It doesn't seem intuitively likely to me that either of you will change your feelings on this. I also think, from what I know of you both, that you're both right not to consider leaving your relationship. That means it seems to me that pursuing a more active poly setup is the most likely workable outcome. Yes, that's uncertain, but it seems to be the only option that offers you any chance at all of achieving both your desired outcomes, so surely it has to be worth trying.
As for Lis not being able to understand where you're coming from, I'd recommend that you both just agree to put it aside and accept it as a given for the moment that you feel the way you do and have a right (and possibly even an ethical duty) to set your goals accordingly. djm4 and I have a certain amount of experience in dealing with this kind of fundamental difference, and we find there comes a point where further rounds of explanation are actually harmful.
You probably have many years ahead of you before becoming a biological father ceases to be a realistic option, so my next piece of advice would be to try not to rush this (I realise you haven't so far - I just mean that I don't think it needs to become urgent now, either.) It seems to me that good uses of your time now would be to find some way of stabilising your depression, address any health or financial issues or anything else that someone considering having kids would normally do, and consider what, apart from this issue, might benefit from work in your relationship with Lis. (One question to ask that might be fruitful is whether there's any more you can do to support her in reaching her own goals, or any other question that makes sure the focus is on her priorities as well as yours a good part of the time.) The stronger the two of you are mentally, physically and in your relationship, the more likely it is that you will weather a transition to poly successfully, and anyone with enough maturity to be a suitable mother for your children in this kind of setup will want to see that those things are in place anyway.
Later, you could consider spending some time together thinking about what sort of ground rules might (a) help you both feel secure in a poly relationship, and at the same time (b) also help to reassure a prospective partner that she can feel secure too. Get some people you trust outside the relationship to sanity-check what you come up with, especially from the point of view of the prospective new partner. Be prepared to have to revise them when you meet that person for real, but at least you will have a starting point for the discussions.
I'm guessing that you would want any additional partner to be Jewish if you were going to share living space and have kids together; if so, you might find the AhavaRaba mailing list helpful, if you're not there already. I'm not on it currently, but can probably dig out the details for you if you would like me to.
I'd put "look for a new partner" right at the end of your list, because before you get there, you'll need to make some difficult decisions about whether and how to look at all. As has been said many times on alt.poly, usually the best way to look is not to look, but that may not be an option, given how specific your requirements would be. You'd have to consider where to strike the balance between emotional and pragmatic issues, whether you're prepared to use personal ads, etc.
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Aim for poly, but take the scenic route
Date: 2005-03-20 06:24 pm (UTC)As for Lis not being able to understand where you're coming from, I'd recommend that you both just agree to put it aside and accept it as a given for the moment that you feel the way you do and have a right (and possibly even an ethical duty) to set your goals accordingly.
You probably have many years ahead of you before becoming a biological father ceases to be a realistic option, so my next piece of advice would be to try not to rush this (I realise you haven't so far - I just mean that I don't think it needs to become urgent now, either.) It seems to me that good uses of your time now would be to find some way of stabilising your depression, address any health or financial issues or anything else that someone considering having kids would normally do, and consider what, apart from this issue, might benefit from work in your relationship with Lis. (One question to ask that might be fruitful is whether there's any more you can do to support her in reaching her own goals, or any other question that makes sure the focus is on her priorities as well as yours a good part of the time.) The stronger the two of you are mentally, physically and in your relationship, the more likely it is that you will weather a transition to poly successfully, and anyone with enough maturity to be a suitable mother for your children in this kind of setup will want to see that those things are in place anyway.
Later, you could consider spending some time together thinking about what sort of ground rules might (a) help you both feel secure in a poly relationship, and at the same time (b) also help to reassure a prospective partner that she can feel secure too. Get some people you trust outside the relationship to sanity-check what you come up with, especially from the point of view of the prospective new partner. Be prepared to have to revise them when you meet that person for real, but at least you will have a starting point for the discussions.
I'm guessing that you would want any additional partner to be Jewish if you were going to share living space and have kids together; if so, you might find the AhavaRaba mailing list helpful, if you're not there already. I'm not on it currently, but can probably dig out the details for you if you would like me to.
I'd put "look for a new partner" right at the end of your list, because before you get there, you'll need to make some difficult decisions about whether and how to look at all. As has been said many times on alt.poly, usually the best way to look is not to look, but that may not be an option, given how specific your requirements would be. You'd have to consider where to strike the balance between emotional and pragmatic issues, whether you're prepared to use personal ads, etc.