Of course you're not convinced that it isn't your fault.
That is the most evil and pernicious thing that depression does: it convinces you that you did this to yourself. That IT'S not there -- YOU'RE doing it. It is an evil, evil disease, and this is precisely why I hate it so much -- because not only does it destroy you, it convinces you that you did it to yourself. It tells you that it's all your fault -- that you deserve it, that you are doing it, that if only you were a better person, this wouldn't be happening, that this is simply a case of you being lazy, or weak, and that if you were stronger, better, smarter, wiser, or just generally a good person, you wouldn't be doing this.
It's all lies.
It's all lies the depression tells you.
The depression lies to you, and tells you that it's your fault, and it gets inside your brain, and twists things around, and it makes you believe it.
It's not true. It's not at all true. But the depression fucks with you until you believe it anyway.
And that's why it's evil.
Staying up all night? Procrastinating? Avoiding social contact?
Those aren't causes of depression: they're results. They'e symptoms. Those are things the DISEASE does, not you. It just twists your mind around to convince you that it's you, and not it.
And there are ways of improving the situation. But you need help to get better. You can't do it alone, and you don't HAVE to be able to do it alone. Depression will try to tell you that you have to do it alone. It is lying to you. You need help -- friends, a support network, a good, competent doctor or other clinician, and, almost certainly, drugs.
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That is the most evil and pernicious thing that depression does: it convinces you that you did this to yourself. That IT'S not there -- YOU'RE doing it. It is an evil, evil disease, and this is precisely why I hate it so much -- because not only does it destroy you, it convinces you that you did it to yourself. It tells you that it's all your fault -- that you deserve it, that you are doing it, that if only you were a better person, this wouldn't be happening, that this is simply a case of you being lazy, or weak, and that if you were stronger, better, smarter, wiser, or just generally a good person, you wouldn't be doing this.
It's all lies.
It's all lies the depression tells you.
The depression lies to you, and tells you that it's your fault, and it gets inside your brain, and twists things around, and it makes you believe it.
It's not true. It's not at all true. But the depression fucks with you until you believe it anyway.
And that's why it's evil.
Staying up all night? Procrastinating? Avoiding social contact?
Those aren't causes of depression: they're results. They'e symptoms. Those are things the DISEASE does, not you. It just twists your mind around to convince you that it's you, and not it.
And there are ways of improving the situation. But you need help to get better. You can't do it alone, and you don't HAVE to be able to do it alone. Depression will try to tell you that you have to do it alone. It is lying to you. You need help -- friends, a support network, a good, competent doctor or other clinician, and, almost certainly, drugs.