More musings on depression

[xiphias]

One of the most destructive effects my depression has had on my life, I think, might be that it's taught me never to undertake any project that will take more than a month or two to complete. At the outside, six months. Because I've learned (and it's mostly true) that I'll be crippled by depression at LEAST a couple of times a year, and any project I'm working on when this happens will be dropped, and possibly not taken up again.

There are, I suppose, many worthwhile projects that can be accomplished on that short a timescale, but it truly limits what I'm willing to do.

The fact that I know that I'm likely to be crippled by depression means that I won't take on any position of responsibility. Although I am a skilled manager, I won't manage people -- it's too likely that I'll fall apart and let people down. While I'm happy to volunteer at cons, I can't do any planning for a con, be a div-head, or do any of that stuff, because it's too likely that I'll drop the ball -- and I've seen how much disruption that causes. Hell, the only time I DID try to do that was for an alt.polycon, where I ended up having to give up, and making teddywolf do the job I'd volunteered to do (and he did a bang-up job on it, too).

The most I'm willing to do is low-level work -- staffing Massage Den, being in the chorus of a play, being a bartender. Teaching Hebrew school is a little different -- but, even then, it's a LOT better since Rafi created a curriculum for me to teach towards. None of these things are unskilled, or even easy. But, in all cases, I'm working under the direction of someone else.

Which I don't, particularly, LIKE, really. I don't DISLIKE it, either -- but I'd rather be working for myself, making my own plans, choosing my own direction rather than working to the direction of others. But I CAN'T. Not for any longer than a month or two.

Even if I do manage to lick the depression -- and it's far from certain that I ever will -- I'll still have to retrain myself to believe that I CAN take on projects that require more than a month or two of attention.