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Saw the doctor today
Dr. Sagov is very difficult to make appointments with, so I saw Dr. Altman, who's the other physician in the practice. I'm starting to really like him. Not as much as I like Dr. Sagov, because, well, Dr. Sagov has been my doctor since I was a wee tot, but Dr. Altman has many of the same traits that make Dr. Sagov a good doctor.
Anyway, the upshot is he upped my dosage of Lexapro, with the comment that it looked like the medication started failing about when the days started getting shorter, so we'll revisit the dosage in six weeks, and, if things are getting better, possibly cut back to the original dosage, with a note to go back up to the higher dosage in November.
And we also talked briefly about therapy as a possibility. I said that, while I wasn't resistant to the idea in principle, I wasn't enthusiastic about it, because I've seen maybe a dozen therapists of one stripe or another in my life, working with six of them fairly extensively, and had really nothing to show for it.
But Lis and I were talking about it further, and I'm trying to figure out if it's time to re-open the question and maybe start again.
And, well, as my friends list is chock full of 1) therapists 2) medical personel of various sorts 3) generally wise people 4) people who've benefited from therapy (with lots of overlap between categories), I figured I'd ask here.
The problem is that, well, therapy has mainly been a great waste of time and money for me. I don't know how to judge if I'm making progress, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt a therapist's feelings by saying that I feel like I'm NOT making progress, and, anyway, if I'm depressed, I'm feeling enough inertia that I don't want to make changes like changing therapists. . .
Also, this livejournal is the only forum I've ever found in which I'm comfortable talking about myself. I mean, the ONLY forum. Writing a private journal seems pointless, because who am I writing it for? Talking about myself in person feels egotistical. And while writing a livejournal IS egotistical, definitionally, it doesn't bother me, because I feel certain that y'all can just not read it if you're bored. Which means that I feel free to be boring, because I know that, no matter how boring I am, I'm not going to bore anyone who doesn't freely choose to be bored. Since there's no way you'll offend me by NOT reading this, I know that, if you ARE reading it, it's because, for whatever reason, you're interested.
So, in person, in therapy, I feel awkward. I understand that I'm paying the therapist for his or her time, so I should feel free to talk about myself. But I'm also pretty skilled at drawing other people out, so I've also managed to get them to talk about themselves. Which I am more comfortable with, but which kind of defeats the purpose of therapy.
And, in general, I can't figure out what I'd be trying to DO with therapy, anyway. I mean, I get depressed. The ability to feel happiness sometimes gets sucked out of me, so quickly and violently that I get a physical sensation of it draining out of my feet. There's not much I can DO about it. Talking about it doesn't help.
I can certainly see that, if I was to get some of the depression under control, I'd need to learn how non-depressed people do things, and that might be useful -- I remember that, when Lis and I were seeing a coach, that had some value for me. But I don't see how therapy would help for me.
I wish to stress that this is not intended as any sort of general dismissal of therapy -- I think therapy is a wonderful thing, and I'm actually a little proud I can list so many therapists among my friends. I just don't see how it would help me.
But I'm also aware that I could well be wrong. So I guess my question is -- how do I know if I'm wrong about this, and that I actually SHOULD give therapy of some sort another shot? It's not like we've got unlimited money, and I'm a bit resentful about the money and time I've wasted in it so far. . .
Anyway, the upshot is he upped my dosage of Lexapro, with the comment that it looked like the medication started failing about when the days started getting shorter, so we'll revisit the dosage in six weeks, and, if things are getting better, possibly cut back to the original dosage, with a note to go back up to the higher dosage in November.
And we also talked briefly about therapy as a possibility. I said that, while I wasn't resistant to the idea in principle, I wasn't enthusiastic about it, because I've seen maybe a dozen therapists of one stripe or another in my life, working with six of them fairly extensively, and had really nothing to show for it.
But Lis and I were talking about it further, and I'm trying to figure out if it's time to re-open the question and maybe start again.
And, well, as my friends list is chock full of 1) therapists 2) medical personel of various sorts 3) generally wise people 4) people who've benefited from therapy (with lots of overlap between categories), I figured I'd ask here.
The problem is that, well, therapy has mainly been a great waste of time and money for me. I don't know how to judge if I'm making progress, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt a therapist's feelings by saying that I feel like I'm NOT making progress, and, anyway, if I'm depressed, I'm feeling enough inertia that I don't want to make changes like changing therapists. . .
Also, this livejournal is the only forum I've ever found in which I'm comfortable talking about myself. I mean, the ONLY forum. Writing a private journal seems pointless, because who am I writing it for? Talking about myself in person feels egotistical. And while writing a livejournal IS egotistical, definitionally, it doesn't bother me, because I feel certain that y'all can just not read it if you're bored. Which means that I feel free to be boring, because I know that, no matter how boring I am, I'm not going to bore anyone who doesn't freely choose to be bored. Since there's no way you'll offend me by NOT reading this, I know that, if you ARE reading it, it's because, for whatever reason, you're interested.
So, in person, in therapy, I feel awkward. I understand that I'm paying the therapist for his or her time, so I should feel free to talk about myself. But I'm also pretty skilled at drawing other people out, so I've also managed to get them to talk about themselves. Which I am more comfortable with, but which kind of defeats the purpose of therapy.
And, in general, I can't figure out what I'd be trying to DO with therapy, anyway. I mean, I get depressed. The ability to feel happiness sometimes gets sucked out of me, so quickly and violently that I get a physical sensation of it draining out of my feet. There's not much I can DO about it. Talking about it doesn't help.
I can certainly see that, if I was to get some of the depression under control, I'd need to learn how non-depressed people do things, and that might be useful -- I remember that, when Lis and I were seeing a coach, that had some value for me. But I don't see how therapy would help for me.
I wish to stress that this is not intended as any sort of general dismissal of therapy -- I think therapy is a wonderful thing, and I'm actually a little proud I can list so many therapists among my friends. I just don't see how it would help me.
But I'm also aware that I could well be wrong. So I guess my question is -- how do I know if I'm wrong about this, and that I actually SHOULD give therapy of some sort another shot? It's not like we've got unlimited money, and I'm a bit resentful about the money and time I've wasted in it so far. . .
Re: Saw the doctor today
how many therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
But I'm also pretty skilled at drawing other people out, so I've also managed to get them to talk about themselves.
that's not what you're there for. :) it's obvious to me that this is something that you need to fix so you can get a lot more out of therapy. you also need to fix this idea that you are obligated not to bore the therapist.
I don't know how to judge if I'm making progress, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt a therapist's feelings by saying that I feel like I'm NOT making progress
that's another thought of which you need to rid yourself. you're not there to spare the therapist's feelings. you are there to improve your life. if it's not working, your therapist needs to hear that, so zie can find another way to approach you. if you don't know how to judge your progress, ask for help. if this were a physically obvious condition, like a broken leg, you wouldn't be making the same excuses about why you can't get any help from your GP, so stop sabotaging yourself. :)
there is a lot of benefit in therapy if you are open and honest about what's not working in your life. it's a real boon to have a smart, objective person on one's side considering what a mess other people (and oneself) can occasionally make of it, whether or not one has a biochemical disorder.
and as somebody whose depression is very much biochemical (i am 100% certain of that), i am convinced that there is no such thing as beating that only with medication. long-term depression creates very bad habits, and relentlessly pulls one back into ruts. having a therapist help with suggestions on how to break the bad habits, and create new pathways within the constraints the depression imposes is an invaluable aid to living a relatively decent life despite one's handicap. it's an incredibly insiduous condition, and we need all the help we can get.
Re: Saw the doctor today
Exactly what I was trying to figure out how to say!
Re: Saw the doctor today
The problem is that, well, therapy has mainly been a great waste of time and money for me. I don't know how to judge if I'm making progress, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hurt a therapist's feelings by saying that I feel like I'm NOT making progress, and, anyway, if I'm depressed, I'm feeling enough inertia that I don't want to make changes like changing therapists. . .
I'm going to second pleonastic on this one. A good therapist will have you set goals. I always saw that as the difference between counseling and therapy. One thing that should happen in therapy is that you should constantly evaluate with your therapist the progress towards your goals.
As you know, after a rough spot, I had a lot of success with therapy around nine years ago. I think that part of it was that I was paying for it myself, which really motivated me to get something out of it.
One thing I did have to do was to consciously hold back from drawing my therapist out into talking about herself, which I caught myself doing on occasion. So, it is something that happens, but it is something that you can control. Or, if it is a problem, identify that with the therapist as one of the goals for therapy -- to help you avoid tricks that keep you from making therapy successful.
I guess a final piece of advice that I have has to do with how you present yourself during therapy. I know a lot of people who tend to come off during therapy as being much more put together than they do privately or in LJ. I think this has to do with the drive to always appear better off than you are, emotionally. I usually advise them to print out a few key LJ posts (get Lis to pick them out :)) and bring them with them or send them ahead of the first meeting.
I really hope that you pursue this and that things get better!
*hugs and love*