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Saw the doctor today
Dr. Sagov is very difficult to make appointments with, so I saw Dr. Altman, who's the other physician in the practice. I'm starting to really like him. Not as much as I like Dr. Sagov, because, well, Dr. Sagov has been my doctor since I was a wee tot, but Dr. Altman has many of the same traits that make Dr. Sagov a good doctor.
Anyway, the upshot is he upped my dosage of Lexapro, with the comment that it looked like the medication started failing about when the days started getting shorter, so we'll revisit the dosage in six weeks, and, if things are getting better, possibly cut back to the original dosage, with a note to go back up to the higher dosage in November.
And we also talked briefly about therapy as a possibility. I said that, while I wasn't resistant to the idea in principle, I wasn't enthusiastic about it, because I've seen maybe a dozen therapists of one stripe or another in my life, working with six of them fairly extensively, and had really nothing to show for it.
But Lis and I were talking about it further, and I'm trying to figure out if it's time to re-open the question and maybe start again.
And, well, as my friends list is chock full of 1) therapists 2) medical personel of various sorts 3) generally wise people 4) people who've benefited from therapy (with lots of overlap between categories), I figured I'd ask here.
The problem is that, well, therapy has mainly been a great waste of time and money for me. I don't know how to judge if I'm making progress, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt a therapist's feelings by saying that I feel like I'm NOT making progress, and, anyway, if I'm depressed, I'm feeling enough inertia that I don't want to make changes like changing therapists. . .
Also, this livejournal is the only forum I've ever found in which I'm comfortable talking about myself. I mean, the ONLY forum. Writing a private journal seems pointless, because who am I writing it for? Talking about myself in person feels egotistical. And while writing a livejournal IS egotistical, definitionally, it doesn't bother me, because I feel certain that y'all can just not read it if you're bored. Which means that I feel free to be boring, because I know that, no matter how boring I am, I'm not going to bore anyone who doesn't freely choose to be bored. Since there's no way you'll offend me by NOT reading this, I know that, if you ARE reading it, it's because, for whatever reason, you're interested.
So, in person, in therapy, I feel awkward. I understand that I'm paying the therapist for his or her time, so I should feel free to talk about myself. But I'm also pretty skilled at drawing other people out, so I've also managed to get them to talk about themselves. Which I am more comfortable with, but which kind of defeats the purpose of therapy.
And, in general, I can't figure out what I'd be trying to DO with therapy, anyway. I mean, I get depressed. The ability to feel happiness sometimes gets sucked out of me, so quickly and violently that I get a physical sensation of it draining out of my feet. There's not much I can DO about it. Talking about it doesn't help.
I can certainly see that, if I was to get some of the depression under control, I'd need to learn how non-depressed people do things, and that might be useful -- I remember that, when Lis and I were seeing a coach, that had some value for me. But I don't see how therapy would help for me.
I wish to stress that this is not intended as any sort of general dismissal of therapy -- I think therapy is a wonderful thing, and I'm actually a little proud I can list so many therapists among my friends. I just don't see how it would help me.
But I'm also aware that I could well be wrong. So I guess my question is -- how do I know if I'm wrong about this, and that I actually SHOULD give therapy of some sort another shot? It's not like we've got unlimited money, and I'm a bit resentful about the money and time I've wasted in it so far. . .
Anyway, the upshot is he upped my dosage of Lexapro, with the comment that it looked like the medication started failing about when the days started getting shorter, so we'll revisit the dosage in six weeks, and, if things are getting better, possibly cut back to the original dosage, with a note to go back up to the higher dosage in November.
And we also talked briefly about therapy as a possibility. I said that, while I wasn't resistant to the idea in principle, I wasn't enthusiastic about it, because I've seen maybe a dozen therapists of one stripe or another in my life, working with six of them fairly extensively, and had really nothing to show for it.
But Lis and I were talking about it further, and I'm trying to figure out if it's time to re-open the question and maybe start again.
And, well, as my friends list is chock full of 1) therapists 2) medical personel of various sorts 3) generally wise people 4) people who've benefited from therapy (with lots of overlap between categories), I figured I'd ask here.
The problem is that, well, therapy has mainly been a great waste of time and money for me. I don't know how to judge if I'm making progress, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt a therapist's feelings by saying that I feel like I'm NOT making progress, and, anyway, if I'm depressed, I'm feeling enough inertia that I don't want to make changes like changing therapists. . .
Also, this livejournal is the only forum I've ever found in which I'm comfortable talking about myself. I mean, the ONLY forum. Writing a private journal seems pointless, because who am I writing it for? Talking about myself in person feels egotistical. And while writing a livejournal IS egotistical, definitionally, it doesn't bother me, because I feel certain that y'all can just not read it if you're bored. Which means that I feel free to be boring, because I know that, no matter how boring I am, I'm not going to bore anyone who doesn't freely choose to be bored. Since there's no way you'll offend me by NOT reading this, I know that, if you ARE reading it, it's because, for whatever reason, you're interested.
So, in person, in therapy, I feel awkward. I understand that I'm paying the therapist for his or her time, so I should feel free to talk about myself. But I'm also pretty skilled at drawing other people out, so I've also managed to get them to talk about themselves. Which I am more comfortable with, but which kind of defeats the purpose of therapy.
And, in general, I can't figure out what I'd be trying to DO with therapy, anyway. I mean, I get depressed. The ability to feel happiness sometimes gets sucked out of me, so quickly and violently that I get a physical sensation of it draining out of my feet. There's not much I can DO about it. Talking about it doesn't help.
I can certainly see that, if I was to get some of the depression under control, I'd need to learn how non-depressed people do things, and that might be useful -- I remember that, when Lis and I were seeing a coach, that had some value for me. But I don't see how therapy would help for me.
I wish to stress that this is not intended as any sort of general dismissal of therapy -- I think therapy is a wonderful thing, and I'm actually a little proud I can list so many therapists among my friends. I just don't see how it would help me.
But I'm also aware that I could well be wrong. So I guess my question is -- how do I know if I'm wrong about this, and that I actually SHOULD give therapy of some sort another shot? It's not like we've got unlimited money, and I'm a bit resentful about the money and time I've wasted in it so far. . .
no subject
(Anonymous) 2005-03-09 07:03 pm (UTC)(link)I'd call, "emotional states disassociated from external stimuli" a mental illness or disablity, separate from depression. The skill of determining the (usually external) sources of my emotions is THE most important skill I have. So it floors me that you can function without it, and, apparently don't consider the it's lack to be a major problem.
Well, it's your life. If you aren't bothered by it, and want to spend your time and energy elsewhere, that's your decision.
On the other hand, IF you want to change this...
1) Take Lexpro... because when you don't, your emotional state IS disassociated from external stimuli. (I'll assume that when you're taking Lexpro it replaces the false emotional state "depression" with the healthy state "emotions respond to external stimuli" rather than the equally false emotional state "always happy".)
2) Determining why you feel the way you do is a skill. Learn it. I can't say that therapy is the best way for you to learn this skill, but it is the most common, the most polite, and, for most people, the fastest. Therapists are the only professionals that I know of who teach this skill, and it is a good part of what most of them do, one way or another. (and, BTW, you are not the only one in this boat. Why do you think there are so many therapists?)
You shouldn't judge the usefulness of therapy with medication by the uselessness of therapy without medication. Several people have said that therapy with medication can help retrain bad habits that were established by depression. The dissassociation of emotions from external stimuli looks like that kind of bad habit. The tendency to avoid long term commitments (a couple LJ posts ago) could be another.
In case you haven't guessed, I'm strongly in favor of therapy. I think it would make you more functional, and possibly happier. And it would decrease the frustration of the people around you who often WANT to know why you feel a certain way and find "biochemistry" a... frustrating... answer.
Kiralee
no subject
And (this is why I'm responding, actually) it /can/ be fairly mild-- as when you try not to pay attention to what's going on with you in the dentist's chair, say. It's one of those continuum things.