On how people comment on other people's relationships.

[xiphias]

Most folks on my friends list post about their relationships. I can think of three women in particular who post about their husbands (and, if you're not sure if I'm talking about you, feel free to email me and ask), who tend to get comments talking about what bums their husbands are, and how they should just up and leave and get rid of the bum. (And, interestingly, it's only women to whom this happens.)

As I'm sure you can imagine, this does NOT make those women happy.

Now, those three women aren't the only women on my friends list who complain about their husbands, boyfriends, wives, girlfriends, or partners of whatever stripe. But they get a lot more "get rid of the bum" comments than other folks do. Not that they're the only three women who have ever got "get rid of the bum" comments, but they get them a lot more. I see similar dynamics elsewhere on my friends list, but those three women get orders of magnitude more, and more virulent.

Now, one of the things which bothers me about this is that I see myself in all three husbands. I do many of the same things that all three of these "bums" do. And yet Lis assures me that she gets very few of those comments to her blog. ("What? From outside of my family?" she jokes. Actually, I'm pretty sure that her family likes me.)

So I was trying to think about what makes these three LJs different than the ones who get fewer, and the ones who get none.

Note: I'm talking specifically about "get rid of the bum"-type comments. Sympathetic "jeez that sucks" comments, I'm not talking about. Even "want me to smack him with a wet trout for you?"-type comments, I'm not talking about. I'm specifically talking about comments suggesting, in all seriousness, that the relationship is unsalvageable, and that she should leave him.

First: men don't get these comments. Only women do. Now, women, on my friends list, anyway, post about their relationships more than men do -- not that men don't, but on average, the posts from women about their spouses and partners are more frequent and more in-depth, so that gives more opportunity for comments. But that doesn't explain the whole thing -- you'd expect fewer comments to men, but not the absolute absence of them.

Second: in all three cases, children are involved, school-aged, infants, or showing up within nine months. Childless couples don't tend to get this stuff.

Third: in all three cases, lack-of-money is involved. To different extents -- I'd call one of the cases "money is kinda tight a lot of the time", one "money is always tight", and one "poverty", but folks who are pretty much financially secure don't get these comments.

So: why don't I get those comments made about me? Because Lis and I have no children, so people feel that Lis can make her own decisions, because I post about our relationship more than Lis does, and people don't make these comments to men, and because Lis and I, while not wealthy, are reasonably financially secure.

Okay, there's my observations about how people make observations on other people. I hope I was sufficiently vague not to shame anyone, and sufficiently specific to make interesting and possibly even useful comments.

Comments

[adrian-turtle.livejournal.com]

I've suggested people leave relationships. Sometimes I'm suggesting a woman leave her lover. Sometimes, though less often, I'm suggesting a man leave his lover. Sometimes we're talking about leaving parents, or roommate situations. The main issue for me is, "Are you afraid to go home?" If a person is always flinching from physical or emotional bullying, but defines "fear" very narrowly (as in immediate expectation of being murdered), it can be surprisingly hard to recognize being afraid to go home.

I think intimidation is more likely in situations where money is very tight, especially after money has been tight for a long time. Financial dependence makes people dependent in other ways, limits their options. Someone once said to me, "I hate the way my mother treats me, but living with her is the only way I can afford to finish school." With more money, it would have been feasible to move out, or to enforce boundaries (do that again and I'm leaving.) There are also situations that might look like there's intimidation involved, even if there really isn't...a woman with no money, persistantly complaining about how unhappy she is in a relationship, appears to be at high risk, from this distance.

Most folks on my friends list post about their relationships. I can think of three women in particular who post about their husbands (and, if you're not sure if I'm talking about you, feel free to email me and ask), who tend to get comments talking about what bums their husbands are, and how they should just up and leave and get rid of the bum. (And, interestingly, it's only women to whom this happens.)

As I'm sure you can imagine, this does NOT make those women happy.

How sure are you that those women are unhappy about it? Back in 1995-6, maybe as early as 1994, people who cared about me were giving me online advice to leave my partner. That made me confused and troubled. To a first approximation, the more astute the advice, the more it troubled me. It wasn't the advice that was making me unhappy. It was the *relationship* that was making me unhappy.

Now, one of the things which bothers me about this is that I see myself in all three husbands. I do many of the same things that all three of these "bums" do. And yet Lis assures me that she gets very few of those comments to her blog.

There's a big difference between Lis and the sort of person I tend to worry is in a toxic or abusive relationship and needs to be helped out of it -- Lis does not seem to be persistently unhappy. She isn't complaining about you all the time. She complains of you occasionally, and in between times she writes of how happy she is with you. I suspect most readers of her blog are sufficiently regular readers to see that pattern.

[gingicat]

People were suggesting that I leave my emotionally supportive, caring, sharing husband because he wasn't gainfully employed, and because I let myself whine about his not doing chores in a timely fashion. These people were decidedly blowing things out of proportion.

I don't complain in my LJ any more.