the partner i live with and i both have chronic depression.
parental-nagging is likely to only induce resentment and guilt, but that doesn't mean we can't do anything for each other -- we just can't nag. but we can encourage.
it's largely an attitude thing, and the language that works denotes the attitude that works. i don't think of it as "kick me off the computer and make me do things", i think of it as "offer me easy and useful alternatives to wasting my time". part of the depressive inertia for me is that choices become very difficult, and even the simplest activity seems to be prefaced by various hurdles of choices i have to make: i need to go grocery shopping, but i really should first take a shower, and make a list so i don't forget half of what we need, and put gas in the truck, and if i go to the store, surely i can also go to the bank to deposit a checque...
taking some of the hurdles away helps. joking about the inertia helps (real joking, not passive-aggressive snarking). offering bribes (while buying groceries i can also buy licorice!) helps. doing things with me helps. the latter has probably been the biggest surprise for me since i've always been very independent, and i do definitely still like doing things by myself. but when chores fall victim to the depression, it really helps to do them together with somebody who also has the right attitude about this sort of thing.
we've learned to communicate fairly clearly when we're in the standard mood where choices are hard, but still possible to make, as opposed to when we just need to rest from the never-ending fight. i think that is a hard thing to learn, but once i had it down it became relatively easy to determine, and i can therefore tell my partner whether to leave me to "mope". (that is not the state i am in. the state i am in is emotional exhaustion -- language and attitude really matter, did i mention that :).
questions about handling a depressed person
parental-nagging is likely to only induce resentment and guilt, but that doesn't mean we can't do anything for each other -- we just can't nag. but we can encourage.
it's largely an attitude thing, and the language that works denotes the attitude that works. i don't think of it as "kick me off the computer and make me do things", i think of it as "offer me easy and useful alternatives to wasting my time". part of the depressive inertia for me is that choices become very difficult, and even the simplest activity seems to be prefaced by various hurdles of choices i have to make: i need to go grocery shopping, but i really should first take a shower, and make a list so i don't forget half of what we need, and put gas in the truck, and if i go to the store, surely i can also go to the bank to deposit a checque...
taking some of the hurdles away helps. joking about the inertia helps (real joking, not passive-aggressive snarking). offering bribes (while buying groceries i can also buy licorice!) helps. doing things with me helps. the latter has probably been the biggest surprise for me since i've always been very independent, and i do definitely still like doing things by myself. but when chores fall victim to the depression, it really helps to do them together with somebody who also has the right attitude about this sort of thing.
we've learned to communicate fairly clearly when we're in the standard mood where choices are hard, but still possible to make, as opposed to when we just need to rest from the never-ending fight. i think that is a hard thing to learn, but once i had it down it became relatively easy to determine, and i can therefore tell my partner whether to leave me to "mope". (that is not the state i am in. the state i am in is emotional exhaustion -- language and attitude really matter, did i mention that :).