea that the baseline that I experienced was ALSO pain. Until it went away.

Depression is kind of like that, only much, much worse. You don't know that it's there, and that it's pervasive, and that it's in EVERYTHING YOU THINK AND PERCEIVE until it's gone. Mine isn't gone all the time, but it's gone enough that I can see what it looks like.

I started making a list of diseases I'd trade for, if I could. I WOULDN'T trade my depression for lupus -- I think dying by having one's internal organs slowly turned into scar tissue is probably worse than depression. And I wouldn't take Alzheimer's's.

But I'd take Parkinson's over depression. I'd take HIV over depression (although probably not AIDS). I'd take fibromyalgia over depression.

That is not, in any way, to diminish the severity of any of those things. Or to minimize how debilitating they are. But I feel that depression is as debilitating.

I wouldn't trade depression for a disease that attacked my mind. But depression also attacks the mind. And it attacks the soul.

Depression is the goddamned MEANEST disease, because it convinces you that it's not there, and that it's actually YOU that's doing this, and that all of its symptoms are actually symptoms of how YOU are a worthless person. Depression attacks the self.

And a drug has been found that is beginning to take this away from me.

Do you have any idea what that is like? It's . . .

I feel like myself. I'd like to say, "I feel like myself again" -- but I've been depressed my entire adult life. There's no "again" about it.

Which is weird: how do I know that I feel like "myself", when I've never felt this way before? I don't know -- but this feels like who I am. It feels like who I am is who I have always been trying to be, but have been quashed by the depression.

And I'm not there yet. But I'm closer.

And that's why, despite the death and pain that has surrounded me, this was nonetheless a good year for me.

So, what of next year? What are my goals, and what are my resolutions to work toward those goals?

Well, I need to help my physical health. One goal is that, this summer, the family is going to Italy.

Now, I hate to travel, largely because my body falls apart under the stresses of travel. So I have six months to figure out ways to mitigate that. Ways to turn my body healthier, so that it can stand travel, and I can enjoy Italy.

First Resolution: Exercise.

I have a gym membership -- I've not been to the gym in far too long. So I'll start with the number one single most common and popular resolution that everyone makes: I'm going to the gym three times a week.

I want to climb Brunelleschi's Dome in Italy -- that's something my father wants to do, and I think that would be fun to do, too. The staircase is forty stories high. So I've got six months to be in good enough shape to walk up forty flights of stairs. Not necessarily run that far, but be able to walk that far without killing myself or wiping myself out for the rest of the day, or ending up laid up in bed the next day.

And if I've got that level of fitness, that should be enough for most of the rest of what I want to do with myself. That's my benchmark.

Second Resolution: Moisturize.

No, seriously. Look -- one of the main things that happens when I travel is that my skin goes all icky -- rashes, hives, bleeding sores, all sorts of stuff. My skin doesn't deal with change well.

So what can I do now to help this get better? I can try to take care of my skin to get it to be healthier and better able to deal with stress.

I don't go outside enough to make sun damage a serious factor, and I always wear a hat, anyway. But dryness could be a problem. So taking care of my skin may be an important part of health for me.

Third Resolution: Eat Less Junk And More Food.

Does this need explanation? Not really -- except that I like food -- and I don't like crappy food as much as I like good food. So why do I eat more crappy food than good food?

Well, depression is one major reason. When I'm depressed, I crave simple starches, and junk food. It gives a mild mood lift. It doesn't help long-term, and, in fact, tends to crash me out later, but it's a nearly irresistible food craving.

And another major reason is depression. Um. Also. Because I don't have the ENERGY to make, find, or even ENJOY good food. I mean, actually savoring food takes energy, and, if I'm depressed, I can't even do that. I don't have the energy to taste things.

Those are my physical health goals, and resolutions to deal with them.

Second Goal:

Kick the Ass of my Depression

Now that I can see what depression does to me, I'm genuinely pissed off at it. I want to defeat this goddamned disease. And I think I've got a chance to do so.

Resolution: Continue to Take and Monitor the Drugs I've Got That Are Working.

If I feel myself slipping back into depression, let my doctor know, and talk about something to do: add another antidepressant, up the dosage, add in some other form of therapy. SOMETHING.

Resolution: See First Resolution On Last Topic

Yeah. Exercise helps this, too. Of course, when you're depressed, you CAN'T exercise -- but I'm not, anymore. I've still got the HABITS of being depressed, and I need to kick those habits. Getting to the gym is part of that.

Resolution: Blog About What It's Like Inside My Head

Hey, I do try to write this LJ in an entertaining style so that people will want to read it -- but I write this for my benefit, not for yours. Blogging about what I'm experiencing gives me a record of how things are going, which helps us understand it.

Third Goal: Awesome Bartending

My long-term goal -- not this year, but eventually -- is to own my own bar. I don't expect it to make me wealthy, but, look -- my goal in life is to be Michael Callahan. That's why I tend bar.

The skills of a bartender are not the skills of a bar manager or bar owner. I need all three sets of skills.

Resolution: Continue to Work on Bartending Professionally

I'm doing function bartending. It brings in money, keeps me sharp, builds up my resume, and gets me out into the community.

But it's not what I really WANT to be doing. I enjoy it -- I enjoy it a lot. But I'd rather be working in an establishment -- bar, restaurant, club. That doesn't mean I can't do both -- if I get three, four shifts at an establishment, I can still do a few shifts gigging.

Working in an establishment is the next step I have to work on.

So: check CraigsList every Monday to see what listings there are. Keep my resume updated, and send it out to appropriate jobs.

Take appropriate classwork. This month, I'm going to be taking a class to get a certificate in wine knowledge, which is the area of beverage service I feel my skills are weakest.

Look at the Johnson and Wales culinary school in Rhode Island, specifically at their beverage management program. My stepwise goal includes being a beverage manager, to get that skill set, which I'm going to need to own my own place.

Fourth Goal: Judaic Stuff

I love teaching Hebrew School. And there are things I should do for that, and for my Yiddishkeit in general.

Resolution: Learn better classroom management skills. Yeah. I suck at discipline. I wish to suck less at this.

Resolution: Read Hebrew Better. This is one of those things that just happens over time if you work at it. I could take classes -- or I could just read my siddur more often. Heck, if I could actually read Birkat ha-Mazon fluently, that would help.

Resolution: Argue with Smart People About Jewish Stuff. And Listen To Them. This, of course, includes "realizing when they're right and I'm wrong," which is why this is a "learning" thing.

Goal: Be A Useful And Content Person

Resolution: Don't take any of these resolutions too seriously. I'll do them, or I won't. They're steps, ideas -- not things to beat myself up with.

Resolution: Think about philosophy, and honor. And live by it. Remember: ethics and honor make your life easier. Because they tell you what to do. So you stress less about it. Honor and ethics make you happy. Because they give you structure. And a certain amount of structure, especially self-build structure, is usually a good thing to help you be happy.

Resolution: Be a good friend.

Resolution: Be a good friend to myself.

Comments

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

In all honesty, I'm amazed that Lis hasn't. I can imagine nothing more frustrating and impossible than marriage to a depressive.