On how people comment on other people's relationships.

[xiphias]

Most folks on my friends list post about their relationships. I can think of three women in particular who post about their husbands (and, if you're not sure if I'm talking about you, feel free to email me and ask), who tend to get comments talking about what bums their husbands are, and how they should just up and leave and get rid of the bum. (And, interestingly, it's only women to whom this happens.)

As I'm sure you can imagine, this does NOT make those women happy.

Now, those three women aren't the only women on my friends list who complain about their husbands, boyfriends, wives, girlfriends, or partners of whatever stripe. But they get a lot more "get rid of the bum" comments than other folks do. Not that they're the only three women who have ever got "get rid of the bum" comments, but they get them a lot more. I see similar dynamics elsewhere on my friends list, but those three women get orders of magnitude more, and more virulent.

Now, one of the things which bothers me about this is that I see myself in all three husbands. I do many of the same things that all three of these "bums" do. And yet Lis assures me that she gets very few of those comments to her blog. ("What? From outside of my family?" she jokes. Actually, I'm pretty sure that her family likes me.)

So I was trying to think about what makes these three LJs different than the ones who get fewer, and the ones who get none.

Note: I'm talking specifically about "get rid of the bum"-type comments. Sympathetic "jeez that sucks" comments, I'm not talking about. Even "want me to smack him with a wet trout for you?"-type comments, I'm not talking about. I'm specifically talking about comments suggesting, in all seriousness, that the relationship is unsalvageable, and that she should leave him.

First: men don't get these comments. Only women do. Now, women, on my friends list, anyway, post about their relationships more than men do -- not that men don't, but on average, the posts from women about their spouses and partners are more frequent and more in-depth, so that gives more opportunity for comments. But that doesn't explain the whole thing -- you'd expect fewer comments to men, but not the absolute absence of them.

Second: in all three cases, children are involved, school-aged, infants, or showing up within nine months. Childless couples don't tend to get this stuff.

Third: in all three cases, lack-of-money is involved. To different extents -- I'd call one of the cases "money is kinda tight a lot of the time", one "money is always tight", and one "poverty", but folks who are pretty much financially secure don't get these comments.

So: why don't I get those comments made about me? Because Lis and I have no children, so people feel that Lis can make her own decisions, because I post about our relationship more than Lis does, and people don't make these comments to men, and because Lis and I, while not wealthy, are reasonably financially secure.

Okay, there's my observations about how people make observations on other people. I hope I was sufficiently vague not to shame anyone, and sufficiently specific to make interesting and possibly even useful comments.

Comments

[navrins]

I don't think I ever tell people they ought to break up with their SO's (not my right, no matter how unhealthy I think the relationship is), but I've come equally close to doing so to both male and female close friends.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I hypothesize that people get the urge to tell people what to do in their relationships equally much with males and females, but that some people are better at supressing the urge to men.