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Something I realized about me
I just got back home from set-build. I got up at six this morning to do class prep, was at Hebrew school from 8 AM to noon, got to set build at around noon-thirty (people had started doing lights at 7 AM, and Joelll was still there when I left at 11), and left at 11.
And I realized something.
The implication of the email that was sent out was that people were expected to stay as long as they could for put-in.
And it seemed to me that every single person other than me interpreted that differently than I did. Including the people who sent out that message.
See, to me, "stay as long as you can" means "until you are physically unable to move, or have other commitments." And I figured I'd stay until either the set was built, or, frankly, until I needed to go to work, at 10 tomorrow morning.
And I realized that that was incompatable with another instruction we were given, which was, "take care of yourself, get sleep, and don't get sick."
And it caused me great mental distress. Because I had been given two incompatable instructions.
You know that voice in your head that tells you when you should stop doing something because you're hurting yourself? I don't have one. If given a task, I will continue until 1) the task is done, 2) I have another task given that supercedes it, or a previous commitment, or 3) I physically cannot continue. And I need to go through significant structural damage to reach #3.
And I began to realize, somewhere around six o'clock, when people were talking about what the plans were for set building for the next couple of days, that set building was going to continue for the next couple of days. Which meant that, to meet condition #1, I'd be working for several days straight. Which I couldn't do, because I'm tending bar tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.
And I ALSO realize that I'm damn resentful for being put into this position. I mean, if someone had said "Do this many hours of work", or "work until this time", I could deal with that. But as it is, I'm simultaneously breaking TWO instructions -- the one about staying until the job was done, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and therefore not fair to give, AND the one about taking care of oneself physically, which is already hosed for me.
See, I've been having skin rashes that won't heal for days now, and I've not been able to get enough sleep to heal them. So I'm oozing blood. I realize that most people probably don't do this. But I do. And it's going to get worse over the next couple days.
Then we had the talk about stage makeup. I hadn't entirely realized how extensive it is. And, knowing my body, I'd need at least four days of bed-rest to get my body from where it is now to where it would have a decent chance of dealing with the stage makeup. And I'm working four days and have rehearsal every night, so I'm not getting ANY bed-rest from now until when it becomes relevant. So this is going to suck.
Oh, well. I will have to see how my body reacts to the makeup, but I suspect that this will be a reason that I won't be able to participate in any stage stuff in the future, at least not onstage. I hope I'm wrong about that -- not only because I think I'd like doing this sort of thing, but also because, if I'm NOT wrong, it will take me at least two weeks to recover. And I need to be doing other things during those two weeks, so it might suck.
You know what kept me from overexerting myself this way in the past? Depression. The fact that I've always been severely depressed meant that I couldn't do ANYTHING, which is what protected me. But now that the depression is under treatment, I have absolutely NO training in how not to overexert myself. I'm used to giving 110% all the time, because that's what it usually takes to do things like get out of bed and shower. But now, well, 110% of what I can do now burns me out fast.
And I realized something.
The implication of the email that was sent out was that people were expected to stay as long as they could for put-in.
And it seemed to me that every single person other than me interpreted that differently than I did. Including the people who sent out that message.
See, to me, "stay as long as you can" means "until you are physically unable to move, or have other commitments." And I figured I'd stay until either the set was built, or, frankly, until I needed to go to work, at 10 tomorrow morning.
And I realized that that was incompatable with another instruction we were given, which was, "take care of yourself, get sleep, and don't get sick."
And it caused me great mental distress. Because I had been given two incompatable instructions.
You know that voice in your head that tells you when you should stop doing something because you're hurting yourself? I don't have one. If given a task, I will continue until 1) the task is done, 2) I have another task given that supercedes it, or a previous commitment, or 3) I physically cannot continue. And I need to go through significant structural damage to reach #3.
And I began to realize, somewhere around six o'clock, when people were talking about what the plans were for set building for the next couple of days, that set building was going to continue for the next couple of days. Which meant that, to meet condition #1, I'd be working for several days straight. Which I couldn't do, because I'm tending bar tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.
And I ALSO realize that I'm damn resentful for being put into this position. I mean, if someone had said "Do this many hours of work", or "work until this time", I could deal with that. But as it is, I'm simultaneously breaking TWO instructions -- the one about staying until the job was done, which is IMPOSSIBLE, and therefore not fair to give, AND the one about taking care of oneself physically, which is already hosed for me.
See, I've been having skin rashes that won't heal for days now, and I've not been able to get enough sleep to heal them. So I'm oozing blood. I realize that most people probably don't do this. But I do. And it's going to get worse over the next couple days.
Then we had the talk about stage makeup. I hadn't entirely realized how extensive it is. And, knowing my body, I'd need at least four days of bed-rest to get my body from where it is now to where it would have a decent chance of dealing with the stage makeup. And I'm working four days and have rehearsal every night, so I'm not getting ANY bed-rest from now until when it becomes relevant. So this is going to suck.
Oh, well. I will have to see how my body reacts to the makeup, but I suspect that this will be a reason that I won't be able to participate in any stage stuff in the future, at least not onstage. I hope I'm wrong about that -- not only because I think I'd like doing this sort of thing, but also because, if I'm NOT wrong, it will take me at least two weeks to recover. And I need to be doing other things during those two weeks, so it might suck.
You know what kept me from overexerting myself this way in the past? Depression. The fact that I've always been severely depressed meant that I couldn't do ANYTHING, which is what protected me. But now that the depression is under treatment, I have absolutely NO training in how not to overexert myself. I'm used to giving 110% all the time, because that's what it usually takes to do things like get out of bed and shower. But now, well, 110% of what I can do now burns me out fast.
no subject
Of course, it's easy for me to be silly about this; it must be very difficult for you to deal with this. On a more serious note: It's really important to take care of yourself. You've put in a good 10.5 hours building the set; I think you've more than fulfilled your obligation. You probably could've left at 7 without anyone thinking that you were shirking. I've volunteered with this kind of thing before (most recently, helping to do setup for a friend's off-broadway play). It always takes a long time, and even unskilled (which I am) help is appreciated... but nobody expects a volunteer or chorus member to be there all the time. If you were the person in charge of lighting... well, then you'd be expected to stay until that was done... but you're not. Get sleep. Rest. As other people have commented, the "stay as long as you can" was to inspire the lazy bums among the group to actually come in, and plan to stay for more than half an hour.
no subject
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking of, mulling this post over on my way to work this morning. :-}
Dear love. Please remember that, as with the Laws of Robotics, these instructions are hierarchical.
The First Law of Theatrics is "A production member [cast or crew] shall practice good physical and emotional self-care so as not to become sick, injured, mad, or worse at any time as a result of the production."
The Second Law of Theatrics is, "A cast member shall attend all rehearsal and performance commitments in a timely and constructive manner except where such attendance would conflict with the First Law."
The Third Law of Theatrics is, "A production member shall put as much additional work as possible into the production as long as such contribution does not conflict with the First or Second Laws."
There are very, very few people who need the Third Law applied as a constraint on their volunteer effort. But as you're one of them, mind that you do so, or we will be required to enforce it by kicking you out of La Sala at appropriate times. *hugs*
no subject
He doesn't tend to notice "I'm hungry, I should eat soon." Rather, he gives notice at "I'm hungry, I'm about to pass out."
I'm still not always good at parsing Ian-ese in this regard.
It's possibly something for a followup post; how *do* you notice such things about onesself? [Maybe I should research the training given to kids without pain receptors; Ian feels pain, but doesn't always recognize it as a sign to stop what he's doing. [Possibly it comes from knowing people with chronic pain. When pain *doesn't* have a relationship to one's actions, then why give into it?]
no subject
no subject