I think the big difference is the kids. Because once one has kids with another person, the stakes are much higher, and if that person is being irresponsible** it's hard for outsiders to not say, "You should leave hir." This even though single parenting is *damn hard*, because a person whose partner who contributes little but harm and heartbreak is probably better off without them.
Actually, once people have kids, unless one parent is actively harming the other, or the children, I tend to keep my mouth shut. But if someone is contemplating having a child with someone who does not seem like good parent material, if I have the opportunity, I'll say something. E.g. don't have a kid with someone who has unmet child support obligations for previous kids; that's just asking for trouble! It usually doesn't go over very well.
The core value at the center of this is that *children do not choose their parents; parents choose them*. And this is a crucial choice.
At the same time, if a person has kids with someone, they should realize that they are essentially partnered for as long as the kids are minors, whether they "Stay together" as a couple or not. One will have to deal with the hated evil ex around child support and visitation issues, even if the evil ex has gone AWOL.
**Irresponsible can be defined in many ways. I try very hard to avoid making judgments by gender, but it's not easy. The man does not *have* to be the breadwinner in a family -- if he's taking on major childcare and household responsibilities, and his partner is earning enough to support them all. And vice versa for a woman. (And of course I am assuming heterosexual pairings here, bleah.)
As far as the gender difference, I do think women are more likely to share their problems. I rarely hear of a man's problems with his partner until the relationship is unsalvageable. Sometimes a woman is just blowing off steam about little things, and other times she's not.
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Date: 2006-10-22 04:56 am (UTC)Actually, once people have kids, unless one parent is actively harming the other, or the children, I tend to keep my mouth shut. But if someone is contemplating having a child with someone who does not seem like good parent material, if I have the opportunity, I'll say something. E.g. don't have a kid with someone who has unmet child support obligations for previous kids; that's just asking for trouble! It usually doesn't go over very well.
The core value at the center of this is that *children do not choose their parents; parents choose them*. And this is a crucial choice.
At the same time, if a person has kids with someone, they should realize that they are essentially partnered for as long as the kids are minors, whether they "Stay together" as a couple or not. One will have to deal with the hated evil ex around child support and visitation issues, even if the evil ex has gone AWOL.
**Irresponsible can be defined in many ways. I try very hard to avoid making judgments by gender, but it's not easy. The man does not *have* to be the breadwinner in a family -- if he's taking on major childcare and household responsibilities, and his partner is earning enough to support them all. And vice versa for a woman. (And of course I am assuming heterosexual pairings here, bleah.)
As far as the gender difference, I do think women are more likely to share their problems. I rarely hear of a man's problems with his partner until the relationship is unsalvageable. Sometimes a woman is just blowing off steam about little things, and other times she's not.