I feel awful this morning

[xiphias]

There are a couple reasons. But the most interesting is that, last night, I had an attack of angst. And how I dealt with it.

When I say, "I had an attack of angst," I am speaking in the literal Freudian sense. Last night, and the night before that, for that matter, I had sudden, sharp, intense fear that, after I die, I will not exist. Night before last, I did what I usually do -- got nauseous, shivered for a while, and then eventually managed to shove it to the back of my mind and ignore it, through intense prayer which felt absolutely pointless while I was praying, because this fear is related to and equivalent to, in my case at least, a fear that there is no G-d.

Last night, I did something different. I somehow snipped the connection between the angst and the lump of nausea and sickness beneath my ribcage. I told myself, "This lump of nausea and sickness is real -- I sense it, it is actual and sense-able. But what it is connected to -- that's a thought, and thoughts are ephemeral." And I cut the two of them apart, and wiped away the thought, and the thought vanished. The sense of fear withered and left.

But the lump of nausea, sickness, and dread remained. And is still there now, the next morning. And it doesn't MEAN anything. It's just a lump of nausea, sickness, and dread. Without connection to a cause, or a thought.

And I did not sleep at all well last night, and I feel physically terrible today.

And I find myself wondering: how much of my constant pain and sickness is old emotions floating around my body, stripped of meaning, yet retaining their pain? Is that even POSSIBLE? I wouldn't think it would be, except that I have evidence that it happened last night and is still there, and Xiphias's Law states, "That which exists is possible."

Comments

[rosefox]

I once had someone do deep tissue massage on my thighs, at which point I burst into unexplained tears. He said, "Wow, you've got lots of really old tension locked up in here that you just never let out."

So I would say it's very possible.

[jehanna.livejournal.com]

It is definitely possible. A lot of Ari's headaches and such are directly related to that. It's an area of medicine that is incompletely understood by science but which is still being explored. It's only recently that they've begun to admit that there is enough evidence for that connection to make it something that can't be dismissed.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Last night, and the night before that, for that matter, I had sudden, sharp, intense fear that, after I die, I will not exist.

Ah. That feeling. I've been having it quite a lot lately.

Really crappy feeling.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Oh, and:

I find myself wondering: how much of my constant pain and sickness is old emotions floating around my body, stripped of meaning, yet retaining their pain? Is that even POSSIBLE?

There's a theory that emotions which are not expressed get stored in the body. One of the books on anger that rosefox pointed me at a while back talks about this in depth. The man's theory is that understanding and rationalizing your anger doesn't make it go away - that only expression of it makes it go away.

I would think the same would be true of other emotions as well.

[cellio]

This seems plausible to me. If so, then a remedy would seem to be a combination of (a) bring these stored emotions to the surface for access and (b) physically express them to drive them out. Deep massage plus beating on something that won't mind? Letting yourself actually throw up to banish the nausea? I'm guessing here, alas.

[dancing-kiralee.livejournal.com]

Does this book have any advice on what to do if you can't express your anger?

Kiralee

[griffen.livejournal.com]

The advice is: Express your anger. His method is to go to his car, get in, roll up all the windows, and scream and yell at the top of his lungs.

The book is called Facing the Fire, by John Lee. I recommend it.

[dancing-kiralee.livejournal.com]

I am too much of a perfectionist... in that, I don't just want to epress my anger, I want to epress my anger effectively. Maybe that's too much to ask for.

I will keep the book in mind. It sounds interesting, if I can track it down and find time to read it.

Kiralee

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Some wisdom from people that helped me overcome my perfectionism over the years may help you. It's this:

If you do not permit yourself to make mistakes and learn from them, becoming a failure is inevitable. Successful people learn from their mistakes. People who try to be perfect keep making the same mistakes over and over.

Seriously. Let go of the perfectionism. It isn't going to serve you, either in the short or the long run.

[ewtikins.livejournal.com]

And I find myself wondering: how much of my constant pain and sickness is old emotions floating around my body, stripped of meaning, yet retaining their pain? Is that even POSSIBLE?

I think it is very possible.

[ex-serenejo.livejournal.com]

I get the identical angst you get, soundslikemaybe, but it's not related to a god thing, just to an existential panic about not existing. I have started choosing to examine the whole thing every time instead of pushing it away, and it's become a really interesting thing to look at in myself.

[marquisedea.livejournal.com]

Oh I hate that! That physical sickness caused by whatever emotional turmoil. For me it's usually a tight chest and some innard organ twitchings. I always get so frustrated with myself for not being able to control it.

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, yes. I've had similar experiences to the one rosefox mentioned. Once, when my back was hurting very badly and I was lying on the floor, mentally trying to calm the nerves and soothe the muscles (because what the hell, it may not help but it can't hurt, and I was in too much pain to do anything else at the moment), I started having these vivid memories of my early childhood: specifically doing laundry, preparing meals, and tending to my 1 year-old sister when I was 3 and 4 years old. So... okay, then. (Note: I generally have trouble remembering specifics of my childhood without some serious cues.)

Anyhow, I've figured out via both study of psychology and trial-and-error experimentation that I can get rid of those awful bodily feelings, by giving my body another, easier reason for those feelings. Therefore, if my heart is pounding and I'm sweating due to anxiety, I go hike or run the stairs or whatever until my body is convinced that the pounding heart and sweat were due to physical exertion, not anxiety. YMMV, but backed up by clinical studies and such. (Because that ALWAYS means it works.)

[hangedwoman.livejournal.com]

It's quite possible. There's certainly plenty of evidence of current stress causing physiological problems. Why would it be so odd that old stress could linger and continue to cause problems?

[linenoise.livejournal.com]

I'd say it's more than possible. There's a group of people out there, mostly working as chiropractors, that are basing whole treatment methodologies on exactly that idea.

I went to one of them, back home in LA. I probably got equal or greater long-term theraputic benefit from ten minutes with my chiropractor than from 50 with talk therapy.

So, yeah, it's possible. It's definately possible.

(For everything that exists, there is at least one webpage written.)

[aquaeri.livejournal.com]

I agree with kyra_ojosverdes that doing something physical to create a straight-forward reason for the bodily sensations often helps.

[theletterelle.livejournal.com]

It sounds like the panic attacks I have. A book that helped me face my anxiety is "Serenity in the Age of Anxiety" by Davidson. It discusses that fear that you're having-- it's called sacred anxiety and is related to the big questions of why we exist. Sacred anxiety that's never examined turns to toxic anxiety, which leads to fear, anger, hatred, insecurity, all the bad things. I highly recommend this book.