Tending bar on Saturday night

[xiphias]

Friday, I tended bar for an event at MIT; tending bar at the Sloan Center is always weird, because they've got the weirdest system of inventory management and alcohol setup: bartender's choice. Every other place I've ever worked, the event planner and the event holder jointly choose what will be served at the bar; at MIT Sloan Center, if there's a full bar, the rule is just "Go into the liquor closet and grab what you think people will want, and keep track of it." I guess it's pretty fun, but it's weird. Oh, and they lack some things that I consider basics, like Jack Daniels. They won't buy the stuff -- their bourbon is Wild Turkey. No idea why.

Anyway, on to Saturday night. It was a bat mitzvah, but not through Bruce. I like to think that, had Bruce been in charge, it wouldn't have been like that.

Here's a copy of the email I sent to the Temple:

I was one of the people working at [REDACTED]'s bat mitzvah celebration this past Saturday.

It was an example of the kinds of excesses that I had heard about in the past, but had never seen at any bar or bat mitzvah celebration.

Booze luges are inappropriate at a bat mitzvah celebration, and, indeed, at a Temple except possibly during Purim.

And go-go dancers are significantly beyond the pale.

Several of us who were working the event were shocked and dismayed at the event. While the dancers were perfectly nice people, this was not an event at which they should have been working.

If the [REDACTED] family did not have a basic comprehension of what constitutes appropriate behavior, as, evidently, they did not, I believe that the rest of the community should have taken action and not allowed such a shonda. Several of the people working were Jewish, and, although they did not make us ashamed to be Jewish, the [REDACTED]s certainly made us ashamed that they
were Jewish. We found ourselves having to explain repeatedly to our co-workers that they were not typical examples of Judaism.

While a celebration of a bat mitzvah should be a simcha, this party was something else entirely.

Such an event reflects badly not only on their family, not only on your community as a whole, but would have reflected badly on the entire am Yisrael, had those of us who are Jewish not explained how abberant the [REDACTED]s' actions were.

If anyone at the Temple, including the [REDACTED]s, would like to contact me to communicate further about this, this email address is usually the best way, but I am also available by telephone at [REDACTED].

Thank you for your time;

- Ian Osmond

There were other examples of excess, as well, of course, but those weren't worth getting into in an email. And, really, the the bat mitzvah's best friends reading a three-page poem they'd written about how much of a slut she was, that wasn't really the family's fault.

Comments

[jehanna.livejournal.com]

...

Okay, you managed to find an event that is EVEN MORE TASTELESS (although only just) than the kind of wretched bar/bat mitzvahs my relatives used to throw.

I am suitably stunned.

[quietann.livejournal.com]

per the bat mitzvah.... ouch. Just ouch.

It reminds me of watching a Comedy Central special recently, a "roast" of William Shatner. I consider myself to be pretty open-minded, but I don't watch TV at all, and I was utterly floored by how distasteful it was. My internal reaction throughout was "This is supposed to be funny?" while my external reaction was to just laugh along. Ugh.

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

...their bourbon is Wild Turkey. No idea why.

Um...Wild Turkey bourbon tastes a hell of a lot better than sour mash whisky? Course, just about any bourbon tastes better than a Tennesee whisky.

For ultimate joy, Black Bush. Aargle...drool... Only way to make it better is to drop a shot in a pint of Guinness. So good!

[delerium69.livejournal.com]

*blink* Say what? This was a bat mitzvah? For a 13-year-old? She has actual parents?

Why does it sound like a really bad experience on "Sex and the City?" (Wait, I think it was)

Gross.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Well, she has actual genetic-material donors with whom she lives, and they apparently feel affection for one another. I just don't personally think they do that much parenting.

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

Why not? If they're teaching her their values, that's a critical aspect of parenting. (Arguably, the most important aspect.) My mother tried hard to teach me her values, with only partial success. It didn't take. I mean, I disagree with at least 70% of what my mother values, and believe about a quarter of it to be actively evil. But she tried really hard to raise me with those values, both in the sense of making me grow up surrounded by them, and in the sense of wanting me to grow up having them. The bar mitzvah circuit was a significant part of that.

Where I come from, bnai mitzvah parties are *supposed* to be a chance to show off wealth and status, and formalized sexual display. I've always been uncomfortable with that sort of thing, and I was even less comfortable with it when I was younger. Thus my reputation for being anti-social.

[redbird]

I am now glad that (a) my brother's bar mitzvah wasn't like that, though there probably was an aspect of my parents showing off to some of their friends that yes, they could afford to throw a nice catered party; (b) I didn't have a bat mitzvah; and (c) you're safely away from where you grew up. (Okay, I have selfish reasons for that last.)

[delerium69.livejournal.com]

Ouch!

I'm still trying to picture go-go dancers at a synagogue.

*squints* *furries brow*

Nope. Can't do it.

Now wearing my go-go boots to a synaogue...just kidding.

[querldox.livejournal.com]

I'll bite; did the 13 year old partake in the booze luges? Was she (or perhaps her male friends) attracted to the go-go dancers (hmm, you didn't specify the dancers' gender(s) did you)?

I guess I'm just missing how the heck this was a party for a 13 year old as opposed to the parents reliving their college frat/sorority days. Admittedly I'm not jewish, but the parents tossing a party more for themselves than for their daughter, the supposed honoree, strikes me as more offensive to me than having such at a religious-based event.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Of course the kids didn't do the booze luges.

Yes, of course this event was for the parents, and not the kids.

And, yes, of course that is among the reasons this was offensive.

[dancing-kiralee.livejournal.com]

If it's one of the reasons you were offended, why didn't you say so in the letter?

Kiralee

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Why would I?

[(Anonymous)]

I guess we live in different worlds.

To me, what you presented in the letter and what you presented above are inconsistent. They can't both be true, so one or the other must be a misrepresentation.

To explain that statement a bit more... either what you presented above is an important reason why you are offended or it isn't. If it is, then it should have been presented in the letter. If it is not, then your presentation above is inaccurate.

Since I know that you aren't dishonest, clearly you use a different standard of measurement for honesty. I'm trying to understand the system you're using, so I ask about it.

Kiralee

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I gave the relevant reasons. I didn't give the irrelevant reasons. I don't need to exhaustively give every reason I have for anything -- just the reasons that are relevant to the person to whom I'm talking.

[dancing-kiralee.livejournal.com]

Umm...

I don't know if I should say this... but...

I'm not sure that exactly helps; we still seem to be in different worlds.

Something is relevant if it is important to the writer, or the writer can reasonably assume that it's important to the audience. Everything that's relevant should be communicated, unless there is a specific reason not to.

If I'm the intended audience, and it's my role to address all of the writer's concerns, I need a complete list of those concerns. It doesn't need to be exhaustive, but if something is important to the writer, it should be on the list so I can address it.

So, either the reason presented above is important to you, in which case it's relevant and should be in your letter, or it isn't, in which case what you wrote above is inaccurate (because you presented it as an important reason).

Since I know that you're careful and skillful about these sorts of things, I must be missing something. I'm just not sure what it is I'm missing.

Kiralee

[dancing-kiralee.livejournal.com]

Just to make things clear, the previous post ("I guess we live in different worlds.") was mine. I posted anonymously by accident.

Kiralee

[ron_newman]

This was at our shul, in Somerville? It seems so out of character.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Nope; Temple Beth Avodah in Brookline.

[rebmommy.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you wrote to the synagogue about your concerns, but please take the name of the place off your post - lashon hara, and all that. Also - perhaps you could direct people to the reply from the executive director in your post on Sept 13 - or maybe I just did that.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

What's a booze luge? (Whatever it is, it sounds out of place.)

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

You get a big block of ice, or, in this case, an ice sculpture. You drill a hole in it -- the really good people can somehow drill twisty tubes through it. You pour liquor in the top, and it goes through the tube in the ice and comes out ice cold.

This one, at least, had a little hose with a tap on the other end of the tube -- it's more common that you just put your mouth on the end of the hole.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

This one looked vaguely like this:


A little different: it was more of a column than a martini glass, but same concept.

[ailsaek.livejournal.com]

I've never seen or heard of one of these before, so I am lacking the social context for it. I'm imagining people lining up politely in suits for their turn to get themselves a drink, and then going off to talk in small groups. I gather that was not how it went at this ... happening.

That's definitely got to be one of the tackiest parties I've ever heard of.

[cellio]

Ewww....

[mattblum.livejournal.com]

That is truly appalling.

Incidentally, did you change the girl's name and her family's name before you posted it? If you did, you should indicate such. If you didn't, I suggest you do so immediately. Regardless of whether you think she or her family deserve to have such details presented online, I doubt you want your potential future customers to know that you are likely to post details of functions you tend bar at without removing identifying details.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

Good point.

[rosefox]

Go-go dancers?!

I'm glad you wrote that letter. What a mess! (And the poem... just goes to show she's learned a lot from her parents about how to choose and entertain friends, I guess.)

[angelovernh.livejournal.com]

That is shocking.. a 13 yr old religious party with go-go dancers and booze luges sounds really just wrong.. Glad you followed through w/ letter.

[yehoshua.livejournal.com]

In defense of the shul: a lot of communities rent out their synagogues for the extra income, and as long as the basic rules are complied with (e.g. using caterers from the shul's approved list), they don't usually try to exercise much control before the fact. This has actually been a huge problem for Beth Bingo over the years, as the religious committee has tried to steer away from renting out the building on Shabbat for simchas they fear will be, at best, in poor taste. The shul board, OTOH, has the books in front of them, and knows they need the income to keep the lights on and the secretary from quitting, so they feel like they have no choice. And if a family wants to show that they completely lack derekh eretz, well, that's their business (in the eyes of the board).

It's not a great situation, but it's one in which a lot of shuls with aging/shrinking populations find themselves.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I understand that, but I feel that I have a responsibility to let them know that, if they DO make that choice, it's got consequences -- people WILL notice.