Oh, one thing that from WEEKS ago that I wanted to mention

[xiphias]

So, several weeks back, I was at my parents' house for dinner, and my sister phoned, and we were talking and all, and the subject came up of what would happen if Jesus came back to Earth right now, and showed up. What would people do?

My sister said, "Middle Eastern male, from Gaza, wearing weird clothes, talking about overthrowing the government and the end of the world, and not in English? He's in Gitmo."

And silence came across the room, as we realized just how right she was.

Seriously. If Jesus came back, is there ANY way he wouldn't end up in Guantamo?

Comments

[ykats.livejournal.com]

How and why would he end up in Guantamo if he'd show up in, let's say, Australia?

[arib.livejournal.com]

Seriously. If Jesus came back, is there ANY way he wouldn't end up in Guantamo?

He's Jewish. he'd probably get remanded to Israeli custody.

(and Nazereth is in the West bank, not Gaza, IIRC.)

[mattblum.livejournal.com]

Well, if he had the good sense not to try to come to the U.S., Afghanistan, or Iraq, he wouldn't.

[steelwngs.livejournal.com]

This assumption is also based on the fact that the goverment would even let out the fact that they had him/her in custody.

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

He probably wouldn't end up in Gitmo, though there's some small chance that He would. While there are all too many innocent people confined there, this doesn't mean that everyone who looks somewhat suspicious gets picked up.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

What would happen if he showed up in, say, Israel?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

No, it's not. It's based on the speculation that Jesus HAS come back, and is in Gitmo RIGHT NOW, and the government hasn't told anyone.

The More Things Change...

[felis-sidus.livejournal.com]

Location does matter, but in most countries of the world today, Jesus might well end up being executed as a terrorist. Oh, wait.....

[steelwngs.livejournal.com]

If that is the case. Then I would start waiting for the 3rd comming.

[jehanna.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't he be speaking Aramaic? They'd have to find somebody to translate, and once they figured out he was claiming to be Jesus they'd just lock him in a mental institution anyway. :P

[mattblum.livejournal.com]

Hm. Hard to say for sure. I guess that would depend on what he did after showing up there. I mean, if we're assuming that he can come back, then he must actually have at least some of the supernatural powers ascribed to him by the Christian Bible. If that's so, if he started healing the sick and injured and turning water into wine, he'd start attracting attention pretty quickly, and it's doubtful the Israeli government would be able to keep a lid on it.

OTOH, if he just blended in for a while and then maybe started giving impassioned sermons on streetcorners, the Israeli government would probably lock him up the same as the U.S. government would.

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

Well, he'd not be from Gaza. He'd be an Israeli settler (born in Bethlehem), but from a not-too-radical family. After all, they did go back to Nazareth, which is firmly in pre-1967 Israel.

Would Jesus wear weird clothes? I don't think so. Certainly the clothing he is depicted as wearing looks weird today, but it was not weird at the time. Today he'd wear equivalent normal middle-class clothes, like jeans.

Talk about overthrowing the government? No, Jesus talked about living in peace with the government (that whole "render unto Caesar" line means "pay your taxes to the Romans, just don't forget G-d").

Talk about the end of the world? I don't think Jesus ever did that. It was his followers, Paul and John, who got high on apocalyptical visions.

Not speaking English? Well, nobody spoke English in 30 AD. However, a modern-day Jesus would attend Israeli public schools, where English is taught from the 3rd grade on. He might not be fluent, but he'd be able to get along as a tourist.

If Jesus were to appear today in exactly the same place and life circumstances, he would not get the popular following in Israel that he had in Judea 2000 years ago. The political and religious environment is very different. And without the early popular following, would his supporters then gain a worldwide audience after his death? I don't think so. I think the Jesus of today would be seen as an obscure Israeli snake-oil salesman doing "miracle cures", with a blog.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

Well, they did crucify him the first time...

[tylik.livejournal.com]

Afterall, no one gives impassioned sermons on streetcorners in Israel? Huh?

[mattblum.livejournal.com]

In Aramaic? Claiming to be Jesus?

[papersky.livejournal.com]

"Father? They do know what they're doing."

[tylik.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe not *good* Aramaic...

[griffen.livejournal.com]

This deserves to be metaquoted; not because it's funny but because it's pithy. May I?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

If you like, please do!

[(Anonymous)]

Well remember, Jesus died. This means that he's a zombie (or possibly some other form of the undead, but my money is on zombie). Worse, we know that he's able to make more zombies out of the recently dead. And if he can make zombie animals, the loaves and fishes thing becomes very sinister.

Still, I think that standard anti-zombie tactics would suffice for sending him back to hell heaven.

jesus in guantanamo?

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

yeah, why in the world would anyone expect jesus to present himself like he did when he was around the first time? that'd make absolutely no sense. he didn't stand out as a total weirdo at the time (though if he was really an essene, he was a little bit out there).

i'd expect god to find a place and circumstances for jesus in which to have an impact, and that might not be in israel. i see no particular reason for him to be an israeli settler.

thinking he'd get locked up in guantanamo is a somewhat US-centric point of view. he might not appear anywhere near the US or the countries it's occupying/making war on at the time. it also misinterprets guantanamo as a psychiatric ward.

i love "with a blog", *heh*. but i don't buy the snakeoil bit. the individual miracle cures also fit into the time in which he lived; today he'd be doing something different.

[cowgurrl.livejournal.com]

Of course he would be persecuted, clearly he's lying, every body knows Jesus was white with blonde hair and blue eyes, come on.

Gotta love conservative Catholics :P

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Done!

Re: jesus in guantanamo?

[nolly.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what pleonastic and beckyzoole said. He's the son of God. If we're considering a second frst coming -- born of woman, etc. -- he'd dress and speak pretty much like the people he grew up with, which could be any culture on earth (or, I suppose, off earth...). If we're talking about the second coming, well, as an amillennialist[1], I'd say the US government won't exist long enough to do anything about it.

[1] pre- and post-millenialists take a more literal interpretation of the book of Revelation than amillenialists do. Both believe in a literal 1000 year reign of Christ, the Rapture, and all that fun stuff, but they differ in their beliefs about the order of events.

[king-tirian.livejournal.com]

If you're going to accept the hypothesis of the Second Coming, then it probably makes some sense to accept the rest of the theory put forth in the Book of Revelation, which is that Christ will return in glory to reign over the Earth. Taking a casual glance through Chapter 19, he just doesn't seem like the sort of fellow that's going to be crated up in some government warehouse next to the Ark of the Covenant.

Even if God saw fit to send a prophet among us, I'm certain that the prophet would be endowed with sufficient grace to accomplish the mission. Martin Luther King and Desmond Tutu got their words out in spite of their words being terribly threatening to the governments that imprisoned them. I'm certain that the will of God is stronger than the collected national security agencies of every country on Earth.

Sorry to get all God Squad on ya. To compensate, let me also contribute the funniest thing that David Letterman ever said, which is that if Abraham Lincoln were alive today he would be DESPERATELY CLAWING AT THE INSIDE OF HIS COFFIN!

[sethg]

With all the John the Baptists and Virgin Marys running around Jerusalem, who would notice?

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

That's hysterically funny. Especially the part that, if it's an American, they often don't have insurance that covers psychiatric help.

Re: The More Things Change...

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

You win the Internet.

Nazareth

[shmuelisms.livejournal.com]

is very much in the [lower] Galil, hence his being referred to as the Galilean. :-)
I can see Nazareth from my home (which is in the West bank), about 30 Km (~15 miles) away.

Re: Nazareth

[arib.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the correction. :-)

Re: The More Things Change...

[rebmommy.livejournal.com]

hey - your name came up with a little person thingy next to it. Does that mean you have a live journal account now? You did it! Are you on my friends list? How do I get on yours?

Classic...

[rs232.livejournal.com]

That's classic!

[goljerp]

Dunno about Aramaic, but there's something called "Jerusalem Syndrome" (a google will pull up several references) where people visiting or living in Jerusalem basically go crazy, and start to believe that they are Jesus. Or Moses. Or whatever. I'm not sure whether Muslims get it so much, since Jerusalem is really only barely in the top 5 holy Muslim cities, but I suppose there are people who start thinking they're Mohammed, too.

Re: jesus in guantanamo?

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i can't believe that in my eagerness to imagine jesus today i totally forgot that The Second Coming isn't supposed to be a retread of the first. *duh*. thanks for the bonk to the head. :)