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xiphiasSo, a couple days ago, I all of a sudden had enough energy to take care of normal tasks. I was able to mail letters, do laundry, do some cleaning.
And the weirdest thing happened that day. As I was walking to the post office, I passed the donut shop, and considered stopping in for a donut. And I realized I didn't really want one. That totally threw me, so I decided to stop in on the way back from the post office, instead.
When I came back, I still didn't want a donut.
I felt greatly uneasy and disturbed by this. So I went home and ate a tub of marshmallow fluff, which made me feel sick, rather than elevating my mood. (Okay, to be fair: there was like half an inch of marshmallow fluff in the bottom of the tub. It was really only like a half-cup of fluff, not a whole tub. Which makes the fact that it made me feel sick truly strange.)
This state of events went on for the next few days. Every night, I'd want to go to sleep at some kind of hour like 9:30 or 10:30 or so, and would wake up nine hours later, refreshed and ready to face the day. Rather than avoiding bed as long as I could, staggering in, and then staying in for ten hours and waking up groggy and unable to function, as I usually do. I'd wake up and I'd shower and get dressed. And then I'd do stuff around the house. Like, my chores and stuff.
This morning, I went to a restaurant in Ipswich for breakfast. I got a hash omelette, and I realized, after eating half, that I was full. And then I stopped eating, got a to-go box, and packed it up to have the other half for lunch. Which I did.
I washed the kitchen counters today -- something which I'm supposed to do, but never do. I got the recycling together. I did laundry and dishes.
The housework didn't seem overwhelming. Things like getting a full-time job seemed possible.
I realized I wasn't feeling depressed, and wondered if the medication was working.
This afternoon, I started to feel logy and slow, and, as I started to drive out to pick Lis up from work, I felt my mood start to fall. It fell a lot slower than it has in the past -- it took a good half-hour, forty-five minutes to crash out, and it didn't hit rock bottom like it sometimes does. And I managed to pull my mood up somewhat.
And as my mood fell, I craved sweets -- chocolate, a donut, cake, SOMETHING. In the way that I haven't craved sweets in the past few days.
So I know that my overeating is 100% dependent on my mood. When I wasn't depressed the last couple days, I didn't even have any URGE to overeat. The marshmallow fluff thing was because I was truly, genuinely confused about my lack of craving.
And now the cravings are back, although not as strong as they usually are.
Here's what I'm worried about: I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder minus the manic phase. There's some term for that; I don't recall what it's actually called. But basically, it's unipolar depression, except it's different than regular unipolar depression in some subtle ways, and it responds to anti-bipolar-type drugs better than it responds to SSRIs.
So what I wonder is if the last couple days actually have been not me kicking off the depression and being normal, but rather simply a manic episode. What if I'm really manic-depressive, except that on my manic days, I hit "normal"? If that's what is going on, is it possible to maintain a constant "manic" phase?
And the weirdest thing happened that day. As I was walking to the post office, I passed the donut shop, and considered stopping in for a donut. And I realized I didn't really want one. That totally threw me, so I decided to stop in on the way back from the post office, instead.
When I came back, I still didn't want a donut.
I felt greatly uneasy and disturbed by this. So I went home and ate a tub of marshmallow fluff, which made me feel sick, rather than elevating my mood. (Okay, to be fair: there was like half an inch of marshmallow fluff in the bottom of the tub. It was really only like a half-cup of fluff, not a whole tub. Which makes the fact that it made me feel sick truly strange.)
This state of events went on for the next few days. Every night, I'd want to go to sleep at some kind of hour like 9:30 or 10:30 or so, and would wake up nine hours later, refreshed and ready to face the day. Rather than avoiding bed as long as I could, staggering in, and then staying in for ten hours and waking up groggy and unable to function, as I usually do. I'd wake up and I'd shower and get dressed. And then I'd do stuff around the house. Like, my chores and stuff.
This morning, I went to a restaurant in Ipswich for breakfast. I got a hash omelette, and I realized, after eating half, that I was full. And then I stopped eating, got a to-go box, and packed it up to have the other half for lunch. Which I did.
I washed the kitchen counters today -- something which I'm supposed to do, but never do. I got the recycling together. I did laundry and dishes.
The housework didn't seem overwhelming. Things like getting a full-time job seemed possible.
I realized I wasn't feeling depressed, and wondered if the medication was working.
This afternoon, I started to feel logy and slow, and, as I started to drive out to pick Lis up from work, I felt my mood start to fall. It fell a lot slower than it has in the past -- it took a good half-hour, forty-five minutes to crash out, and it didn't hit rock bottom like it sometimes does. And I managed to pull my mood up somewhat.
And as my mood fell, I craved sweets -- chocolate, a donut, cake, SOMETHING. In the way that I haven't craved sweets in the past few days.
So I know that my overeating is 100% dependent on my mood. When I wasn't depressed the last couple days, I didn't even have any URGE to overeat. The marshmallow fluff thing was because I was truly, genuinely confused about my lack of craving.
And now the cravings are back, although not as strong as they usually are.
Here's what I'm worried about: I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder minus the manic phase. There's some term for that; I don't recall what it's actually called. But basically, it's unipolar depression, except it's different than regular unipolar depression in some subtle ways, and it responds to anti-bipolar-type drugs better than it responds to SSRIs.
So what I wonder is if the last couple days actually have been not me kicking off the depression and being normal, but rather simply a manic episode. What if I'm really manic-depressive, except that on my manic days, I hit "normal"? If that's what is going on, is it possible to maintain a constant "manic" phase?