I feel awful this morning
May. 1st, 2005 08:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
xiphiasThere are a couple reasons. But the most interesting is that, last night, I had an attack of angst. And how I dealt with it.
When I say, "I had an attack of angst," I am speaking in the literal Freudian sense. Last night, and the night before that, for that matter, I had sudden, sharp, intense fear that, after I die, I will not exist. Night before last, I did what I usually do -- got nauseous, shivered for a while, and then eventually managed to shove it to the back of my mind and ignore it, through intense prayer which felt absolutely pointless while I was praying, because this fear is related to and equivalent to, in my case at least, a fear that there is no G-d.
Last night, I did something different. I somehow snipped the connection between the angst and the lump of nausea and sickness beneath my ribcage. I told myself, "This lump of nausea and sickness is real -- I sense it, it is actual and sense-able. But what it is connected to -- that's a thought, and thoughts are ephemeral." And I cut the two of them apart, and wiped away the thought, and the thought vanished. The sense of fear withered and left.
But the lump of nausea, sickness, and dread remained. And is still there now, the next morning. And it doesn't MEAN anything. It's just a lump of nausea, sickness, and dread. Without connection to a cause, or a thought.
And I did not sleep at all well last night, and I feel physically terrible today.
And I find myself wondering: how much of my constant pain and sickness is old emotions floating around my body, stripped of meaning, yet retaining their pain? Is that even POSSIBLE? I wouldn't think it would be, except that I have evidence that it happened last night and is still there, and Xiphias's Law states, "That which exists is possible."
When I say, "I had an attack of angst," I am speaking in the literal Freudian sense. Last night, and the night before that, for that matter, I had sudden, sharp, intense fear that, after I die, I will not exist. Night before last, I did what I usually do -- got nauseous, shivered for a while, and then eventually managed to shove it to the back of my mind and ignore it, through intense prayer which felt absolutely pointless while I was praying, because this fear is related to and equivalent to, in my case at least, a fear that there is no G-d.
Last night, I did something different. I somehow snipped the connection between the angst and the lump of nausea and sickness beneath my ribcage. I told myself, "This lump of nausea and sickness is real -- I sense it, it is actual and sense-able. But what it is connected to -- that's a thought, and thoughts are ephemeral." And I cut the two of them apart, and wiped away the thought, and the thought vanished. The sense of fear withered and left.
But the lump of nausea, sickness, and dread remained. And is still there now, the next morning. And it doesn't MEAN anything. It's just a lump of nausea, sickness, and dread. Without connection to a cause, or a thought.
And I did not sleep at all well last night, and I feel physically terrible today.
And I find myself wondering: how much of my constant pain and sickness is old emotions floating around my body, stripped of meaning, yet retaining their pain? Is that even POSSIBLE? I wouldn't think it would be, except that I have evidence that it happened last night and is still there, and Xiphias's Law states, "That which exists is possible."