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Sep. 25th, 2002 07:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasSo, I'm about to talk about something that's really been bugging me, that's being done by lots of my friends, many of whom will read this. And so I'm afraid I'm going to be offensive. So I ask for your forgiveness in advance; please understand that I am being irrational. I have no reason to be bothered by this; it's not even my place to have an opinion about it, and I have no right to find this bothersome.
Okay, first, I want to see if I can use a cut-tag here. . .
I can't think of a wedding I've been to, except my own, in which the woman didn't take the man's last name. And it's driving me nuts. I just can't stand it.
See, here's the thing: just about every bride I know considered whether she would take her husband's last name. And then decided to do so. And it really, really bothers me. It just seems creepy and strange.
In some ways, my friends who just knew from the time they were young girls that they would take their husbands' names, that's easier for me to understand. It was just not even something they considered. They knew what they were going to do. It wasn't a question.
And that bugs me, but not as much as the pattern in which people who I've always know to be feminists and strong willed and having their own personalities and lives and everything give up their names.
See, here's the thing. In almost every case, women say they're making this decision for specific reasons which are personal to them, and that their choice to take their husbands' names does not form a general rule; they're a special case. Maybe they've just always hated their name. Maybe their husband is the only [Insert String Here] of his generation and there are about four hundred of [Wife's Last Name] of her generation. Maybe the wife has a really weird name and is just as happy giving up having to explain to everyone how to spell it. . .
I mean, the main reasons given boil down to, "My name is rarer than my husband's, therefore I'll change my name to make it easier for everyone," and "My name is more common than my husband's, therefore I'll change my name because we need to preserve his."
I don't get it.
And the other half of it is that I can't understand why the husbands stand for it. Or how. If Lis had wanted to change her name to mine, that might have been a deal-breaker for the wedding. It seems downright ghoulish to have someone take your name upon marriage; it's just creepy. I mean, I fell in love with Lis as Lis Riba; a person who came from a family, with a culture and relatives and all that were all part of the package of who Lis Riba is -- when I married Lis, I joined not only with her but with all the Ribas. And if she had changed her name, that would have been a rejection of that fact. That would just have squicked me terribly.
So, for Ghu's sake, WHY THE HELL ARE ALL YOU FOLKS DOING THIS? I mean, every individual case makes sense -- you all have reasons in your particular cases. And, some of them are really good reasons: those of my friends who have absolutely no contact with their birth families, and feel very close to the families they are marrying into -- it makes sense for them to take on the other last name. But it never goes the other way -- husbands with no contact with their birth families who are close to the family into which they are marrying don't ever change their names in my experience.
I'm not being rational, because this isn't a rational response. This is a squick response. And I need to understand this, and get over this, because I just found out that the friends who asked me to officiate at their wedding next year, will be doing this. And I need to get over my squick response here, or I will have great trouble officiating, and I really want to officiate for them.
Can y'all help? Can you explain why this is done? I'm just feeling like such a freak now, because, to me, it's just so squicksome. And apparently, women don't find it a burden, and men like it. I can't understand that, and I need to.
Okay, first, I want to see if I can use a cut-tag here. . .
I can't think of a wedding I've been to, except my own, in which the woman didn't take the man's last name. And it's driving me nuts. I just can't stand it.
See, here's the thing: just about every bride I know considered whether she would take her husband's last name. And then decided to do so. And it really, really bothers me. It just seems creepy and strange.
In some ways, my friends who just knew from the time they were young girls that they would take their husbands' names, that's easier for me to understand. It was just not even something they considered. They knew what they were going to do. It wasn't a question.
And that bugs me, but not as much as the pattern in which people who I've always know to be feminists and strong willed and having their own personalities and lives and everything give up their names.
See, here's the thing. In almost every case, women say they're making this decision for specific reasons which are personal to them, and that their choice to take their husbands' names does not form a general rule; they're a special case. Maybe they've just always hated their name. Maybe their husband is the only [Insert String Here] of his generation and there are about four hundred of [Wife's Last Name] of her generation. Maybe the wife has a really weird name and is just as happy giving up having to explain to everyone how to spell it. . .
I mean, the main reasons given boil down to, "My name is rarer than my husband's, therefore I'll change my name to make it easier for everyone," and "My name is more common than my husband's, therefore I'll change my name because we need to preserve his."
I don't get it.
And the other half of it is that I can't understand why the husbands stand for it. Or how. If Lis had wanted to change her name to mine, that might have been a deal-breaker for the wedding. It seems downright ghoulish to have someone take your name upon marriage; it's just creepy. I mean, I fell in love with Lis as Lis Riba; a person who came from a family, with a culture and relatives and all that were all part of the package of who Lis Riba is -- when I married Lis, I joined not only with her but with all the Ribas. And if she had changed her name, that would have been a rejection of that fact. That would just have squicked me terribly.
So, for Ghu's sake, WHY THE HELL ARE ALL YOU FOLKS DOING THIS? I mean, every individual case makes sense -- you all have reasons in your particular cases. And, some of them are really good reasons: those of my friends who have absolutely no contact with their birth families, and feel very close to the families they are marrying into -- it makes sense for them to take on the other last name. But it never goes the other way -- husbands with no contact with their birth families who are close to the family into which they are marrying don't ever change their names in my experience.
I'm not being rational, because this isn't a rational response. This is a squick response. And I need to understand this, and get over this, because I just found out that the friends who asked me to officiate at their wedding next year, will be doing this. And I need to get over my squick response here, or I will have great trouble officiating, and I really want to officiate for them.
Can y'all help? Can you explain why this is done? I'm just feeling like such a freak now, because, to me, it's just so squicksome. And apparently, women don't find it a burden, and men like it. I can't understand that, and I need to.