(no subject)

[xiphias]

Interestingly, a day that sucks when I am not depressed is a lot better than a day that goes beautifully when I am. I honestly don't think that external events have much of an effect on my emotions, except in the most extreme cases.

Today, I missed my train to work, so I needed to take a taxi, which cost just right around how much money I'd make by working the shift to which I took the taxi. I hate losing money by going to work. The event in question was rather dull; it was a limited bar, just soda, juice, beer, and wine, no liquor, so no mixing of drinks. I had to rush to get things done and people were worried I wouldn't get up to my bar in time; when I finally got up there, and took my time leisurely setting up my bar and getting it just perfect the way I like it and making it look nice and all, after I finished all that, I had to wait 20 minutes before the lecture which this was the reception finished up.

Then, when I was putting away the stuff I didn't use, I dropped a bottle of Budweiser on the brick floor of the cooler, and it smashed. After that, when I was putting away the stirrers and stuff, the glass which they were displayed in on my bar shattered as I put it down.

All that stuff sucks, right? And as it was happening, I was noticing that it sucked, and noticing how much the fact that it sucked just didn't particularly bother me.

And, yeah, I needed to take the taxi in, and I got into work right on time. And I did manage to grab some dinner before my shift, even if that meant I was five minutes behind schedule, and they had lasagnia and macaroni and cheese, both of which they actually do pretty well -- even if I didn't have time to eat much, I did get a taste of each. And, sure, I was cooling my heels for twenty minutes with nothing to do, but Kevin the Assistant Beverage Manager (as opposed to Big Kevin the Floor Captain or Kevin the Bartender) dropped by to check on me, and we ended up talking about pulp novels for ten or fifteen minutes -- he's actually never read Tarzan, even though he's read most of the Peludicar books and most of the John Carter of Mars books.

After I dropped the bottle, John saw me walking back into the back with the mop and the duspan and broom, and asked (a little worried -- I'd been carrying some $28 bottles of wine) "What'dya break?" I said, "A Budweiser."

He said, "Well, you know, those are sixty-seven cents each! PLUS the five cent deposit! That's seventy two cents, right there!" I said, "Yeah, I know, it's gotta come out of my paycheck," and he laughed.

And the glass that broke as I was putting it down -- that was just plain funny at that point. I just threw it out -- didn't even try to salvage the stirrers -- I have this thing about broken glass and things that are used for food prep. . .

Comments

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Interestingly, a day that sucks when I am not depressed is a lot better than a day that goes beautifully when I am. I honestly don't think that external events have much of an effect on my emotions, except in the most extreme cases.

This is one of the really critical things that it took me a while to understand about being a partner of a chronically depressed person. When he's in a downward spiral, nothing feels right, but when he's feeling mentally/emotionally stable and good, he copes better than I do with external annoyances.

It was important for me to learn that, because it freed me of the need to try to do something when he's depressed; I came to understand there's really nothing I can do to make it all better. I can be there for him, and love him, but I can't fix him.

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

This is something that I'm just starting to figure out about my own process. And probably a bit of information that'll be useful to share with other people. Like my parents, who get terribly frustrated at me when I'm down, because they want to *fix* it, and they keep offering suggestions, and I find fault in all of the suggestions, because really I just want to go back to bed.

[noveldevice.livejournal.com]

This had a very powerful effect on me as I read it.

My s/o, who was never the depressive type, had some health problems two years and change ago, and has suffered from some depression since (this is normal, btw). I have a really, really hard time sometimes not making doomed attempts to "fix" things, or "make" him feel better. Even though I know that what's wrong is wrong with his body and brain, and that he will feel better. I hope that I can get to a point where I can keep from feeling angry and upset at myself for somehow not being able to fix everything.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Interestingly, a day that sucks when I am not depressed is a lot better than a day that goes beautifully when I am. I honestly don't think that external events have much of an effect on my emotions, except in the most extreme cases.

I've been noticing, lately, how much this bears true for me. My brain feels kind of /lighter/ at the moment, when my chemicals are not sending me these hazy nightmare scenarios.