My latest Purim Shpeil
Feb. 16th, 2007 03:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasOkay, I was supposed to have done this earlier this week, but I finally finished it. If anyone wants to read it and critique it, I'd appreciate it. Please make any suggestions you have.
Purim Schpeil
Characters:
Achashverosh: Short, obsessed with video games
Vashti: Tall, feminist
Esther: Tall, valley girl
Mordechai: Short, nerd, uses sespiquedailians
Haman: Rapper?
Guards: either very tall or very short
Advisors
Bigthan and Teresh: Ben and Evan
Haggai, Head Eunuch: Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Prompt Board Guy:
CHAPTER ONE:
NARRATOR
Okay, this is the part where Achashverosh is throwing a big drunken party.
ACHASHVEROSH [playing a video game]
Did you see that? 72-hit combo! Yeah!
ADVISOR 1:
Watching the King play Street Fighter is boring.
ADVISOR 2:
Yeah. You know what would make this party better?
ADVISOR 1:
What?
ADVISOR 2:
Naked women.
ADVISOR 3:
Hey, King – go tell the Queen to come to this party and bring that pole-dancing kit that we bought for her.
ACHASHVEROSH
Yeah, yeah, whatever – WOW! Did you see that finishing move?
ADVISOR 3:
Hey, guards – go get Queen Vashti.
GUARD 1
Oh, boy – the Queen's not gonna like this. . .
[GUARDS go off and immediately drag Vashti in]
VASHTI
No! I won't do it! It's objectification of women! I won't participate in the patriarchal commodification of our bodies! It's not right!
ADVISOR 1:
Um. This was a bad idea, wasn't it?
VASHTI
You're darn right it's a bad idea! The subjugation of women is ALWAYS a bad idea!
ADVISOR 2:
Guards, I think you better go put Queen Vashti back where you found her. . .
VASHTI [as the guards are dragging her off]
You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Do you realize that in 423 BCE, women weren't allowed to vote? And in 692 BCE, women weren't allowed to sleep! And in 829 BCE, women weren't allowed to eat! And in 1053 BCE, women weren't allowed to breathe! And . . .
ADVISOR 3
Wow. If the king finds out we did that, he'll be mad. . .
KING
Yeah! Excellent hit!
ADVISOR 2
I don't think he's noticed yet. . .
ADVISOR 1
Hey, King – I think you should go issue a proclamation saying that Vashti is banished from the kingdom.
ADVISOR 2
Yeah. And that men get to boss women around.
KING
Sure, yeah, whatever – darn! I just lost a life.
NARRATOR
And so that's what they did. But one day, the King upgraded to an Xbox 360. And while his servant was waiting in line at midnight, the King noticed something.
KING [looking around]
Hey, don't I have a wife or something?
ADVISOR 1 [trying to look innocent]
No, no, I don't think so.
KING
I'm pretty sure I do. Her name is Varnish or something like that.
ADVISOR 2 [trying to look excited to distract the King]
Yes! A wife! What a good idea! You should definitely get one of those!
ADVISOR 3
They're totally “in” this season. Really.
ADVISOR 1
And you could hold a beauty contest! That would be a great idea! Why don't we go plan one right now while we're waiting for your new Xbox.
NARRATOR
Mordechai had a younger cousin who he raised. Her name was Haddassah, but she thought that name sounded way too Jewish, so she called herself Esther instead.
ESTHER
Yeah -- “Haddassah” is like TOTALLY lame-o. “Esther” is like, a TOTALLY better name.
MORDECHAI
Ah, Haddassah --
ESTHER
Esther. The name “Haddasah” blows.
MORDECHAI
Haddassah, the dear progeny of my frater – your pulchritude is renowned, so as our vapid monarch has issued a proclamation declaring his intention to hold a contention vis-a-vis the determination of the distaff possessed of the greatest degree of comeliness with the intention of taking her in matrimonial conjugation, I believe it is to your benefit, and to the benefit of our Hebraic community as a whole if you were to engage yourself in this contest in order to engage the King, if you'll pardon the perhaps over-clever construction there!
ESTHER
What?
MORDECHAI [patiently]
Our royal sovereign has proclaimed a contest of beauty in order to ascertain the identity of his future consort. I believe you should entertain the notion of entering this competition, with the intention of winning the royal position for the to secure the beneficence of the country upon our Jewish people.
ESTHER
Hunh?
MORDECHAI [exasperated]
The king is holding a beauty contest to chose a wife. You should enter and win. It would be good for the Jews.
ESTHER
Oh, like, darn. I like TOTALLY forgot my line.
SIGN GUY [runs in with a cue card that says “I DON'T GET IT” and points at it]
ESTHER
Um. . . . “I don't get it.”
MORDECHAI
Just follow me, okay?
NARRATOR
So she did. Each of the contestants was given a makeover by Carson Haggai, the Head Eunuch of the King's Harem.
HAGGAI
So, just LOOK at this new haircut! It TOTALLY frames your face! And the eyeshadow! It makes your eyes just POP!
ESTHER
Wow! Like, Haggai, you're like TOTALLY the best! I just totally LOVE you!
HAGGAI
Oh, you're such a dear! Air kiss! Don't smudge the makeup!
[They air kiss]
HAGGAI
Oh, and did you see those two new guards? Bigthan and Teresh! Aren't they DIVINE? I just LOVE the big burly kind of guard, don't you?
NARRATOR
Haggai wasn't the only one with an eye on those guards. And it's a good thing, too.
Oh, by the way – Esther won the contest and became queen. And also, in celebration, the king gave a tax rebate. No, I'm serious. It's in the megillah. Look it up.
BIGTAN
Hey, the king's lame.
TERESH
Yeah. And he never lets me have a turn on his new Wii.
BIGTHAN
We should kill him.
TERESH
And take his game system.
MORDECHAI
Hark! I detect a sinister intrigue with the intention of effecting a coup de'etet! I must give alarm to the watchmen of the palace to act as a check on this proceeding! Ipsoes custodes! You must take into custody those two villainous plotters! They are an imminent danger to the State!
GUARDS
What?
MORDECHAI
Those watchmen are fostering a stratagem to effect violence upon the person of the sovereign. You must prevent their intended effect.
GUARDS
Hunh?
MORDECHAI
Get those men.
The GUARDS, who are small, go up to BIGTAN and TERESH, who are big. BIGTAN and TERESH loom over the guards threateningly. The GUARDS, in sync, throw a punch, and BIGTAN and TERESH fall over.
ESTHER
Hey, like, King-husband-dude? You heard that my cousin went and saved your life? It's all written down in the Chronicles of the Kingdom
KING [playing a video game and not paying attention]
Yeah, right, cool, whatever.
NARRATOR
The King, as w have seen, had really good taste in advisors
ADVISOR 1
Are you being sarcastic?
NARRATOR
Yes. Anyway, five years after that all happened, he chose HAMAN to be his head advisor. Anyway, since Mordechai wouldn't bow to HAMAN, and said it was because he was Jewish, HAMAN decided to kill Mordechai, and all the rest of the Jews while he was at it.
HAMAN
Hey, any job worth doing is worth doing evilly.
NARRATOR
So he went to the King
HAMAN
Hey, King, is it okay if I go and kill, like, maybe a hundred thousand of your subjects?
KING
Yeah, whatever.
HAMAN
Thanks!
MORDECHAI
My dear Esther: this is a catastrophic development – apocalyptic in its overall effect on the Jewish population, since it will, as designed, eradicate and eliminate us, and it's quite a challenge to conceptualize of a greater potential calamity. As it is that you are uniquely situated to effect a change in the King's policy, it becomes your task, your responsibility, even your duty to gain the King's audience, present to him this tragic situation, and bring about a resolution to this.
ESTHER
What?
MORDECHAI
Tell the King what's going on with the whole “Haman killing everybody” thing, and make him stop it.
ESTHER
But, like, the King dude gets totally pissed off if anyone interrupts him when he's playing video games. Which is like, ALWAYS. And then he'll kill me.
MORDECHAI
You've got to figure something out.
ESTHER
Hmm. . . he DOES like snacks. . .
NARRATOR:
So. . .
ESTHER
Hey, King – like, do you want to go get some pizza, like, tomorrow or something?
KING
Hey! Lemme hit “pause”. Pizza! That sounds great! Yeah! Let's get some pizza tomorrow!
ESTHER
Like, can you bring that Haman dude with you, too? There's something I, like, wanna talk about.
KING
Yeah, sure!
NARRATOR
But later that night, the King couldn't sleep.
KING
I bet I shouldn't have had those twenty double-espresso Red-Bull-And-Mountain-Dews. I can't sleep at all. I wonder if anybody can read me a bedtime story. Hey! Can someone out there read me a bedtime story?
CHRONICLE GUY
I've got this book of stuff that happened in the kingdom over the last couple years, would that work?
KING
Sure. What's something that happened?
CHRONICLE GUY
Well, there were these two guards who were going to kill you, but this guy overheard them and foiled their plot.
KING
Wow! It's just like in Final Fantasy! Did he get a magic gem or anything for finishing that quest?
CHRONICLE GUY
Um. No, in real life, people don't get magic gems.
KING
So what kind of quest reward DID he get?
CHRONICLE GUY
He didn't get a quest reward. Quest rewards are only in video games.
KING
Well, we definitely should give him a quest reward, then. What would a good quest reward be?
CHRONICLE GUY
Why don't you ask somebody else? Hey! Look! There's somebody else! Ask HIM!
HAMAN
Why are you pointing at me?
CHRONICLE GUY
The King wants to talk to you.
KING
So, what would be the most awesomest quest reward we could give to the most awesomest dude?
HAMAN
Hey! Cool! I'm the most awesomest guy, so let's see. . . I think that you should give me – I mean HIM really cool robes, and let me – I mean HIM – ride around on a really bitchin' horse, and have some guy go around telling everyone how awesome I am – I mean, HE is.
KING
That's a great idea! Okay, go do that for Mordechai. He's the most awesomest dude.
HAMAN
Oh, snap.
NARRATOR
So, the next morning, they did that. And lots of funny stuff happened, but this shpeil is getting long, so we cut it for time. But it was really funny. You would have liked it. Anyway, then it was the next night,
KING
That was really good pizza. But how come you didn't have pepperoni pizza? That's my favorite.
ESTHER
There's, like, a REALLY good reason for that, which, like, I'll tell you in a minute. But first, I want to, like, ask you a little, itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny favor. . . .
KING
Yeah, sure! Anything you want!
ESTHER [falls to the ground and grabs onto the KING's feet]
PLEASE! SAVE ME! There's, like, this guy, and he's out to kill me! And, like, my whole family! Please, c'mon, can you, like, stop him?
KING
Wow! It's a heroic quest! Sure! I'm going to need to talk to all sorts of characters and go on side quests, and then I can defeat the main boss! It will probably take me months to level up enough to beat him, though.
ESTHER
Why? He's right there. [points to HAMAN]
KING
WHAT?! Woah. I'm . . . SO MAD AT YOU HAMAN! How DARE you go around killing my wife! I'm going to go outside and count to a hundred, and when I come back, you'd BETTER have a good reason for killing my wife and her whole family! [storms out]
HAMAN
. . . but you said I could. . .
ESTHER
You're such a jerk, Haman. [slaps him, but he falls in the wrong direction.]
[SIGN GUY runs up with a sign that says “Fall the other way. . . “ HAMAN reads it, then gets up and falls the other way.]
KING [comes back in]
Okay, first, we kill Haman. Then we kill Haman's whole family. Um. I already said that people could go and kill you and your family, so I have to fix that. . . I know! I'll make another rule that says that you can kill them right back, first! That's what my mother always told me:“Now, Achashverosh: if someone wants to kill you, you just go and kill them right back!”
NARRATOR
And so, that's what they did. And it worked. And then Mordechai took Haman's old job, and then they made a rule that everybody should go and celebrate Purim, and then we wrote a Purim schpeil, and then we performed the Purim schpeil, and then we took bows, and then you applauded. And gave us all lots of money. Or at least candy and stuff.
[SIGN GUY comes out with a sign that says “THE END”]
Purim Schpeil
Characters:
Achashverosh: Short, obsessed with video games
Vashti: Tall, feminist
Esther: Tall, valley girl
Mordechai: Short, nerd, uses sespiquedailians
Haman: Rapper?
Guards: either very tall or very short
Advisors
Bigthan and Teresh: Ben and Evan
Haggai, Head Eunuch: Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Prompt Board Guy:
CHAPTER ONE:
NARRATOR
Okay, this is the part where Achashverosh is throwing a big drunken party.
ACHASHVEROSH [playing a video game]
Did you see that? 72-hit combo! Yeah!
ADVISOR 1:
Watching the King play Street Fighter is boring.
ADVISOR 2:
Yeah. You know what would make this party better?
ADVISOR 1:
What?
ADVISOR 2:
Naked women.
ADVISOR 3:
Hey, King – go tell the Queen to come to this party and bring that pole-dancing kit that we bought for her.
ACHASHVEROSH
Yeah, yeah, whatever – WOW! Did you see that finishing move?
ADVISOR 3:
Hey, guards – go get Queen Vashti.
GUARD 1
Oh, boy – the Queen's not gonna like this. . .
[GUARDS go off and immediately drag Vashti in]
VASHTI
No! I won't do it! It's objectification of women! I won't participate in the patriarchal commodification of our bodies! It's not right!
ADVISOR 1:
Um. This was a bad idea, wasn't it?
VASHTI
You're darn right it's a bad idea! The subjugation of women is ALWAYS a bad idea!
ADVISOR 2:
Guards, I think you better go put Queen Vashti back where you found her. . .
VASHTI [as the guards are dragging her off]
You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Do you realize that in 423 BCE, women weren't allowed to vote? And in 692 BCE, women weren't allowed to sleep! And in 829 BCE, women weren't allowed to eat! And in 1053 BCE, women weren't allowed to breathe! And . . .
ADVISOR 3
Wow. If the king finds out we did that, he'll be mad. . .
KING
Yeah! Excellent hit!
ADVISOR 2
I don't think he's noticed yet. . .
ADVISOR 1
Hey, King – I think you should go issue a proclamation saying that Vashti is banished from the kingdom.
ADVISOR 2
Yeah. And that men get to boss women around.
KING
Sure, yeah, whatever – darn! I just lost a life.
NARRATOR
And so that's what they did. But one day, the King upgraded to an Xbox 360. And while his servant was waiting in line at midnight, the King noticed something.
KING [looking around]
Hey, don't I have a wife or something?
ADVISOR 1 [trying to look innocent]
No, no, I don't think so.
KING
I'm pretty sure I do. Her name is Varnish or something like that.
ADVISOR 2 [trying to look excited to distract the King]
Yes! A wife! What a good idea! You should definitely get one of those!
ADVISOR 3
They're totally “in” this season. Really.
ADVISOR 1
And you could hold a beauty contest! That would be a great idea! Why don't we go plan one right now while we're waiting for your new Xbox.
NARRATOR
Mordechai had a younger cousin who he raised. Her name was Haddassah, but she thought that name sounded way too Jewish, so she called herself Esther instead.
ESTHER
Yeah -- “Haddassah” is like TOTALLY lame-o. “Esther” is like, a TOTALLY better name.
MORDECHAI
Ah, Haddassah --
ESTHER
Esther. The name “Haddasah” blows.
MORDECHAI
Haddassah, the dear progeny of my frater – your pulchritude is renowned, so as our vapid monarch has issued a proclamation declaring his intention to hold a contention vis-a-vis the determination of the distaff possessed of the greatest degree of comeliness with the intention of taking her in matrimonial conjugation, I believe it is to your benefit, and to the benefit of our Hebraic community as a whole if you were to engage yourself in this contest in order to engage the King, if you'll pardon the perhaps over-clever construction there!
ESTHER
What?
MORDECHAI [patiently]
Our royal sovereign has proclaimed a contest of beauty in order to ascertain the identity of his future consort. I believe you should entertain the notion of entering this competition, with the intention of winning the royal position for the to secure the beneficence of the country upon our Jewish people.
ESTHER
Hunh?
MORDECHAI [exasperated]
The king is holding a beauty contest to chose a wife. You should enter and win. It would be good for the Jews.
ESTHER
Oh, like, darn. I like TOTALLY forgot my line.
SIGN GUY [runs in with a cue card that says “I DON'T GET IT” and points at it]
ESTHER
Um. . . . “I don't get it.”
MORDECHAI
Just follow me, okay?
NARRATOR
So she did. Each of the contestants was given a makeover by Carson Haggai, the Head Eunuch of the King's Harem.
HAGGAI
So, just LOOK at this new haircut! It TOTALLY frames your face! And the eyeshadow! It makes your eyes just POP!
ESTHER
Wow! Like, Haggai, you're like TOTALLY the best! I just totally LOVE you!
HAGGAI
Oh, you're such a dear! Air kiss! Don't smudge the makeup!
[They air kiss]
HAGGAI
Oh, and did you see those two new guards? Bigthan and Teresh! Aren't they DIVINE? I just LOVE the big burly kind of guard, don't you?
NARRATOR
Haggai wasn't the only one with an eye on those guards. And it's a good thing, too.
Oh, by the way – Esther won the contest and became queen. And also, in celebration, the king gave a tax rebate. No, I'm serious. It's in the megillah. Look it up.
BIGTAN
Hey, the king's lame.
TERESH
Yeah. And he never lets me have a turn on his new Wii.
BIGTHAN
We should kill him.
TERESH
And take his game system.
MORDECHAI
Hark! I detect a sinister intrigue with the intention of effecting a coup de'etet! I must give alarm to the watchmen of the palace to act as a check on this proceeding! Ipsoes custodes! You must take into custody those two villainous plotters! They are an imminent danger to the State!
GUARDS
What?
MORDECHAI
Those watchmen are fostering a stratagem to effect violence upon the person of the sovereign. You must prevent their intended effect.
GUARDS
Hunh?
MORDECHAI
Get those men.
The GUARDS, who are small, go up to BIGTAN and TERESH, who are big. BIGTAN and TERESH loom over the guards threateningly. The GUARDS, in sync, throw a punch, and BIGTAN and TERESH fall over.
ESTHER
Hey, like, King-husband-dude? You heard that my cousin went and saved your life? It's all written down in the Chronicles of the Kingdom
KING [playing a video game and not paying attention]
Yeah, right, cool, whatever.
NARRATOR
The King, as w have seen, had really good taste in advisors
ADVISOR 1
Are you being sarcastic?
NARRATOR
Yes. Anyway, five years after that all happened, he chose HAMAN to be his head advisor. Anyway, since Mordechai wouldn't bow to HAMAN, and said it was because he was Jewish, HAMAN decided to kill Mordechai, and all the rest of the Jews while he was at it.
HAMAN
Hey, any job worth doing is worth doing evilly.
NARRATOR
So he went to the King
HAMAN
Hey, King, is it okay if I go and kill, like, maybe a hundred thousand of your subjects?
KING
Yeah, whatever.
HAMAN
Thanks!
MORDECHAI
My dear Esther: this is a catastrophic development – apocalyptic in its overall effect on the Jewish population, since it will, as designed, eradicate and eliminate us, and it's quite a challenge to conceptualize of a greater potential calamity. As it is that you are uniquely situated to effect a change in the King's policy, it becomes your task, your responsibility, even your duty to gain the King's audience, present to him this tragic situation, and bring about a resolution to this.
ESTHER
What?
MORDECHAI
Tell the King what's going on with the whole “Haman killing everybody” thing, and make him stop it.
ESTHER
But, like, the King dude gets totally pissed off if anyone interrupts him when he's playing video games. Which is like, ALWAYS. And then he'll kill me.
MORDECHAI
You've got to figure something out.
ESTHER
Hmm. . . he DOES like snacks. . .
NARRATOR:
So. . .
ESTHER
Hey, King – like, do you want to go get some pizza, like, tomorrow or something?
KING
Hey! Lemme hit “pause”. Pizza! That sounds great! Yeah! Let's get some pizza tomorrow!
ESTHER
Like, can you bring that Haman dude with you, too? There's something I, like, wanna talk about.
KING
Yeah, sure!
NARRATOR
But later that night, the King couldn't sleep.
KING
I bet I shouldn't have had those twenty double-espresso Red-Bull-And-Mountain-Dews. I can't sleep at all. I wonder if anybody can read me a bedtime story. Hey! Can someone out there read me a bedtime story?
CHRONICLE GUY
I've got this book of stuff that happened in the kingdom over the last couple years, would that work?
KING
Sure. What's something that happened?
CHRONICLE GUY
Well, there were these two guards who were going to kill you, but this guy overheard them and foiled their plot.
KING
Wow! It's just like in Final Fantasy! Did he get a magic gem or anything for finishing that quest?
CHRONICLE GUY
Um. No, in real life, people don't get magic gems.
KING
So what kind of quest reward DID he get?
CHRONICLE GUY
He didn't get a quest reward. Quest rewards are only in video games.
KING
Well, we definitely should give him a quest reward, then. What would a good quest reward be?
CHRONICLE GUY
Why don't you ask somebody else? Hey! Look! There's somebody else! Ask HIM!
HAMAN
Why are you pointing at me?
CHRONICLE GUY
The King wants to talk to you.
KING
So, what would be the most awesomest quest reward we could give to the most awesomest dude?
HAMAN
Hey! Cool! I'm the most awesomest guy, so let's see. . . I think that you should give me – I mean HIM really cool robes, and let me – I mean HIM – ride around on a really bitchin' horse, and have some guy go around telling everyone how awesome I am – I mean, HE is.
KING
That's a great idea! Okay, go do that for Mordechai. He's the most awesomest dude.
HAMAN
Oh, snap.
NARRATOR
So, the next morning, they did that. And lots of funny stuff happened, but this shpeil is getting long, so we cut it for time. But it was really funny. You would have liked it. Anyway, then it was the next night,
KING
That was really good pizza. But how come you didn't have pepperoni pizza? That's my favorite.
ESTHER
There's, like, a REALLY good reason for that, which, like, I'll tell you in a minute. But first, I want to, like, ask you a little, itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny favor. . . .
KING
Yeah, sure! Anything you want!
ESTHER [falls to the ground and grabs onto the KING's feet]
PLEASE! SAVE ME! There's, like, this guy, and he's out to kill me! And, like, my whole family! Please, c'mon, can you, like, stop him?
KING
Wow! It's a heroic quest! Sure! I'm going to need to talk to all sorts of characters and go on side quests, and then I can defeat the main boss! It will probably take me months to level up enough to beat him, though.
ESTHER
Why? He's right there. [points to HAMAN]
KING
WHAT?! Woah. I'm . . . SO MAD AT YOU HAMAN! How DARE you go around killing my wife! I'm going to go outside and count to a hundred, and when I come back, you'd BETTER have a good reason for killing my wife and her whole family! [storms out]
HAMAN
. . . but you said I could. . .
ESTHER
You're such a jerk, Haman. [slaps him, but he falls in the wrong direction.]
[SIGN GUY runs up with a sign that says “Fall the other way. . . “ HAMAN reads it, then gets up and falls the other way.]
KING [comes back in]
Okay, first, we kill Haman. Then we kill Haman's whole family. Um. I already said that people could go and kill you and your family, so I have to fix that. . . I know! I'll make another rule that says that you can kill them right back, first! That's what my mother always told me:“Now, Achashverosh: if someone wants to kill you, you just go and kill them right back!”
NARRATOR
And so, that's what they did. And it worked. And then Mordechai took Haman's old job, and then they made a rule that everybody should go and celebrate Purim, and then we wrote a Purim schpeil, and then we performed the Purim schpeil, and then we took bows, and then you applauded. And gave us all lots of money. Or at least candy and stuff.
[SIGN GUY comes out with a sign that says “THE END”]