The 2008, Which is to say, the
5768, Purim Schpeil by the
Students of Temple B'Nai
Brith in Somerville,
Massachusetts

SCENE 1: THE MOVIE OFFER

ACHASH: Vashti, I want you to dance naked in the party scene of my latest movie.

VASHTI: Oh! Yes, yes! I accept, I accept!

AGENT: No, she won't be taking the offer.

VASHTI: What? Why?

AGENT: I'm sorry. My client does NOT do nude scenes.

VASHTI: Who made you boss?

AGENT: This contract, signed in accordance with Persian law with respect to ban on public nudity.

[VASHTI TOSSES HEAD. AGENT'S PHONE RINGS]

AGENT: Talk to me. Uh hunh. Un hunh. We'll take it. Vashti, let's go. We've got a better offer.

[AGENT AND VASHTI MARCH OFF; ADVISOR GOES BACK TO KING]

ACHASH: What? What?! I must find a new lead actress for my kingdom.

SCENE 2: PERSIAN IDOL

[Three chairs are set up; so Jules can go from chair to chair when being the different judges]

RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to Persian Idol, where the winner of tonight's final gets to go on to meet King Achashverosh himself, in order to become the next queen of Persia! Here's our first contestant, Senator Hillary Clinton!

SENTATOR CLINTON: Good evening, Ryan, Paula, Simon, Randy, and people of Persia. Tonight, I'd have a question for you, a question that you should be asking of anyone who wants to be Queen of Persia. This is the most important question, and qualification, for Queen in this difficult time. Hit it!

[ARE YOU EXPERIENCED by Jimi Hendrix plays:]

SENATOR CLINTON: Are you experienced? / Uh-have you ever been experienced-uh?

SIMON: Okay, okay, stop it. I've heard enough. I must say, I've rarely “experienced” anything as painful as that.

PAULA: Now, girlfriend, don't listen to him! I thought you really rocked! Girl power! Now, continue.

RANDY: Well, I liked your energy, you know? You had a message there, but I don't know if I really, y'know, FELT it.

RYAN: Okay! Now, our next contestant on Persian Idol, from Chicago, Illinois, Senator Barack Obama!

SENATOR OBAMA: In this time, I think that we have ONE question to ask ourselves about this country: is it time for change? CAN we change this country? YES, WE CAN! What do we want? We want CHANGE!

[CHANGES by David Bowie starts playing]

SENATOR OBAMA: Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes / (Turn and face the strain) / Ch-ch-Changes / Don't want to be a richer man / Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

MAX: Hold it, hold it – turn off that music; stop the play for a minute.

JAKE: What?

MAX: I just remembered: didn't we do this whole American Idol bit a few years back?

JULES: Oh, yeah, I think you're right. My mother played Paula, and Rafi played Simon.

ELLA: My mom played Randy.

CHARLIE: I wasn't here then.

JAKE: Yeah, but we already did it.

CHARLIE: Oh, well. It would be stupid to do it again, then.

JULES: By the way, Esther won the contest, and then Haman became the king's new advisor.

[JAKE, CHARLIE, JULES, and MAX gather up the chairs and CD player and walk off.]

SCENE 3: HAMAN AND THE JEWS

A JEW: Oh, Em, Gee. I can't believe that a Jew like me can be here standing in front of the brand new advisor to the king! Here, Haman! In celebration of your new job, here's an ice cream cone!

HAMAN: WHAT?! You DOOFUS! I'm lactose intolerant! I'll kill you! I'll kill ALL OF YOU!!

NARRATOR: Reaction to Haman's decree was swift, and passionate. People talked about it, people argued with their friends about the best way to deal with it. One young man even recorded a video, and put it up on JewTube.

CHRIS CROCKER: Leave the Jews alone! They're PEOPLE! How would you like it if people came to you and said that they would kill all of you? LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!!! [*SOB*] You JERKS! If you want to get the Jews, you'll have to deal with ME! LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!!! [*SOB*]

SCENE 4: ESTHER'S ONLY SCENE IN THE WHOLE PLAY

ESTHER: What's wrong, cousin Mordechai?

MORDECHAI: This is horrible. Haman is going to have us all killed. I am so angry. Aaargh. I am also so very sad. Boo hoo. How horrible this is. I can not express how very upset I am now. Esther, What ever could we do to save our community.

ESTHER: Oh, my G-d. That is SO sad. I have just got to do something about it.

MORDECHAI: I am very proud of you, Esther. I am overflowing with joy and pride at your bravery. But what ever could you do to save us. How could you possibly help overturn that decree. Is there something you can do.

ESTHER: I think that it's time that I exposed myself to the king.

MORDECHAI: Um. What exactly are you suggesting.

ESTHER: You know, exposed myself as a Jew.

MORDECHAI: Oh, phew. I am so relieved. I thought you meant something else.

SCENE 5: WRAPPING EVERYTHING UP

Mordecai: Okay, so time has passed. Esther's plan worked, and Haman is dead.

HAMAN: Wait! I didn't get a death scene!

MORDECHAI: Oh. Um. Okay.

ANNESSIA: [COMES IN FROM OFFSTAGE] No. No. We didn't even WRITE you a death scene!

HAMAN: That's okay. I'll just use one from a different play.

CHRIS CROCKER: [runs in – stabs Haman] LEAVE THE JEWS ALONE!

HAMAN: I am hurt. Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch: marry – 'tis enough. Where is my page? Go villain, fetch a surgeon.

ANNESSIA: WHAT-ever. [WALKS OFF]

HAMAN: Oh, the wound: 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough, 'twill serve: ask for me tomorrow, and you will find me a grave man. A plague on both your houses! They have made worm's meat out of me: I have it, and soundly, too – BOTH your houses!

[HAMAN dies]

MORDECHAI: Oh, good. Haman is now dead, and. . .

KAHLILA: I don't have ANY lines. I should get a death scene, too.

ANNESSIA: Fine. Whatever.

CHRIS CROCKER: [RUNS IN] LEAVE THE ROMANS ALONE!!! [STABS ELLA]

JULIUS CAESAR: Et tu, Brute? Then fall Caesar! [JULIUS CAESAR DIES]

ANNESSIA: Okay. Can we get on with the shpeil, finally?

THE SMALLER MAX: I only got to be the narrator. So I want a death scene, too.

ANNESSIA: [SIGHS] Make it quick.

SMALLER MAX: [RUNS AROUND IN A CIRCLE] AAARRGH! [FALLS OVER]

ANNESSIA: NOW can we FINALLY get on with it? Go for it, Mordy.

MORDECHAI: Esther's plan has worked. Haman is dead. So are Julius Caesar, and the narrator, but the one that makes me happy is Haman's death. I am overjoyed and jubilant about this. Hooray. But the king's decree is still in place. I am very upset and worried about that. Is there anybody around who can come up with ideas of how we can clean up this mess that the previous administration left us with?

CLINTON and OBAMA enter.

PERSON IN AUDIENCE: Senator Clinton, what can you do to help the Jews?

SENATOR CLINTON: Well, I've come up with a defense plan. Under my defense plan, Jews could defend themselves.

[EVERYONE kind of shrugs and looks at each other, like, it's an OKAY idea, but they're not really impressed.]

AUDIENCE: Hmm. I don't know. MAYBE it would work. How about you, Senator Obama? Do you have a defense plan?

SENATOR OBAMA: I believe that, we could create a defense plan, in which the Jews could defend themselves. We can create a world, in which every Jew, whether they live in Hodu or in Kush, no matter where, no matter who -- can defend their own communities – YES, WE CAN!

AUDIENCE: [CHEERS, GOES WILD – someone faints]

PERSON IN AUDIENCE: He's so dreamy!!

SENATOR CLINTON: Wait – isn't that's exactly what I just said

AUDIENCE: One final question: what do you think about the previous administration's plan to invade Iran?

SENATOR CLINTON: We're in Persia. Persia IS Iran. How can we invade Iran if we ARE Iran?

AUDIENCE: Senator Obama?

SENATOR OBAMA: We must remember, in this historic time, we must never forget, that Iran IS Persia. Persia, is our HOME. Our HOMELAND. How can we invade our homeland? We must PROTECT our homeland, so we may not INVADE ourselves. CAN WE INVADE OURSELVES?? YES, WE CAN! No, wait, I mean, NO WE CAN'T!!

SENATOR CLINTON: Whatever. I'm going home.