(no subject)

[xiphias]

If you could get one "do-over"— that is, if you could go back in time and change one decision or action you've ever made, what would it be? What do you think would be different now, in your psyche or circumstances?

I wouldn't.

I mean, I thought about this for a while. I thought, "I should have joined the wrestling team in high school," as one possiblity, but then I remembered that there WASN'T a wrestling team in high school -- I looked into it, because I thought it would be fun.

Maybe I could have joined the track team, but I hate running, and my knees have ALWAYS been bad. So, while there's some part of me that understands that I should have had exercise be a bigger part of my life, I know that there's no ONE decision I could have made that would have done it.

Maybe I could have gone out for the Gilbert and Sulivan club FRESHMAN year, instead of just SENIOR year, and gotten more acting and singing experience. But that would have meant missing out on years of hanging out doing nothing after school in front of the watertower with Charles Sheehan and vonbeck -- and I wouldn't have wanted to miss that. Maybe I could have actually done, y'know, HOMEWORK sometimes -- but that's not ONE decision -- and, anyway, I always DECIDED to do homework -- it's just DOING it that I had a problem with.

I've never had a problem knowing what the right, or the best, thing to do was: what I've had a problem with was DOING it.

That's because I've been seriously capital-D-Depressed most of my life.

So maybe I should have gone on Wellbutrin earlier, like when I was twelve, or so -- but Wellbutrin wasn't invented then, or, at least, it wasn't known to be safe, and it wasn't really common, and the antidepressants that were around had unknown or nasty side effects when given to children. I was seeing doctors and counselors and psychiatrists for depression since I was twelve. Nothing really helped, because the science wasn't there -- but we were at least trying as best as we knew how.

I've screwed up a lot of things in my life. But, as far as things that really matter go, I've done about as well as could be done.

Comments

The other Great Depression.

[greenlily.livejournal.com]

We're kind of the overlap, depression-wise; when we were kids, anti-depressants were common and safe for adults but generally not for us. It's a perspective we can't share with our parents, and (hopefully) won't share with our kids--just each other--and, when future generations study us, I think it's going to be one of the things that characterizes our generation. I could wish for a better historical identifier. *hug*

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

I mostly feel the same way.

There's a long dark period of my life that I would rather not have had to live through, though in truth my having to live through it was due to my own poor decisions in many cases. But those experiences shaped me into the person I am today, and led me to the place I am today, and I wouldn't trade who I am and where I am today for a chance to go back and be a different person.

[burgundy.livejournal.com]

It's a tough one for me too - there are things I could have decided differently that would have radically changed my life, and I'm not unhappy with the way my life is now. But... it's always possible that I'd be even more happy if I'd gone the different route. And it's possible that I'd have crashed and burned. My big one - deciding to leave town for college and go to a challenging school - would have been significant because it would mean that once in my life I didn't take the safe option. And I wish I could say that I've done that at least once. But oh well. For years I was bitterly angry at myself for my college decision, and I've finally been able to let go of that, so I'm not going to risk a relapse by getting into a "what if."

I would

[shmuelisms.livejournal.com]

have taken that year of Higher Yeshiva learning (that I was accepted to) before going into the Army. I chickened-out because the elite Computer Corps program I was going into, pressured me, by saying they couldn't guarantee they'd take me a year later (a patent lie, as it's hard enough getting in, that they take anyone who passes). In the end, it took me one HELL of an extra year to get into the program in any case, because of a bureaucratic mess! So I could have been in Yeshiva studying and with my good friend Yossi Tuito, who is longer with us. I would have likely had to go through hell in any case, but I would have been so much more ready for it :-(

Silly me, how a little lack of faith at a critical point, can really mess-up your life.