Apr. 13th, 2016

xiphias: (swordfish)
As I've mentioned before, Lis and I have been doing Weight Watchers since last September. And, at this point, my body fat percentage about 20%, down from, oh, somewhere around, call it 30 or 35% -- healthy %bodyfat for women, but no so much for men. My waist is about 30 inches, down from 44, and my weight is about 180 or so, down from 235 or so. I'm aiming for 175 or thereabouts; given the "the first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%" metric, I'm expecting this last five to take about the same amount of time as the first fifty-five.

My resting heart rate is around 55 bpm; my resting blood pressure is around 110/68. I can run six miles in an hour, or, at least, make the elliptical machine register that I've moved six miles in one hour. I haven't actually tried, y'know, actually RUNNING in a way that I will GO somewhere outside. But, in theory, I ought to be able to do something vaguely respectable. I can do cartwheels, roundoffs, forward flips, and back rolls. I haven't started really strength training yet, but I use the 30-pound dumbbells for some of the stuff I do, and might consider starting some lifting.

So, what is it like?

I hate it.

Every day, I look at the body I've got now, and I ask myself, "Is having this body really WORTH giving up all the foods you've given up?" I haven't actually GIVEN UP any foods, but I eat them far more infrequently. I used to have two donuts every morning; I now haven't had a donut in WEEKS. And I ask myself -- "which would you rather have?"

Honestly? I'd rather have the donut. I'm not sure why I'm still sticking with this, but, so far, I am.

I feel fatter than I ever did when I was fifty pounds heavier. Seriously. My weight fluctuates a good three or four pounds over the course of a day (that "180 current/175 goal" thing means that I want my AVERAGE to be at 175 -- the scale HAS registered 176 a couple times), but by weighing myself at the same time every morning, I can get a good sense of what's going on. And on days when I've gained a pound, I can SEE it.

183 pounds feels fatter than 235 ever did. Because I basically accepted that that was by body, and that was the way it was, and so what? I worried a little bit about the health effects -- I believe in health at any size, and I know that some people can be perfectly healthy at the weight and bodyfat that I was -- but I'm not one of them. But, while I recognized that I was fat, and would occasionally feel depressed about it, because, when I'm in a depressive mood, I'll use any excuse to be down on myself, on the WHOLE, I didn't FEEL fat.

This? This feels fat. While I appreciate some of the things my new body can do, I'm not used to it. It doesn't feel like MY body, and, as such, I have to evaluate it on a completely different scale. This body? It's five pounds overweight, so it's fat. My old body? Was sixty pounds overweight, and that was just what it was, and okay.

(Lis, by the way, remembers this differently. She says that I was constantly complaining about being fat. I don't know. She might be right FACTUALLY, but that's not what it FEELS like to me right now.)

I'm hungry most of the time. Weight Watchers allows you to eat raw, unprocessed fruits and vegetables without restriction (yes, they have calories, but they're displacing the other things you'd eat, and they are far more filling and they digest slower than fruit or vegetable juices would, for instance). So I'm eating ridiculous amounts of fruit. I'll eat a half-dozen to a dozen apples, oranges, or grapefruit over the course of a day. I'm buying fruit at Costco and eating Costco quantities without sharing many of them with Lis. And I still constantly feel hungry.

And it takes away my first-line defense against the onset of the depressive phase of my bipolar: chocolate or other sweets. When I say that I use chocolate to deal with depression, I'm not being cutesy -- the blood sugar hit of candy actually does provide some temporary symptomatic relief. And now I don't have that tool. I mean, sure, it's a suboptimal tool. It's like using cigarettes to deal with anxiety. It works -- it works WELL -- but only for about fifteen minutes at a hit, and it has serious health side effects.

I resent not being able to eat candy, donuts, cake, and so forth the way I used to. I resent feeling hungry most of the time. I resent having to go to the gym in order to NOT feel hungry -- exercising at a high enough intensity for long enough earns me the ability to eat extra food, and if I maintain cardio for an hour, I can eat about 160% the amount of food I'd otherwise be able to eat that day, which just about leaves me not feeling hungry as much.

And I really don't know if I like this body. I like what it can DO. But I can't tell if it FITS.

And I just don't like being smaller. I'm a short guy. I'm under five and a half feet tall. But, at 235 pounds, nobody really thought of me as small. At 180 pounds, I still have more mass than a lot of people, but, again, as my waist has gone down to about 30 inches, I look a lot smaller.

Nobody TALKS about that stuff. Nobody talks about how you lose weight and your body feels wrong. Nobody talks about how there are emotional benefits to being fat.

Nobody talks about how, while I can still be cheerful at my current weight, I will never again be jolly if I decide to keep this body. Nobody talks about the benefits of looking soft, cuddly, and nonthreatening. I mean, you CAN be aggressively and hostilely big, but I had a body and face that came across as "giant teddy bear", and now I don't.

It is taking a lot of getting used to. I mean, animals still like me, but small children now take a little longer to warm up to me than they used to, and that hurts.

So, yeah.

I always knew that I'd hate a lot of the ways I'd have to change my eating patterns. I knew I'd miss the ease of just getting fast food. And I'd miss fast food itself.

But I hadn't realized how much I'd miss the body that I was deliberately getting rid of.

I don't know. I'm probably going to keep this body, but I honestly am not 100% sure WHY I am. The health benefits and the capability benefits are certainly nice. But, I just don't know.

September 2017

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